A trip down memory lane ( and I wonder why some people hate me)

So I was sitting around thinking to myself
about what an asshole I truly am

I believe my first asshole incident took place at K-mart
apparently I was there with my mom and I was like 3yrs old

we were in an aisle and there was a woman shopping also
and I said "yuck mom", "that lady just farted"

the lady turned and pushed her basket warp speed out of the aisle
when she was gone, I laughed and said "it was really me"

from there it escalated, my mouth was always running
no one was safe, ever

my aunt Arlena was getting ready for her engagement party
she walked out in her beautiful dress and asked "how do I look"

that was always the wrong question to ask me especially at 7
I said "you look great, except for that mustache"

yeah I was a real charmer
no sugar and spice here

then my words turned into actions
not only was my mouth bad but everything about me was

my mom bought a new dinning room table and chairs
I was always being yelled at for leaning back in them

my mom was sitting in one talking on the phone, LEANING BACK!
I went and tied two jump ropes together

I pretended to play by her chair I tied the rope to the back leg
when she shoved off from the table I gave the rope a hard yank

my mom and the phone flew back and slid a few feet, it was great
while she laid on the floor I said "no leaning in the chairs"

lets just say I am not her favorite,
my poor sister,

my sister had ratted me out for sneaking out
I was yelling and I told her to eat shit

she said the magic words, "make me"
I let things cool a few hours

then I was calling her up to my room, we had a rabbit
I took a few of his turds and hid behind my bedroom door

when she came in I jumped on her back
and jammed those turds into her mouth

I got my ass kicked for that
the running joke is if she says it tastes like shit, it does.

later on in life I was less active and more verbal
I love a good smart ass remark

I was trying to sell my car and this guy came with cash
he was asking questions, I was answering them

when he was about to hand over the cash, and I the title
he says "I feel like I'm getting fucked"

I responded with "why does your butt hurt?"
I didn't sell my car that day, but I did get a good laugh


I could go on and on and on but I wont
yes world, I am an asshole!