deepundergroundpoetry.com
Excerpt #4
September 5, 2024
5:43am. Note to Self: SHUT THE HELL UP.
Derrick was right. If I don’t knock off my shit, I’m going to end up alone. Utterly alone. Xavier was right. I keep saying that I’m changing, but I don’t. I can’t talk the talk if I don’t walk the walk. But Jax was right about something yesterday also and I keep forgetting that. I am a warrior. But there comes a day when even warriors lose the battle and if I don’t get my ass in gear, the battlefield’s gonna have my name written all over it.
I keep promising people all kinds of things and I don’t end up following through. I figured out why this morning. I really do intend to keep those promises to other people, I do. The thing is, I make promises to other people and not myself. I make other people the priority when the priority should be me. What I need to do is stop bellyaching about my problems and do some of that radical acceptance that I’ve been learning about in DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) these past few years. I don’t have to like things the way they are but I do have to accept them. I can work on changing things, do what I can do to make my situation better, but while that’s happening, I have to accept things as they are. That means all this shit I carry in my head and heart has to vacate so I can get on with my life. And it also means a few other things.
My mother is dying. No matter what she has said and done to me, this is her time right now, not mine. The demons I have to wrestle can wait a few months. Xavier is not coming back. He’s not. He. Is. Not. And Mary, if for some reason he did, you already know that you don’t want the Xavier that you’ve seen the last four years. He’s not the same man you’ve remembered the last three decades. Let him go, for both of you. Derrick also deserved a much better version of you. He also deserved much better treatment from you. You took out your anger over how you’ve been treated by men, by people, out on him and it wasn’t right. Let go of what you think you know about people. If he comes back you need to be 100% honest with him about EVERYTHING. And give up that other joker you’ve been having sex with. Good kissing isn’t worth destroying what you’ve been trying to do with your life, especially when those lips are attached to an asshole. He’s pretty much a degenerate, he even told you so himself. Start listening to other people instead of rebelling all the time.
Take a look around you, your circle has dwindled too next to nothing.
My health will take its course but that doesn’t mean I can’t do the things I need to do to make sure I don’t end up more disabled than I am sooner than I need to be. I already push through pain but I spend a lot of time complaining. Maybe I don’t do it out loud all the time but even saying it to myself is detrimental to my progress. Negative self-talk has its name for a reason. There’s nothing positive about negativity. So freaking what that I’m having another foot surgery tomorrow. I’m already aware that my surgery journey isn’t over. If I can’t walk for a few weeks, then I can’t walk for a few weeks. I can still exercise. If I don’t then what I’ve been working for, better health, will go out the window. My medicine ball, my dumbbells, they can fit on the bed with me. They did last time. Mary, if you don’t do the things the doctor said you need to do you can add back surgery to that list and you don’t want that. Acceptance, girl. Listen, if you can spend hours being bent into a pretzel, you can do this. If your scoliosis, bulging disc, spinal stenosis back can withstand what you do to it, what the hell are you complaining about? Even your rheumatologist looks at you funny when you complain about hip pain and he’s bending your legs, bending you. You’re flexible, girl. Wake the hell up.
Acceptance doesn’t mean that I tell myself I have limitations and I give up. I will never give up. Acceptance doesn’t mean that I allow other people to speak to me any way they want to and I say nothing. I can listen and not be rude. Acceptance doesn’t mean that I allow myself to not be heard. I no longer have the overwhelming need to be heard, so who really cares if someone misunderstands me? Radical acceptance just means that I accept reality. I accept things for what they are, that things may be out of my control but I will not be stuck in the muck. I refuse to continue to spin my wheels and suffer. I have to concentrate on what I can control and let go of what I cannot in order to move on with my life and obtain true freedom from all the shit that’s been holding me back. Then, and only then, can I really work on me. This journey of healing is going to take time. It’s okay, girl. Things are going to be okay. And who knows? Maybe Derrick will come back, maybe he won’t. Maybe there will be a new guy down the road, maybe there won’t. Maybe a new woman, who knows (even though you told yourself you weren’t into that anymore). Keep the realm of possibility open. If there doesn’t end up being a significant other in your life, there doesn’t. And even though it's been what you’ve been wanting, maybe traditional relationships really aren’t your thing. That’s okay too. Either way, you will finally have you and that’s more than enough.
