Underneath All This Confidence

Underneath all this confidence and all this self work and self love still sits a girl curling into herself. Scared about being kicked down more, being called stupid, being treated like I'll never be successful, being underestimated, being called "too young" for an intellectual conversation, being that girl who couldn't debate well in school, being that girl constantly overlooked and undervalued.  
 
Shut down. It is the reason why I'm shut down, hate looking others in the eyes for fear there will be another soul who's trying to manipulate or backstab.
 
And somehow, through all of this, I want to be hard on myself for not being perfectly positive. I want to listen to those voices from the past who told me I was selfish or had a victim mentality or didn't like the hard work or never tried...
 
I wanted to scream all over again and punch everyone in the face and stab them over and over. And sadly, the nightmare doesn't stop there. I will be blamed. It's always my fault. I'm the monster who shouldn't be let free.  
 
I know for an absolute fact that if I ever got into a car accident for example, and I was at fault for someone dying, I'd feel forever trapped by obligation to be someone else's savior when I do not want to be.
 
Being nice was the only way I could get people to leave me alone. Staying silent and ghosting was the only way I could win. Arguing was useless because I would be told that my perception was always wrong.
 
I'm scared of people more so than I wish to kill them. Being in a society is an absolute nightmare. An animalistic world that pretends its civilized. An attractive woman like me who's not only young looking but has the perfect body. Skinny yet curvy. I'm the target for men's possession. I swear I want to kick every guy in the nuts who is a creep and who wants to sexually coerce me. Fuck dating sites and fuck you too.
 
Underneath all this confidence lies a woman still building it. Still wanting to know why this world thrives on me not trusting my intuition. Still wondering why the mentally ill are gaslit over and over and yet somehow, they claim there's real help for us?
 
What a crock of shit!
 
Underneath all this confidence is a girl shaking from the world's hate for her. Wondering why being different had to be crime.