deepundergroundpoetry.com
close-up from afar
I have a muse
with three tiny scars
above her lip
and I can tell she's forever
by the way that little asymmetry
unlocks the deep tingles
in me
the everything click.
More love
than inspiration,
she left me
because I relaxed myself lost
long ago
and
ain't no muse, worth her salt
gonna bedside the lazy.
I betrayed the little her
the her of carbon and moontides,
of stability,
past, and the blasphemy
of future.
Nothing now
but to write the slant off letters
to the bigger her
and
fight the will towards lethargy.
Twice,
this year she smuggled
nuclear warheads
into my mailbox.
More love than inspiration,
she'd rather see me dead
than sleepy.
*note: entered in Braggs "absence" comp
Published 22nd Mar 2013
| Edited 23rd Mar 2013
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comments 13
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Anonymous
22nd Mar 2013 8:12am
Nicely done light aton.
Good luck.
Strider.
Good luck.
Strider.
22nd Mar 2013 4:46pm
22nd Mar 2013 9:23am
One of the biggest things that keeps me coming back to you LB is your very distinctive voice. Minimalist is one thing. Frankly I think with enough time, and know how any one can write a competent minimalist poem. BUT... to maintain your individual voice in one, keeping it from sounding like so many other poems written in the same style? That is another matter, and not so easy.
You have very subtle war/weapon/chemical subtext going in here, and I love the string of connections it has created. But I am also wondering if my love of this very light metaphor dancing around isn't pushing my desire to see just a teeny bit more of it.
I think I will come back, and re-read this later, see if my reaction is still the same.
Thoroughly enjoyed this one Hun :)
You have very subtle war/weapon/chemical subtext going in here, and I love the string of connections it has created. But I am also wondering if my love of this very light metaphor dancing around isn't pushing my desire to see just a teeny bit more of it.
I think I will come back, and re-read this later, see if my reaction is still the same.
Thoroughly enjoyed this one Hun :)
22nd Mar 2013 4:51pm
thank you for all them lovely thoughts.
ya know, I think I have been more interested in just finding my voice, and not the voice I want to have, but the voice I really have (sometimes its not as cool as I would like it to be, but hey im not always as cool as I would like to be)..things have just minimized in that process, figure the razzle dazzle can always be back burnered.
note taken on the light metaphor there...I was aware of it, but it came about subconsciously, I will think about giving a little bit more weight there
thanks again Maggie
ya know, I think I have been more interested in just finding my voice, and not the voice I want to have, but the voice I really have (sometimes its not as cool as I would like it to be, but hey im not always as cool as I would like to be)..things have just minimized in that process, figure the razzle dazzle can always be back burnered.
note taken on the light metaphor there...I was aware of it, but it came about subconsciously, I will think about giving a little bit more weight there
thanks again Maggie
Anonymous
22nd Mar 2013 11:06am
"the everything click" is subconscious. I'm left wondering if this girl is a real person or the click is the sound of a virtual presence.
"Twice,
this year she smuggled
nuclear warheads
into my mailbox.
More love than inspiration,
she'd rather see me dead
than sleepy."
I love this part. Firstly, I love the idea of the female of the species being more deadly than the male, and the idea of a woman, the assassin at its peak sending bombs into your mailbox really pleases me mentally. Then it's capped with 'she'd rather see me dead than sleepy' - AWAKE AWAKE AWAKE! and the bomb explodes. Ah I did enjoy that little thought process.
Enjoyed a lot. You're hammering them out recently :)
"Twice,
this year she smuggled
nuclear warheads
into my mailbox.
More love than inspiration,
she'd rather see me dead
than sleepy."
I love this part. Firstly, I love the idea of the female of the species being more deadly than the male, and the idea of a woman, the assassin at its peak sending bombs into your mailbox really pleases me mentally. Then it's capped with 'she'd rather see me dead than sleepy' - AWAKE AWAKE AWAKE! and the bomb explodes. Ah I did enjoy that little thought process.
Enjoyed a lot. You're hammering them out recently :)
22nd Mar 2013 4:58pm
missy, I like that take of the everything click. it is based on an actual person (who has unlocked what seems like every level there is to me) but has been elevated to a level beyond her, an ever present almost "virtual" presence.
I pity the fool that does not know that women are far more deadly.
sometimes a text message or email can truly knock one on there ass, fairly certain that's about all I can say on that.
thank you much for your thoughts
I pity the fool that does not know that women are far more deadly.
sometimes a text message or email can truly knock one on there ass, fairly certain that's about all I can say on that.
thank you much for your thoughts
22nd Mar 2013 11:09am
Only glitch I spotted here was that second 'tiny' in stanza two. I'd change it to 'little' or something. I agree with Maggie, there is a good voice running through all your poems. It's a subtle one but strong. Whatever happens in the development of writing, I hope you don't lose that. Doubt you could.
Some great phrases here: everything click. I love the differences that you say you see each other with(you and the muse). It's a rogue's poem, or a reflective bastard's. Anyway, enough trying to categorise.
Some great phrases here: everything click. I love the differences that you say you see each other with(you and the muse). It's a rogue's poem, or a reflective bastard's. Anyway, enough trying to categorise.
22nd Mar 2013 5:01pm
i'll take rogue reflective and bastard. why not its not too far off, and somehow offers a bit of romance.
thanks for your thoughts as well Mr.A, I did change that second tiny. and good luck to you as well in the comp.
thanks for your thoughts as well Mr.A, I did change that second tiny. and good luck to you as well in the comp.
22nd Mar 2013 11:11am
Oh and good luck with the comp', just tried snatching that one for myself actually. :)
22nd Mar 2013 5:18pm
Awesome poem, LB. "ain't no muse, worth her salt gonna bedside the lazy" is my favorite line.
Funny how Maggie wrote about your voice and the minimalist aspect because I was thinking the other day while reading your work that your style is very distinctive and, well, YOU. And that's a good thing. It's almost like you give every word its space and due respect. Great job!
Funny how Maggie wrote about your voice and the minimalist aspect because I was thinking the other day while reading your work that your style is very distinctive and, well, YOU. And that's a good thing. It's almost like you give every word its space and due respect. Great job!
22nd Mar 2013 6:24pm
dig it, thanks Tony, that's my favorite line too...
its real nice to get these votes of confidence on finding this/my voice..kinda scary dangling it out there without the safety net of more fancy phrasing...its been feeling right, but still a bit vulnerable, so nice to hear the feedback..cheers!
its real nice to get these votes of confidence on finding this/my voice..kinda scary dangling it out there without the safety net of more fancy phrasing...its been feeling right, but still a bit vulnerable, so nice to hear the feedback..cheers!
30th Mar 2013 5:31pm
31st Mar 2013 11:35pm
