& it still is...

 
this is my story
...not a human experience absolute
but it was never about food
or appetite...or lack thereof

it's imperative you understand
no...
it was much more than that

a desperate need for the one damn thing
sorely lacking in my life
something stolen before I knew it was needed
...or that it even existed

an elusive slippery kind of concept
information...without proof
& I could not comprehend...
...something I'd never had

so I created my own version
refusing to eat what I was fed
on my terms only...you see
{& never in front of others}

as pounds dropped off my fragile frame
that sense of having...achieved...more dominant
my delicate bones becoming more prominent
I felt empowered
experiencing a facsimile
of what I imagined...
had always been denied to me

& when I became responsible for a life other than my own
I took it very seriously
feeding her...through me
putting her needs before mine

until he took over...removing all choice
deciding what I was allowed to eat
...not a nibble more
removing the frail belief...I possessed any such thing

& when I felt endangered
needing shelter...armor around my pain
I swung that focus in the other direction
building a wall with what I ingested

never about hunger...remember
have you figured it out yet
it was always...
...about control