feeling happy all alone- a strange sort of cognitive dissonance

after twenty years of looking at our species with a sad soul because stupidity and conformity appear to prevail over  intelligence and self discovery, I wonder if I truly have any right to crave a connection. through out my life I have been an emotional sponge exploring the depths and heights of my humanity. disconnected and fragmented it was never the same lens as my friends that I peered at the world through. but that has always been the goal. give everyone a peek. a hint of the intensity. a small piece of the delusion. misery may love company, but joy does too. its hard for me to express my isolation because it is a choice. I choose to be separate and in the same breath yearn for affirmation that my views aren't simply naive foolish or blind-that the world can truly be this beautiful. life continually startles stuns and awes me and as moments bring me to my knees it is from this position that the rest of the world appears to loom above me. I wonder at times what it looks like up there. how it feels to be so disconnected. an observer. a non active participant in their own reality. left to believe they are at the whim of some controlling impenetrable sense of self. or fate. or god. people feel left out because they do not realize we are all outsiders. I was always the strange one in that sense. I never felt left out of anything. I had simply decided to walk away from each and every thing they ever prescribed me for my happiness; pedigree life styles, monogamous relationships; suburban wet dreams of eternal debt to duty children and mortgages. in an age where we no longer know how to relate to each other, in an age where pharmaceuticals provide a band aid issue for every problem with out ever investigating the root cause, I was the strange one because I still ached for expression. because I wanted to feel and what I was feeling was ecstasy desolation elation and desperation; the violent highs and lows in all their glory. being able to feel gives me hope. I was a rebel with a cause even if that cause was simply rebelling for the sake of keeping rebellion alive. When did the world become so docile? I believe it was somewhere in between channel six and the ketchup stained couch cushion where the remote gets jammed. I have been proud to wear my heart on my sleeve and a smile on my face as I use direct action to fight apathy. our numbers reach into the billions and we are getting spread too thin. if no energy is ever destroyed or created we must learn to share it. at the same time I buzz, I try to remain humble in order to keep perspective on how easily elation and joy can give away to desperation and depression. I have been there. I have been every where that can be accessed through the well lit atrium of my hearts desires. in many ways I am very young, but when is comes to feelings I have let the flood gates flow freely for twenty years. it sounds silly to say that happiness and excitement are what make me an out cast. that sometimes it is an overwhelming sense of gratitude and appreciation for life that leave me feeling isolated in my own perky little bubble. but its not as if I haven’t invited others to come inside- truly all I've ever wanted was someone else who on the rare occasion I loose sight of the bigger picture can come in with their yellow crayon and highlight all the beauty until I believe again. I am my own best friend and worst enemy. I respect and revere myself in the same sense that I am afraid. it would be so easy-let the fire burn up and burn out. I could embrace the medication, isolation, lack of inspiration, loose touch with my contemplative side and hide where they can’t find me locked away with my tiny piece of hope. but I choose not to covet what I have discovered (or perhaps more accurately what I have come to know as my own personal truths) I believe everyone has the capacity for happiness. some may have to work harder to achieve it, but what is a more worthy dedication of ones life that to the true pursuit of contentment? in a generation born from brokenness, greed, and doubt, I come across many souls who no longer know how to accept love from others, or even more importantly give it to themselves. we accept the love we think we deserve, making my job that much more of a challenge.  not to say that I feel like I must do this. it is a choice. and no matter who disagrees I know that everything is. no matter how helpless my circumstance makes me feel, at the end of the day I am god. I choose to look at the world the way I do which directly dictates how I feel, who I associate myself with and where I take my life. I am one strange mother fucker because I feel like I am in control, and when things get slippery I have enough faith in the universe to let it slide. the places I end up have yet to disappoint. I only wish there was a short cut. but there is no way around it. the path to self confidence, to happiness, to acceptance of the good bad and especially the ugly is one that you must begin to walk down on your own. but if you ever do, just know I am always there to lend a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on and most importantly of all- an encouraging smile.