deepundergroundpoetry.com
& it still is...
this is my story
...not a human experience absolute
but it was never about food
or appetite...or lack thereof
it's imperative you understand
no...
it was much more than that
a desperate need for the one damn thing
sorely lacking in my life
something stolen before I knew it was needed
...or that it even existed
an elusive slippery kind of concept
information...without proof
& I could not comprehend...
...something I'd never had
so I created my own version
refusing to eat what I was fed
on my terms only...you see
{& never in front of others}
as pounds dropped off my fragile frame
that sense of having...achieved...more dominant
my delicate bones becoming more prominent
I felt empowered
experiencing a facsimile
of what I imagined...
had always been denied to me
& when I became responsible for a life other than my own
I took it very seriously
feeding her...through me
putting her needs before mine
until he took over...removing all choice
deciding what I was allowed to eat
...not a nibble more
removing the frail belief...I possessed any such thing
& when I felt endangered
needing shelter...armor around my pain
I swung that focus in the other direction
building a wall with what I ingested
never about hunger...remember
have you figured it out yet
it was always...
...about control
Written by
WillowsWhimsies
Published 5th Sep 2024
Author's Note
Copyright @ Willow. All rights reserved
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 13
reading list entries 6
comments 20
reads 232
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Re. & it still is...
6th Sep 2024 00:08am
Firstly, so happy to see you back.
Secondly, this is powerful and so relatable, Willow.
"Control" is the operative word here, and the core of women's issues where many men who vie for it at our expense are concerned. Not all, there are some really good men out there, but the ones that aren't good can shake the foundation of womanhood to its core until we learn how to recover and protect it from future attempts.
Secondly, this is powerful and so relatable, Willow.
"Control" is the operative word here, and the core of women's issues where many men who vie for it at our expense are concerned. Not all, there are some really good men out there, but the ones that aren't good can shake the foundation of womanhood to its core until we learn how to recover and protect it from future attempts.
1
Re: Re. & it still is...
8th Sep 2024 2:25pm
Whether I belong here or not, I find I still have a lot to say. So...here I am.
Those who've not experienced the loss, have a hard time comprehending how vital control is to someone who's never had it. It's a demon, if I'm honest. The struggle from one end to the other, & now working my way back to center...unreal in its difficulty. Thank you, Ahavati
Those who've not experienced the loss, have a hard time comprehending how vital control is to someone who's never had it. It's a demon, if I'm honest. The struggle from one end to the other, & now working my way back to center...unreal in its difficulty. Thank you, Ahavati
Re. & it still is...
6th Sep 2024 00:15am
hello Willow this is powerful write you I believe going through all this have regained control💕
1
Re: Re. & it still is...
8th Sep 2024 2:27pm
Some days I have it...others get away from me. But I'm learning the fight isn't over on the bad days. Thank you, Brenda
Re. & it still is...
6th Sep 2024 00:38am
This is deep willow. An introspection of what you feel and think. powerful to read. Fia xoxo
1
Re: Re. & it still is...
8th Sep 2024 2:28pm
Thank you, Fia. I struggled with posting this one. In the end it needed to be heard
Re. & it still is...
6th Sep 2024 1:28am
You pissed me off when it seemed like you weren't in DUP anymore... You're too good a writer to leave us hanging like that. So don't. Grrrrr
That said, this is a brave write, Willow. I like to read "people", flaws and all. We all have our demons, and reading about others makes us less alone. Even if the demons are different.
The personal dilemma that you shared here is relatable in some way to many. So you speak for those who haven't the words. Your talent is sometimes medicinal, like this.
Bravo.
That said, this is a brave write, Willow. I like to read "people", flaws and all. We all have our demons, and reading about others makes us less alone. Even if the demons are different.
The personal dilemma that you shared here is relatable in some way to many. So you speak for those who haven't the words. Your talent is sometimes medicinal, like this.
Bravo.
1
Re: Re. & it still is...
8th Sep 2024 2:31pm
Apologies, I wasn't sure I'd return for a while. But I had some things to work out.
"Less alone..." yes, that's exactly what poetry & baring myself is for me. Sanctuary. We live solitary in our scarred skins, connection means everything sometimes. Thank you, Styxian. For the reprimand & your support
"Less alone..." yes, that's exactly what poetry & baring myself is for me. Sanctuary. We live solitary in our scarred skins, connection means everything sometimes. Thank you, Styxian. For the reprimand & your support
Re. & it still is...
6th Sep 2024 1:40am
Excellent write, this really cuts to the heart of the matter. Thank you for sharing.
❤️k
❤️k
1
Re: Re. & it still is...
