deepundergroundpoetry.com
The Joyful Death
She stabbed me through the heart;
I never have felt such pleasure.
The tears of joy trail down my cheek.
Finally, it will all be over.
My crimson red turns to gold;
on my back, brilliant white wings grow.
I smile, telling her thanks for killing me.
Now I can finally let her go.
Heartache was killing me slowly;
I was glad she agreed to the final push.
I am free, free of the agony.
That I have had ever since I lost her.
It feels so sweet to be free.......
*entered in a comp
I never have felt such pleasure.
The tears of joy trail down my cheek.
Finally, it will all be over.
My crimson red turns to gold;
on my back, brilliant white wings grow.
I smile, telling her thanks for killing me.
Now I can finally let her go.
Heartache was killing me slowly;
I was glad she agreed to the final push.
I am free, free of the agony.
That I have had ever since I lost her.
It feels so sweet to be free.......
*entered in a comp
Published 5th Aug 2012
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The author encourages honest critique.
5th Aug 2012 8:51am
Hi, this is a great read-I enjoyed the sweetest-pain feel of it... the climatic release of freedom
tangible imagery in transition from crimson to gold and white that stays with you.
tangible imagery in transition from crimson to gold and white that stays with you.
5th Aug 2012 5:49pm
5th Aug 2012 10:37pm
"Glade" is glad. But overall I like this. "My crimson red turns to gold." My favorite part. ^.^
5th Aug 2012 10:50pm
5th Aug 2012 11:11pm
ok Levi I'll do the best I can here, please don't be taking this personal.
She stabbed me through the heart;
I never have felt such pleasure.
The tears of joy trail down my cheek.
Finally, it will all be over.
ok take the first four lines. every one of them is a terrible cliche on their own. just to give you an idea of how over used they are I googled the first line and got 24,600,000 RESULTS.you have managed to stick four of them together in a stanza.
If you take the Idea that you have and try not be so direct and try think outside the box a little.
something like;
I stood in wanton anticipation
felt her hand plunge deep into my flesh
sending endorphin's rushing
my eyes closed ready for death
something like that which would pretty much say the same thing as you and substitute the cliche lines
My crimson red turns to gold;
on my back, brilliant white wings grow.
I smile, telling her thanks for killing me.
Now I can finally let her go.
crimson red turns to gold isn't a bad image. not too sure about the next line though. I don't really like the way you have the end half of a line at the start but I understand a lot of people do it to try help rhyme..if you put a bit more thought into it there'd be no need for it.
Heartache was killing me slowly;
I was glade she agreed to the final push.
I am free, free of the agony.
That I have had ever since I lost her.
don't forget to do a quick spell check when you finish and are about to publish.
It feels so sweet to be free.......
Look all in I think that the whole scenario here is kind of played out. I think if you use some poetic devices like simile or metaphor or analogies you might not only get away with it but come up with a great poem.
I hope this wasn't too harsh on you Levi.
She stabbed me through the heart;
I never have felt such pleasure.
The tears of joy trail down my cheek.
Finally, it will all be over.
ok take the first four lines. every one of them is a terrible cliche on their own. just to give you an idea of how over used they are I googled the first line and got 24,600,000 RESULTS.you have managed to stick four of them together in a stanza.
If you take the Idea that you have and try not be so direct and try think outside the box a little.
something like;
I stood in wanton anticipation
felt her hand plunge deep into my flesh
sending endorphin's rushing
my eyes closed ready for death
something like that which would pretty much say the same thing as you and substitute the cliche lines
My crimson red turns to gold;
on my back, brilliant white wings grow.
I smile, telling her thanks for killing me.
Now I can finally let her go.
crimson red turns to gold isn't a bad image. not too sure about the next line though. I don't really like the way you have the end half of a line at the start but I understand a lot of people do it to try help rhyme..if you put a bit more thought into it there'd be no need for it.
Heartache was killing me slowly;
I was glade she agreed to the final push.
I am free, free of the agony.
That I have had ever since I lost her.
don't forget to do a quick spell check when you finish and are about to publish.
It feels so sweet to be free.......
Look all in I think that the whole scenario here is kind of played out. I think if you use some poetic devices like simile or metaphor or analogies you might not only get away with it but come up with a great poem.
I hope this wasn't too harsh on you Levi.
5th Aug 2012 11:16pm
Thank you Eamon, it left me with a lot to think about and I will probably rewrite this and publish the rewrite as a separate work so people can see how it has changed.
