Confessions of a Broken Soul

I’m confused, misplaced.. Just so empty. I’m sitting on the edge, on the verge of committing something very stupid, but also something that can give me peace and freedom. No more hiding my emotions from inside, what I try to keep concealed within me. It eventually bubbles to the surface. The what I felt inside, gets revealed - but in an unpleasant way. Just one lethal explosion that gets let out from inside my fragile mind, feelings, spiralling out of control. Mind, dumbfounded my senses and actions. Losing control of everything, letting go of my innocence. Losing it to the darkness that has always lingered over my poisoned heart. I’ve come to realization that there will never be a cure to heal my invisible illness and these hidden tainted wounds that I’m ashamed of.

Freezing, pushing away all my friends, trying to solve this problem on my own. Isolating  myself away from my family, just incase they successfully trigger off what I’m trying to hide away from them - unleashing my true self, inflicting my own pain, anger, hurt and hatred on them. Losing myself in the crossfire, no control, completely insane. My thoughts are so clouded, what am I doing? All of this is inevitable, I try to fight it, but everything happens for a reason.

When I’m past this phase, my memory is distorted. I can’t remember much and trying to remember is hard, the more pressure I put on myself to remember, the more pain that I absorb, travelling throughout my shattered mind. I doubt my existence and purpose in this world sometimes, trying to reassemble the pieces of my cracked relationships with certain people.

Trying to make things better, but only seem to make things ten times worse. When I realize what I done, it hits me so hard back into reality. It makes me feel like the world crumbles away around me, my heart feels like its being crushed and stabbed repeatedly with a thousand shards of glass. I start to hyperventilate, my skin turns ice-cold, my body freezes and goes into lockdown mode. I try to keep the tears down. I’m struggling, the throat-feeling when I attempt this is so unbearable to hold. I try to contain it, but everything I feel grows, its immense, very intense.

When it comes to my pain-tolerance, I can handle it very well. But you know they all say “everyone has their limits”. Guess what, they’re right. I instantly break, groaning inside with hurt. Drowning in my own tears, as I want to tear into my own flesh. I try to numb the pain by drinking myself to death. Then there are the anti-depressants. I overdose on them/ These remedies are not enough. So what do I do?... Intoxicated silly little me being unstable and immature decides to get out a razor. Walk to a place where no-one can find me, no matter how hard I scream for help. I knew that this one place, truly made me forever alone.

Death, Fantasy, Dark After Life.

So this place, I’d like to describe it to you. I want to give a little insight to my twisted little life I live. There is my house, and about 1km away (1.4 Miles) there is beautiful nature that awaits you, every turn you make. every step you take. Green hills, tall trees and a beautiful refreshing river, with-soft warm sand. It takes my breath away when the sun shines down on me and the light-wind’s breeze brushes across my face.
Its my little piece of paradise when I want to be alone. Its where I can embrace myself, focus on the positive things and adapt to change when it happens. There is this cliff very sturdy. Beside the cliff when you look down below is sharp, pointy, rocks - the size of boulders - deadly for anyone that decides to try jump off the cliff, the opposite side of the cliff is surrounded with deep water, where I’d like to cliff jump. I only cliff jump when I can’t be bothered with life. The cliff with the sharp rocks has a big tree that stands tall beside the cliff.

When I’m sad, feeling like I want to give up. I willing sit on the edge of this cliff, and look down, I sense that the rocks are calling to make me come to them. Just jump, you’ll be okay - I guess I’m lured, chained to death. I believe that it just wants me, sooner or later I’m going to give into temptation, it sucks that I have trust issues and that I can’t trust someone enough to lean on and support me. So instead I spend hours on end, thinking, using Twitter - while I get other texts from people that ‘worry’ about me. I ignore them. I want my life to be transformed into a deadly fantasy, forget about the horrific dramas, feel no pain or feel nothing at all.

I lay against the tree, while the wind gains strength and whips across my face less passively this time. I admire the scenery as I stare out into the distance, close my eyes and imagine. This was a thought I was dwelling on today.

‘I had severe cuts to my scarred up wrists, blood... Drained from my body while it leaks willingly onto the earth, absorbing every last drop. I’m losing my will to fight, as I weaken, senses become senseless, life becomes death. When I collapsed into the earth, it felt like I am going to merge with it, be swallowed, engulfed and incinerated to the core. My heart beats slower and slower, then it gives in. I’ve finally given up, my time has come - I’m gone forever.’