(separation in the key of frenetic)

A very breathless and panting poem to start, but It opens fully into a few fine stanzas, poignant with significance. That is some pretty heady stuff Miss Betty for one coming off from a writing absence.

Dude. You have no idea. It's like Vesuvius blew off the top of my head. It's a little scary, so I'm riding it down while it's here, right? Right.  

I wanted to see if this style was a good fit, or if the cut makes my ass look big now. I have to try everything on again, and it's... so... much... fun.

Was I rambling? I'm rambling. Whatever.

Thanks Bragg. You're OK, no matter what anyone says about you.



(To be clear: that was a joke.)

Betty

You always exceed by reinventing.:)

As an aspiring/learning writer I am
afraid of being stagnant and repetitive.

This is remarkable. A lease of fresh air.

Breathless, hard poetry. Which goes very well
with the lake in January reference.

Baptism this is. The hard way.

You take the reader by the neck and
choke in your poem. After a while it begins
to feel g o o d.

Am not sure if I want to say something else.

I just love it. First thing I read in the
morning.:)

Thank you,

Sumeet

Hey, you're welcome, no worries.

But, uh, I'm supposed to be thanking you, right, because you just left the nicey comment on my stuff.

So thanks!

Stagnant and repetitive is in the mind. If it moves you, it's not stagnant.

And, hell no, you shouldn't say something else.

But hey, seriously, thank you for the lovely comment, Sumeet. You are a fantastic writer, and you give stunning reviews. I appreciate that.

Betty

Frenetic, huh? Yep. It's a good word, and, in your capable hands, an excellent theme for a poem. The short lines run the reader along at pace, the feeling of breathlessness palpable. What's it about exactly? Let me take a stab at it (I never miss a chance to make an eejit of myself!)

I think it's here again, that theme of ..love..that can't be/shouldn't be spoken?...in case it breaks some spell? or deal? The really breathtaking thing is love. SHHHH! (Sorry!) If only you (or he, or she) dared to dive in.

One thing 'bumped' with me a little.
'it's fucking alone with the lights off'... fucking alone? Is that masturbating? It doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the theme.  

God willing it's a mistake on your part and you'll be revealed as fallible in some way. As it stands, your work is seriously undermining all my delusions of adequacy. I just love how you write. If you've got a book I want to buy it. Bravo! (again).  Red

It's a damn good word and I made sure my hands were dirty before I lifted it out of your poem.  
 
Dude. SHHHHHHH! I'm trying out for the role of queen of Raunchysexheroiclove... you know what's awesome? When you read that fast, it looks like 'clove'
 
I'm a pungent spice. Hell yeah.  
 
(Did you see that? That was an evasion. Because you hit the nail on the head. Should never, ever, ever be spoken of.)  
 
Now. I failed, and we both know it, so do your happy dance and be about your day, sir. I'm ridiculously fallible. I sort of revel in the level of utter fail of which I'm capable.  
 
It seemed like a good idea at 1 a.m., the masturbation reference. Like the parallel of a jumping in an icy lake, and trying to jack off while numb... exhilarating, frustrating, destroying, defeating, nihilistic, just... seemed like a fun pairing.  
 
You think I should make it more dynamic and add in the second person?  
 
fucking with the  
lights off eyes  
closed door locked  
like we're dead drunk  
whiskey numbed  
can’t even  
feel anymore  
(which is like  
not fucking at all  
and more like  
making…)
 
 
Actually, yeah, I should do that, it's better.  
 
Thank you.  
 
I came to this particular site, out of all the sites in cyberland, just to undermine you, Red. Don't ever forget that. (It's part of the conspiracy. We're watching you.)  
 
Flattering. Meh.  
Betty.

I like how much you're left to fill in the blanks when you read it - how you jump into the word 'making' after running quickly through the previous few verses only to free fall into this empty space where you have to make up the answers. And I thought the phrasing of 'lights off eyes/closed door locked' worked really well - I expected the 'closed' to be on the end of the previous line, and because it wasn't it made the sound of the words something new and different in my head.
I wasn't sure about the last line...didn't sit right for me, seemed oddly familiar and pre-mediated after the rush of the other words. But really I'm probably the only person who thinks that and I enjoyed the rest of the poem.

Thanks Merda

You know, it is stilted a bit.

I took off the middle line and made the two surrounding lines a quasi-couplet. Good advice, I'm glad you mentioned it so I could take another look.

And again, thanks for the read/review. Very cool.

I love the dynamic the repetition created.  It was like short inhales and trying to talk through an anxiety attack.  Great job in expression here.

SUCH awesome insight.

Thanks for the kickass read. Betty

Like the way you write free form stream of consciousness...

Like

Thanks.