2:57pm
There are certain conversations that you remember. Even if you can’t remember the words, you remember the intent and how you felt. The conversation I had with Suzette earlier today will be one of those conversations. She returned my call after she watched the YouTube videos of me and Mr. Fly. I could tell by her tone that something was seriously wrong.
“I have to ask. Did you take something before you made those videos?”
My first instinct was to get defensive and angry, but this was Suzette, she only has my best interests ay heart. “No, I didn’t. Everything is okay.”
“I’m concerned, Mary. In the last video you said that trauma therapy is hard. Is it too hard?”
“It’s very hard but it’s helping. Things have been a mess but they’re getting better. I’m getting better.”
“I’m concerned. I have to talk to you about something.”
“Okay.”
“I’ve been concerned for a while, over a year now. You have a pattern and it’s not getting better. You change your mind a lot, go back and forth about a lot of things. I thought it was just your relationship with Xavier, but it’s been with almost everything. It’s a form of self-sabotage.”
She’s right, I do have that pattern. It’s been the story of my life; I’ve done that with most everything. I’ve known I have this pattern but I don’t know how to stop it.. I even know why I do it, but no matter how much I try to change it, I can’t seem to stop what I’m doing. “I know.”
“Mary, we can try other things if this is too much, but if you don’t change the pattern, nothing is going to work. 95% of mental health therapy takes place outside of our appointments. It’s what you do in your life, it’s the work you do that makes the difference.”
“I’m afraid. It’s because I’m so afraid. I keep reverting back to what I know even if it’s wrong for me.”
“Knowing what’s comfortable isn’t wrong.”
“It’s wrong if I keep doing it for the wrong reasons and if what’s comfortable for me isn’t healthy. I already know this.”
“You’ve made so many improvements but you keep going back to the same things. This is holding you back.”
“Can I be honest with you?”
“I want you to be honest with me.”
I didn’t want to admit this but I knew I had to and of course, I started crying. “I’ve done all this work and I have a lot more to do. It’s getting smaller but there is still a part of me that hopes Xavier comes back and sees the work I’ve done and he changes his mind. I know how stupid that is because the thing is, I don’t even like the Xavier I know today. I don’t love him. If we didn’t have history, if none of this happened and I just met him today, I wouldn’t want him. He’s not my person. It’s because I’m unacceptable to him that I want him to want me. Does that even make sense?”
“It does. Considering everything you’ve been through, it does.”
“He’s the reason I have my life back. He’s also the reason I got through everything that happened to me for decades. Every time something happened I just thought of him, I pictured his eyes. I know I made him larger than life. I know I turned him into someone he’s not. I just can’t seem to stop. My head knows this most of the time.”
“It’s called a trauma bond. Yours is a little different than the typical, but I want you to look it up. I think it will help. And I still want you to read chapters 9 & 10 of the book I gave you on CPTSD, it’s very important. You have a strong inner critic. Start there and I’ll talk to you Monday after your surgery.”
“Thank you, I need you to be tough with me.”
She started laughing. “You haven’t seen me tough yet. You don’t see me when I’m in court with people. You have to start setting clear boundaries, not just with other people, Mary. You have to set them with yourself.”
“This is the toughest you’ve been with me. You’re right, I do.”
“I know you’re afraid. I know you want an intimate relationship with someone, not what you’ve been doing. You haven’t said as much but I can tell. If you keep taking the same people back or kicking people out of your life and asking them to come back you will never know if your person is out there. You get hurt by the same people because you know what it feels like to get hurt by those people. You know what it feels like when Xavier hurts you even if it’s unintentionally. I’m not telling you to go swipe right on Tinder five times, but you have to learn what it feels like to experience someone new, what it feels like to experience new love and what it feels like to be hurt by someone new. It’s part of life and it’s part of growth.”
