Hidden Scars; Flawless Imperfections

I guess I’m here to write this out of plain boredom and hurt. I’m feeling lifeless at the moment and that’s because I’m not coping too well at the moment. This is one way of expressing how I really feel, its like my coping mechanism to get through pain. The emotional pain that courses throughout my tainted blood within my condemned body. I think I have come to realization about my depression and the impact that it has on me.

So it begins here, I haven’t had the perfect life, far from that. Growing up in a household full of corroded violence turned me into the person that I’ve promised myself I’d never wanted to be. That person, full of hatred and anger, caused by others conflict pain on me without hesitation. Then there is me, inflicting my invisible wounds onto innocent people. When really all I want to do is torture the predator that has made me this way, the actions I will do to manipulate him in the way others wouldn’t imagine me to do, that bring out the darkest in me. My true colours, fueled with hatred and anger to cloud my mind poisoning it with demented thoughts. While others around me thought they knew me and start to and question themselves if they really knew me as me. I can put on a mask and disguise my true feelings concealed inside me, but my soul is broken, fragile and shattered into a million pieces.

I think to myself, what my purpose was in this world. Everyone has a purpose to fulfil; I don’t have one, does this mean my time of living is over before it has even started? Hmm, the person that I am today, is all caused by manipulation, violence, drugs & alcohol, self-inflicted pain (physically and emotionally), loneliness and traumatic events that I’ll always relive in my dreams, day by day. I’m so pathetic to let myself dwell on them, just to fill myself up with tainted pain fused with hate, thinking how things could’ve been different if I’ve changed my actions.

The past will never stay away forever, no matter how much I want it too. My past is set in stone with my blood spilt over it, its my problem to deal with, from now till the day I die. This event changed my life forever.

When I dwell on that day, I think to myself...
“Inflict pain causes conflict, I hope you suffer the consequences.”

“If I had the chance to turn back time and take the chances I had, he wouldn’t be here now, life would be a lot different.”

“That person I’ve promised myself I never wanted to be, I’m that person, I can’t and won’t change it, because I’m stronger now.”

“I can’t live in fear anymore, one day my anger will take control of my me - his deathbed will be waiting and he will be begging for my forgiveness, to bad it was 16 years too late for that.”