bring a lighter for the dark

I’m standing on the precipice of change
wondering if I’m going to go fuck myself up again
inside I bleed tiredness, a trembling hopelessness
that I’ve failed it all one  more time
and proved the whispers right
I’m just not good enough

My whole life they’ve all been kicking me down
I’ll believe it when I see it
they say of my looking down my long line of successful failures
there is no love in their eyes or pillow
to ease the steel-capped boots in my ribs
that seem to vibrate there way into my heart
making it stop momentarily

I lie dying upon the ground staring with empty eyes up at the stars
gasping breaths shaking my starving frame
‘cause I’ve been starving my whole life
just to breathe

And I can’t help but wonder how I got it all so wrong again
when I poured my soul into everything I did
and in secret moments stared at the sky and silently whispered
please
to a deaf universe that always gives me what I want
just never how I want it

This is a lesson not yet learned

© Indie Adams 2012