I was quiet for a few seconds. “Are you okay?”
“I am.”
“I didn’t want to offend you. These things needed to be said today.”
“They did. Remind me not to send you videos of my conversations with flies anymore.” I started laughing but she was quiet. “I’m kidding. I’m okay. My family is renting a house on the lake at the end of the month so everyone can spend time with my mother. Her cancer has metastasized and she only has a few months left. She’s already lasted longer than they thought she would.”
“Are you going?”
“I am.”
“It will be good for you. It’s time you took care of Mary.”
I thought that’s what I’ve been doing but Suzette was right, again. I haven’t fully put myself into this. “Yes, it is.”
5:43am. Note to Self: SHUT THE HELL UP.
Derrick was right. If I don’t knock off my shit, I’m going to end up alone. Utterly alone. Xavier was right. I keep saying that I’m changing, but I don’t. I can’t talk the talk if I don’t walk the walk. But Jax was right about something yesterday also and I keep forgetting that. I am a warrior. But there comes a day when even warriors lose the battle and if I don’t get my ass in gear, the battlefield’s gonna have my name written all over it.
I keep promising people all kinds of things and I don’t end up following through. I figured out why this morning. I really do intend to keep those promises to other people, I do. The thing is, I make promises to other people and not myself. I make other people the priority when the priority should be me. What I need to do is stop bellyaching about my problems and do some of that radical acceptance that I’ve been learning about in DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) these past few years. I don’t have to like things the way they are but I do have to accept them. I can work on changing things, do what I can do to make my situation better, but while that’s happening, I have to accept things as they are. That means all this shit I carry in my head and heart has to vacate so I can get on with my life. And it also means a few other things.
My mother is dying. No matter what she has said and done to me, this is her time right now, not mine. The demons I have to wrestle can wait a few months. Xavier is not coming back. He’s not. He. Is. Not. And Mary, if for some reason he did, you already know that you don’t want the Xavier that you’ve seen the last four years. He’s not the same man you’ve remembered the last three decades. Let him go, for both of you. Derrick also deserved a much better version of you. He also deserved much better treatment from you. You took out your anger over how you’ve been treated by men, by people, out on him and it wasn’t right. Let go of what you think you know about people. If he comes back you need to be 100% honest with him about EVERYTHING. And give up that other joker you’ve been having sex with. Good kissing isn’t worth destroying what you’ve been trying to do with your life, especially when those lips are attached to an asshole. He’s pretty much a degenerate, he even told you so himself. Start listening to other people instead of rebelling all the time.
Take a look around you, your circle has dwindled too next to nothing.
My health will take its course but that doesn’t mean I can’t do the things I need to do to make sure I don’t end up more disabled than I am sooner than I need to be. I already push through pain but I spend a lot of time complaining. Maybe I don’t do it out loud all the time but even saying it to myself is detrimental to my progress. Negative self-talk has its name for a reason. There’s nothing positive about negativity. So freaking what that I’m having another foot surgery tomorrow. I’m already aware that my surgery journey isn’t over. If I can’t walk for a few weeks, then I can’t walk for a few weeks. I can still exercise. If I don’t then what I’ve been working for, better health, will go out the window. My medicine ball, my dumbbells, they can fit on the bed with me. They did last time. Mary, if you don’t do the things the doctor said you need to do you can add back surgery to that list and you don’t want that. Acceptance, girl. Listen, if you can spend hours being bent into a pretzel, you can do this. If your scoliosis, bulging disc, spinal stenosis back can withstand what you do to it, what the hell are you complaining about? Even your rheumatologist looks at you funny when you complain about hip pain and he’s bending your legs, bending you. You’re flexible, girl. Wake the hell up.
