panic attack

I try and box breathe around  
a mouthful of biscuit  
without inhaling any crumbs  
 
It hits just like that  
skin flushing  
burning  
telling me I'm on fire  
when I'm not  
 
My chest tells me I can't breathe  
when I can  
and I have to breathe past  
the way my throat lies  
telling me there's no air available  
to fill my distressed lungs  
 
According to my brain  
literally everything
is trying to kill me  
including the multivitamin  
I got down milliseconds  
before this freight train  
of panic attacked me  
 
Old me would have shoved  
my fingers down my throat  
and cried on the bathroom floor  
current me sips on coconut water  
and breathes through  
the symptoms that feel like dying  
but are just a false alarm  
in my misfiring brain  
 
I don't know what's wrong with me
and I don't know how to fix it  
 
Because nothing is trying to kill me  
not the dark  
not sleep  
not my third cup of coffee  
not food that makes me nauseas  
not the hunger that makes it worse  
not the multivitamins I bought  
to try and fix the imbalance  
caused by being too anxious to eat  
 
I splash cold water on my face  
and focus on my breath
and tell myself over and over  
that I'm okay  
 
My bowl of biscuits sits
forgotten on the counter