The Great and Secret Show

The rips in my reputation are constantly castrating every lucid expressive minute of the things I did wrong.
What were they again?
I'm not sure if I care enough to acknowledge or even attempt to configure and construe them into something I understand
Why should I?
This is my reality, so they tell me
Who are they?
By the way
This should all work out nicely and come to a pinnacle
That’s as vibrant as the eyes of a Rembrandt painting
There goes my wishful thinking back from the depths of some long lost fairytale
I find myself romanticizing those classical thoughts again
I want to stop but I can’t
So
I continue down a road with faint lighting on either side of me. Trying to escape the inescapable
Then when the dim becomes bright and the ebb begins to flow
I lift off into something unfamiliar.
I have been here before.
Once upon a time
Or
Was it just a dream?
No
It couldn't have been
I leave that thought for this one
By continue to drudge forward onto a new plane
That seems like an intrinsic pseudo trance of serendipitously beautiful chaos that never fails to leave me in a gorgeous delirium.
I know these flashes of pristine awe and insatiable curiosity lead me to strive for something more than a meek existence of grinding, shaking and pushing things that will never fit
Eventuality is all encompassing
Covering everything so evenly and without flaw
It's stunning to see it all come together so perfectly
So precisely
But
Will it last?
Will it transform so absolutely?
I can only hope
I believed it all
The lines I fed myself were the best and brightest
Who cares if they weren't logical and entirely without weight. How could I not just pass up a good time for a great one?
In all actuality
How could I not see the bad becoming so viciously cannibalistic? Eating all my aspirations so effortlessly
I was in such a consuming daze.
I had no idea it was even happening
Continually surprised at how thoughts manifest out of suppressed feelings.
What shocks me more is how they present themselves when they do
Under a subtle guise of unintentional effort they creep up and shatter every precedence set before them.
And
At a similar time showing that it's the same movie playing over and over.
Just at a different theater.
In a familiar town