denial of becomin

I am not music or art or poetry or hope
I am only what I have always been

tho my hands dance with ivory keys
hauntin silence with whispered confessions
tho I've surrendered nights to Ravel's ghost
as "gaspard de la nuit" possessed my soul
I am not music

tho I’ve painted skies from dreams
while darkness pooled beneath brushstrokes
tho colors bled thru my veins
when bottles stood empty in mornin light
I am not art

tho I've filled journals with fractured thoughts
tho I've written my breaths
into stanzas that hold pain
tho my words outlast my darkest hours
I am not poetry

tho I’ve been rebuilt from shattered pieces
tho I’ve risen from the depths
of nights that threatened to never end
tho I’ve found my way back
I am not hope

I am what I’ve always been
a man torn between silence and crescendo
a translator of words unsaid
a guardian of chaos and calm
a mind that refuses its own voice

I deny what defines me
and become exactly
what I claim not to be