fucking for the holy green

Dead eyes in a rusting mirror

stark, raw, spreads out in all directions...tight look at a wide subject....intense

Thank you running turtle for your lovely comment :) glad you enjoyed.

I think your poems could be improved by structuring them with grammatical sentences. Your syntax and flow are sloppy at times, because your lines are too long to be read without punctuation. Let me give you an example: "the pretty girl looking back with ghosts/in her eyes that couldn’t really be me." You're clearly going for typographical symmetry, making each line roughly the same length, but because these aren't proper sentences conjunctions get confused. Near the end of the first line of that couplet the conjunction switches. The line break should really come after "looking back." If you're not going to use commas, full stops etc. then I think you should give each conjunction its own line, or make your sentences much shorter.
Here's how I'd grammatically organise that verse:

"Dead eyes in a rusting mirror.
I used to laugh at my own reflection,
while for a second or two I’d admire
the pretty girl looking back,
with ghosts in her eyes that couldn’t really be me."

I've often told you to remove the two or three commas in your poems. But instead of just removing all punctuation I think I'd like to see you use more, and write something which is grammatical. Your images and metaphors are too rich to be lumped together in vaguely symmetrical, unpunctuated verses.
This is a very good poem. The third verse is my favourite, because it so beautifully conveys the sense of sex as a product to be sold. There's something brutally mechanical and efficient about the last two lines of that verse, reducing the woman to a soulless place or thing.
All critique is JMHO. Thanks for the read.

Thank you Jack for your indepth feedback. My first thought was "oh my god, I cannot fucking win with the grammar." Though you're right about the symmetry. I rearranged the structure to make the lines prettier, thus compromising the syntax and flow. I used to capitalise every line and use proper (and sometimes over-) punctuation. I'll go through this soon and break it up into more sensical sentences.

Thanks again. It's much appreciated. And I'm glad you enjoyed this piece. :)

Very profound and powerful write Indie with vivid imagery.  Great expression and pen.

I have never really used punctuation in the 30 odd years I've been writing, I use line breaks, I like it free flowing and I try to keep the syllable count tight, but that is just me and my way. :)

Glad you enjoyed this one Magdalena. :) My knowledge of grammar and punctuation doesn't really go past year 10 English, but it's something I'd personally like to improve on. And Jack has been nice enough to help me out a bit along the way.

Indie this is a raw and honest poem full of rich texture and body..you are so very talented..peace Crim

Thank you so much lovely lady. Glad you enjoyed. :) Good to see you back.

Peace, Indie xx

I don't really know what to say, but I wanted to say something because this is really great. I want to write like this.

Thank you so much Rachel for your comment. You're too kind. I'm honoured. Would it be weird if i asked if you'd like to do a collab with me sometime?

Peace, Indie

Weird?!?!

No, that is actually an honor! I am truly flattered that you want to mix your words with my words.

So, yeah! I would love to.

PM me your thoughts when you're ready. :D

Cool, thanks :D I'll send you out something later this week, or you can send me any ideas you have. There is almost nothing I won't write on.

..."there is almost nothing I wont write on"...

You probably wont write a rental agreement on the back of a pet cat!!!

(furry-lease)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQTTFUtMSvQ

All kidding aside, vivid poem. Thanks.

Well see, now I am tempted to try. I need to get me a cat xD  
 
Thanks for your comment rabbitquest. Glad you enjoyed :)