8th Sep 2024 2:31pm
Re. & it still is...
6th Sep 2024 2:58am
Wow!! this is an eye opener.
I've known a couple of people with eating disorders
and the one thing in common was denial. Maybe they didn't know how to
express it or ask anyone for help so they showed it different ways.
Little signs here and there.
So very skinny and frail but would give you the biggest smile and convince you
everything was fine. You nailed it with the closing. Control.
I'm so happy you are in a better place to nurture yourself and
show yourself love. Even if it's a good meal or just ice cream:)
You deserve to have it all.
We all do:)
I've known a couple of people with eating disorders
and the one thing in common was denial. Maybe they didn't know how to
express it or ask anyone for help so they showed it different ways.
Little signs here and there.
So very skinny and frail but would give you the biggest smile and convince you
everything was fine. You nailed it with the closing. Control.
I'm so happy you are in a better place to nurture yourself and
show yourself love. Even if it's a good meal or just ice cream:)
You deserve to have it all.
We all do:)
1
Re: Re. & it still is...
8th Sep 2024 2:35pm
There's a lot of focus & empathy placed on the thin end of eating disorders but still a very strong attitude that those on the heavy end are simply lazy. It's the same disorder, different ends of the struggle. Before such harsh judgment & shame is placed, people need to look at WHY are they doing this to themselves. I've hit both ends of the spectrum & they're equally difficult. But people are much more accepting...encouraging even, to the lighter end. That smile they give, that's a mask for the pain. Never know what's behind it. Thank you, Adelphina, your words are much appreciated
Re. & it still is...
6th Sep 2024 3:01am
So go you for being a bad bitch, first for overcoming your own demons for the sake of someone you love. Second, go you for seeing him for what he is.
You deserve all the flavors of life.
This was hard to read, which makes it fucking beautiful. Just like you.
1
Re: Re. & it still is...
8th Sep 2024 2:38pm
If there's one phrase I've learned to accept as absolute truth, it's this: Life is hard. My hope is to help others see they're not alone. I'm learning I have strength beyond measure & even when I'm tired, it's there. Backbuilding. Every day is a battle...some days I'm just more prepared for the fight than others. Thank you, Betty
Re. & it still is...
6th Sep 2024 12:20pm
I suppose the best compliment I can give is that this left me unsettled. So powerful in its delivery and cautionary to what words can do. I feel like I will be much more careful with what I choose to speak. Thank you for that.
1
Re: Re. & it still is...
8th Sep 2024 2:40pm
It's something I'm always striving to be deeply aware of...we never know what's behind another's actions. What are they starving? What are they feeding? Why are they self-punishing? Awareness is one of the most critical components of compassion, I believe. Thank you, Thor
Re. & it still is...
9th Sep 2024 5:11am
Dear W,
I would only be echoing the sentiments of my esteemed poets above. I am relieved and happy to see your return. This poem underscored thoughts in my mind about my own experiences with the varied phases and responses of being controlled.
Your formatting and tempo were superb in iterating the message. The strength underneath is the courage I needed to read and I’m glad you are using this platform to continue saying what needs to be said. The truth you’ve just shared is exponential. Excellent write. H🌷
I would only be echoing the sentiments of my esteemed poets above. I am relieved and happy to see your return. This poem underscored thoughts in my mind about my own experiences with the varied phases and responses of being controlled.
Your formatting and tempo were superb in iterating the message. The strength underneath is the courage I needed to read and I’m glad you are using this platform to continue saying what needs to be said. The truth you’ve just shared is exponential. Excellent write. H🌷
1
Re: Re. & it still is...
12th Sep 2024 10:38pm
I know no other way to express myself. Even when it's messy. Sometimes people relate, sometimes not. I'm very glad you found the tone of strength you needed in this. Thank you, Honoria
Re. & it still is...
10th Sep 2024 9:56am
This one hits home - hard (as you know) Control is an addictive bitch and hard to get rid off.
I know this was hard for you to post and I admire you for sharing it anyway.
The photo is a great addition to this piece, gives it much more depth & makes it real. Bravo, sis 💖
I know this was hard for you to post and I admire you for sharing it anyway.
The photo is a great addition to this piece, gives it much more depth & makes it real. Bravo, sis 💖
1
Re: Re. & it still is...
12th Sep 2024 10:43pm
Control is such a beast. Especially when we're fighting so hard to have it in our lives. Invariably we go about it unhealthy ways. We finally manage to get an inch & generally someone else wants to take it away. Ugh. It's a demon, I swear. I know how well you relate to this one, sis 💖