The Wrong Crowd

I used to be
So gentle, so sweet
Innocent, naive,
Believing I was tough
With my heart on my sleeve

Yes, I was tough
From my father's whippings
And my mother's suicidal irrationality
But fuck, if only I knew what was to come

When I got roped in
I was a loner, a bookworm, an observer
Yet I put on the facade
And suddenly the fake it til you make it
Saying made sense to me
She invited me out, and for once I said yes

Cigarettes, drunken late night drives,
Trespassing, climbing fire escape ladders,
Breaking into buildings, taunting cops
Excitement began to pump constantly in my veins
I couldn't stand being home anymore
An addiction like any other

However
While chasing these highs, you
Begin
To feel your wings burning, falling
You hit the ground after flying along stars
A shooting star that shatters into a fiery, bittersweet
Ocean

That year

I felt smoke in my lungs for the first time
After nodding to the anti commercials and teen warnings
Quickly loving the dizziness and escape
I had my first kiss
On a rooftop, high
And frightened
I found both my first experience drunk
As well as my first blackout
Which resulted in more scars along my back
And a destructive coping method
I lost my virginity
To the boy I kissed first, a monster in disguise
My sheets soaked in alcohol and blood
His hand covering my mouth to hide my cries
And wails of pain
Only a wall separating us from my father's room
I went through my first heartbreak
Over the boy who brought me back from the dead
After the night
But then betrayed, betrayed and lied
I shattered my relationship with my father
His anger becoming more violent,
Locking me out, choking, control
Standing outside my window laughing
As he drilled nails into it

Yet,
That year

I felt my first genuine friendship,
Finding a person I love like family
And would never betray
I had my first love,
Teaching me what it is
The selflessness, the beauty, the depth
I found myself
Growing into who I was
My ideals, my values, even when
They differed so greatly from those
Who surrounded me
I lost my laziness, my shyness,
Never again afraid to be who I am,
To dance and sing when no one else can hear
My music
I went through experiences
That altered, changed me
And now
It takes more than one arrow to bring me down
I shattered my world
And rebuilt it

Learning that life is not living
If you never experience