deepundergroundpoetry.com
Dollhouse
for the competition If Your Mind Was a Room What Would Be In It?
My room is full of broken glass,
Reflections of a shattered past.
Dreams drift softly near the floor,
Trampled as they walked out the door.
I framed the moments I wished to recall
And hung them frozen on the wall.
If you listen, you'll hear before long
A very softlovelysadangry song.
A box in which I placed my heart
The packaging was torn apart.
Made of glass, you can see not touch.
Trust is something I don't indulge in much.
A large bed set at center stage.
The object of my pain and rage.
They come to this room to worship here.
While my body performed, my soul floated near.
I've added locks so I may hide
All this mess I have inside.
Too anxious and lonely, I still open too soon.
I must find someone worthy to share in my room.
My room is full of broken glass,
Reflections of a shattered past.
Dreams drift softly near the floor,
Trampled as they walked out the door.
I framed the moments I wished to recall
And hung them frozen on the wall.
If you listen, you'll hear before long
A very softlovelysadangry song.
A box in which I placed my heart
The packaging was torn apart.
Made of glass, you can see not touch.
Trust is something I don't indulge in much.
A large bed set at center stage.
The object of my pain and rage.
They come to this room to worship here.
While my body performed, my soul floated near.
I've added locks so I may hide
All this mess I have inside.
Too anxious and lonely, I still open too soon.
I must find someone worthy to share in my room.
Published 13th Jun 2012
| Edited 24th Jul 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 1
comments 13
reads 1004
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
13th Jun 2012 10:00pm
14th Jun 2012 8:42am
13th Jun 2012 10:27pm
14th Jun 2012 4:10am
Anonymous
14th Jun 2012 2:24am
<< post removed >>
14th Jun 2012 4:10am
We must have a discussion about what kind of lifestyle you think I live. ;)
Truly, that is my favorite as well. Thank you for reading, and looking into my window.
Truly, that is my favorite as well. Thank you for reading, and looking into my window.
Anonymous
14th Jun 2012 6:36am
<< post removed >>
Anonymous
- Edited 14th Jun 2012 5:39pm
14th Jun 2012 5:31pm
The rhyme scheme sometimes works and sometimes doesn't. When it doesn't the poem grinds to a halt, feeling really contrived.
In my opinion consistent rhyme only succeeds when it's backed up by a rigorous meter. For instance, the initial rhyme of "glass" and "past" is okay, because each line is roughly the same length. But L4 is quite a bit longer than 3 and uses a pause mark, so the rhythm's broken.
You'd lose nothing by making this free verse, and maybe gain a lot.
Some of the independent lines are very good. I like how you made soft, lovely, sad and angry all one word in L8.
The transformation of the narrator's bedroom into a place of worship in verse four is ghoulishly effective, and could be seen as a biting satire of relationships. We worship the idea of romantic union and put on a front to maintain that idea, but what does it all really mean?
Critique is JMHO. Thanks for the read.
In my opinion consistent rhyme only succeeds when it's backed up by a rigorous meter. For instance, the initial rhyme of "glass" and "past" is okay, because each line is roughly the same length. But L4 is quite a bit longer than 3 and uses a pause mark, so the rhythm's broken.
You'd lose nothing by making this free verse, and maybe gain a lot.
Some of the independent lines are very good. I like how you made soft, lovely, sad and angry all one word in L8.
The transformation of the narrator's bedroom into a place of worship in verse four is ghoulishly effective, and could be seen as a biting satire of relationships. We worship the idea of romantic union and put on a front to maintain that idea, but what does it all really mean?
Critique is JMHO. Thanks for the read.
14th Jun 2012 8:58pm
No, it is very contrived and forced in some places. I really wanted this format and struggled in places to make it work. L4 is much shorter if you read it faster. ;) lol (I laughed so hard thinking about telling you to read it faster, you have no idea!) I would rather work to make the rhymes flow than change it to free verse. I may have to raise my skill level though. Free verse is much more my thing.
There is little romance in verse four. Thus the soul floating near. They came to worship her with no care for her emotions. Nothing romantic or relationship worthy. Thus she performed and lived up to expectations, but kept her heart in a box and out of body watched the event to keep herself safe. She dreamed of romance, but gave up on that idea. I love your ghoulishly effective comment! I hope I did not ruin it with explanation.
There is little romance in verse four. Thus the soul floating near. They came to worship her with no care for her emotions. Nothing romantic or relationship worthy. Thus she performed and lived up to expectations, but kept her heart in a box and out of body watched the event to keep herself safe. She dreamed of romance, but gave up on that idea. I love your ghoulishly effective comment! I hope I did not ruin it with explanation.
Anonymous
14th Jun 2012 9:36pm
Not at all. Thanks for the explanation. x
15th Jun 2012 9:16am
15th Jun 2012 8:17pm
Hi Angel,
Leave it --L12 is the 'center' 'backbone' of the story.....it's perfect. and i love what you did with >>>> A very softlovelysadangry song.<<<< Very Creative - - Ambitious even... Great Skill you have.
Making modifications to our reading / writing language is fun -when we pull it off. I would love to possibly collaborate with you....we have as similar flow style in our writing. Again--- Great Poem A++ I think.
Leave it --L12 is the 'center' 'backbone' of the story.....it's perfect. and i love what you did with >>>> A very softlovelysadangry song.<<<< Very Creative - - Ambitious even... Great Skill you have.
Making modifications to our reading / writing language is fun -when we pull it off. I would love to possibly collaborate with you....we have as similar flow style in our writing. Again--- Great Poem A++ I think.
20th Jun 2012 3:24am
Thank for for the high praise! :) I have not yet collaborated with anyone, and wouldn't know quite what to do. I am glad you so liked my words.
