deepundergroundpoetry.com
jewel thief
the king can't roleplay
kingdom alone
and the villagers forgot
the password to guillotine
the jesters attend 12step meetings
trading the fury of mad laughter
for the barely broke smiles
of the saved
the queen masturbates in the bathroom
while cutting her arm
with an ivy leaf
glazed in epoxy
.....................................................................
the community gathers daily to celebrate
highly defined sedation
.....................................................................
at the far side of town
where the closed circuits
refuse to corral
lies the ruins
to the Museum
of Misused Mystics
I go there
to spraypaint cheatcodes
and as the plaster peeled
I heard you upstairs
dropping icecubes
into empty tin containers
the sound
stretched my breath
to silk thread thin fibers
hanging me
awaiting
your
move
and
you let me choke
dead by the hand
of your updated status
kingdom alone
and the villagers forgot
the password to guillotine
the jesters attend 12step meetings
trading the fury of mad laughter
for the barely broke smiles
of the saved
the queen masturbates in the bathroom
while cutting her arm
with an ivy leaf
glazed in epoxy
.....................................................................
the community gathers daily to celebrate
highly defined sedation
.....................................................................
at the far side of town
where the closed circuits
refuse to corral
lies the ruins
to the Museum
of Misused Mystics
I go there
to spraypaint cheatcodes
and as the plaster peeled
I heard you upstairs
dropping icecubes
into empty tin containers
the sound
stretched my breath
to silk thread thin fibers
hanging me
awaiting
your
move
and
you let me choke
dead by the hand
of your updated status
Published 14th Jan 2013
| Edited 11th Jun 2014
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 0
comments 7
reads 762
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
14th Jan 2013 5:12pm
the queen masturbates in the bathroom
while cutting her arm
with an ivy leaf
glazed in epoxy
great stanza lightbaron
stride
while cutting her arm
with an ivy leaf
glazed in epoxy
great stanza lightbaron
stride
14th Jan 2013 5:22pm
14th Jan 2013 6:02pm
LB
I know there's a general liking for the less is more chain of thought. I dunno man, on this one I think you could do with a few more words here and there. ie:
the king can't role-play
kingdom alone
and the villagers forgot
how to login to guillotine
ok so for me anyhow, the first three lines are fine, it's the last one there. I'ts not soo bad that it can't be read or understood but wouldn't do any harm to stretch it a little, maybe even throw an extra line in there:
"and the villagers forgot
when to login
to use the guillotine
or something along them lines
I'd probably go with "lies the ruins" just because ruins lie all the time :)
all in some lovely word-smith-ary going on and some very vivid images.
good stuff man.
I know there's a general liking for the less is more chain of thought. I dunno man, on this one I think you could do with a few more words here and there. ie:
the king can't role-play
kingdom alone
and the villagers forgot
how to login to guillotine
ok so for me anyhow, the first three lines are fine, it's the last one there. I'ts not soo bad that it can't be read or understood but wouldn't do any harm to stretch it a little, maybe even throw an extra line in there:
"and the villagers forgot
when to login
to use the guillotine
or something along them lines
I'd probably go with "lies the ruins" just because ruins lie all the time :)
all in some lovely word-smith-ary going on and some very vivid images.
good stuff man.
Dig it Craic, much appreciation for your thoughts.
The last line, first stanza, i think i was trying to nonchalantly blend worlds..the real world connotations of guillotine, being able to be logged-in to as readily as a video game...but honestly i got stuck in the sounds of the letters, the math of the line, perhaps neglecting the content.
Certainly gonna weigh your advice.
And yes of course the ruins should lie, that is clear blunder on my part.
Thanks again my man
The last line, first stanza, i think i was trying to nonchalantly blend worlds..the real world connotations of guillotine, being able to be logged-in to as readily as a video game...but honestly i got stuck in the sounds of the letters, the math of the line, perhaps neglecting the content.
Certainly gonna weigh your advice.
And yes of course the ruins should lie, that is clear blunder on my part.
Thanks again my man
15th Jan 2013 7:02pm
on further review, i did slight changes to that guillotine thing...i think it reads a bit more clearly
15th Jan 2013 9:47am
I like this darkly humourous take on a deep topic, couldn't wipe the smirk off my face while reading it. A nice commentary of the state of humanity.
Peace, Indie
Peace, Indie
15th Jan 2013 3:32pm
