deepundergroundpoetry.com
Club Mentality
Flowing across the floor
a phantom under the strobe
flickering across the crowded room
rising to the music
a slave to the DJ
conducting the masses
Bouncing to the beat,
the underlying bassline
breaking any bonds holding us back,
losing any self-concious 'sanity'
in the face of this all pervading pulse
We're running with it,
we're flying with it,
at the end of every song
we're dying with it,
reborn seconds later
to the soul-fourging sounds
of another undefinably,
almost 'tear rending' tune
There are no haters here,
we're not alone
and never will be,
we're singing the same song,
live,
let live
and love every moment alive.
a phantom under the strobe
flickering across the crowded room
rising to the music
a slave to the DJ
conducting the masses
Bouncing to the beat,
the underlying bassline
breaking any bonds holding us back,
losing any self-concious 'sanity'
in the face of this all pervading pulse
We're running with it,
we're flying with it,
at the end of every song
we're dying with it,
reborn seconds later
to the soul-fourging sounds
of another undefinably,
almost 'tear rending' tune
There are no haters here,
we're not alone
and never will be,
we're singing the same song,
live,
let live
and love every moment alive.
Published 16th Dec 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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16th Dec 2012 3:53pm
shout out
let's get to work.[ hey, good to see you]
"Flowing across the floor
[flow is light, shapeless. almost fluid. inanimate.
music, yes. but here i am not too sure with flow.
just me.]
a phantom under the strobe
flickering across the crowded room
[why flicker? in the present context, it's a weak word. ]
rising to the music
a slave to the DJ
conducting the masses
['conduct' is orderly. more sophisticated. this is wildness,
chaos we are dealing with here. just an opinion.]
Bouncing to the beat,
the underlying bassline
breaking any bonds holding us back,
losing any self-concious 'sanity'
[conscious.]
in the face of this all pervading pulse
[why 'any' in L3 and L4?
'in the face' can be bettered.]
We're running with it,
we're flying with it,
at the end of every song
we're dying with it,
reborn seconds later
to the soul-fourging sounds
of another undefinably,
almost 'tear rending' tune
['forging' in L7. this is solid, uniform. cohesive.the speech marks jar IMO. let them scream without any blue screen. they will.]
There are no haters here,
we're not alone
and never will be,
we're singing the same song,
live,
let live
and love every moment alive."
[decent. you can break this one into two. its too sudden.
i felt that way. if it has not sapped you, work the end a
bit. something might be still there which you have not said.]
having said that, welcome back. it's good as always to read
your stuff. well, wrestle a bit and nail this one good. it's a
solid fight. although punches are a bit weak. sleep hard and
then get them. :]
happy days duncan.
sumeet
let's get to work.[ hey, good to see you]
"Flowing across the floor
[flow is light, shapeless. almost fluid. inanimate.
music, yes. but here i am not too sure with flow.
just me.]
a phantom under the strobe
flickering across the crowded room
[why flicker? in the present context, it's a weak word. ]
rising to the music
a slave to the DJ
conducting the masses
['conduct' is orderly. more sophisticated. this is wildness,
chaos we are dealing with here. just an opinion.]
Bouncing to the beat,
the underlying bassline
breaking any bonds holding us back,
losing any self-concious 'sanity'
[conscious.]
in the face of this all pervading pulse
[why 'any' in L3 and L4?
'in the face' can be bettered.]
We're running with it,
we're flying with it,
at the end of every song
we're dying with it,
reborn seconds later
to the soul-fourging sounds
of another undefinably,
almost 'tear rending' tune
['forging' in L7. this is solid, uniform. cohesive.the speech marks jar IMO. let them scream without any blue screen. they will.]
There are no haters here,
we're not alone
and never will be,
we're singing the same song,
live,
let live
and love every moment alive."
[decent. you can break this one into two. its too sudden.
i felt that way. if it has not sapped you, work the end a
bit. something might be still there which you have not said.]
having said that, welcome back. it's good as always to read
your stuff. well, wrestle a bit and nail this one good. it's a
solid fight. although punches are a bit weak. sleep hard and
then get them. :]
happy days duncan.
sumeet
18th Dec 2012 00:54am