Acceptance doesn’t mean that I tell myself I have limitations and I give up. I will never give up. Acceptance doesn’t mean that I allow other people to speak to me any way they want to and I say nothing. I can listen and not be rude. Acceptance doesn’t mean that I allow myself to not be heard. I no longer have the overwhelming need to be heard, so who really cares if someone misunderstands me? Radical acceptance just means that I accept reality. I accept things for what they are, that things may be out of my control but I will not be stuck in the muck. I refuse to continue to spin my wheels and suffer. I have to concentrate on what I can control and let go of what I cannot in order to move on with my life and obtain true freedom from all the shit that’s been holding me back. Then, and only then, can I really work on me. This journey of healing is going to take time. It’s okay, girl. Things are going to be okay. And who knows? Maybe Derrick will come back, maybe he won’t. Maybe there will be a new guy down the road, maybe there won’t. Maybe a new woman, who knows (even though you told yourself you weren’t into that anymore). Keep the realm of possibility open. If there doesn’t end up being a significant other in your life, there doesn’t. And even though it's been what you’ve been wanting, maybe traditional relationships really aren’t your thing. That’s okay too. Either way, you will finally have you and that’s more than enough.
2:57pm
There are certain conversations that you remember. Even if you can’t remember the words, you remember the intent and how you felt. The conversation I had with Suzette earlier today will be one of those conversations. She returned my call after she watched the YouTube videos of me and Mr. Fly. I could tell by her tone that something was seriously wrong.
“I have to ask. Did you take something before you made those videos?”
My first instinct was to get defensive and angry, but this was Suzette, she only has my best interests ay heart. “No, I didn’t. Everything is okay.”
“I’m concerned, Mary. In the last video you said that trauma therapy is hard. Is it too hard?”
“It’s very hard but it’s helping. Things have been a mess but they’re getting better. I’m getting better.”
“I’m concerned. I have to talk to you about something.”
“Okay.”
“I’ve been concerned for a while, over a year now. You have a pattern and it’s not getting better. You change your mind a lot, go back and forth about a lot of things. I thought it was just your relationship with Xavier, but it’s been with almost everything. It’s a form of self-sabotage.”
She’s right, I do have that pattern. It’s been the story of my life; I’ve done that with most everything. I’ve known I have this pattern but I don’t know how to stop it.. I even know why I do it, but no matter how much I try to change it, I can’t seem to stop what I’m doing. “I know.”
“Mary, we can try other things if this is too much, but if you don’t change the pattern, nothing is going to work. 95% of mental health therapy takes place outside of our appointments. It’s what you do in your life, it’s the work you do that makes the difference.”
“I’m afraid. It’s because I’m so afraid. I keep reverting back to what I know even if it’s wrong for me.”
“Knowing what’s comfortable isn’t wrong.”
“It’s wrong if I keep doing it for the wrong reasons and if what’s comfortable for me isn’t healthy. I already know this.”
“You’ve made so many improvements but you keep going back to the same things. This is holding you back.”
“Can I be honest with you?”
“I want you to be honest with me.”
I didn’t want to admit this but I knew I had to and of course, I started crying. “I’ve done all this work and I have a lot more to do. It’s getting smaller but there is still a part of me that hopes Xavier comes back and sees the work I’ve done and he changes his mind. I know how stupid that is because the thing is, I don’t even like the Xavier I know today. I don’t love him. If we didn’t have history, if none of this happened and I just met him today, I wouldn’t want him. He’s not my person. It’s because I’m unacceptable to him that I want him to want me. Does that even make sense?”
“It does. Considering everything you’ve been through, it does.”
“He’s the reason I have my life back. He’s also the reason I got through everything that happened to me for decades. Every time something happened I just thought of him, I pictured his eyes. I know I made him larger than life. I know I turned him into someone he’s not. I just can’t seem to stop. My head knows this most of the time.”
“It’s called a trauma bond. Yours is a little different than the typical, but I want you to look it up. I think it will help. And I still want you to read chapters 9 & 10 of the book I gave you on CPTSD, it’s very important. You have a strong inner critic. Start there and I’ll talk to you Monday after your surgery.”
“Thank you, I need you to be tough with me.”
She started laughing. “You haven’t seen me tough yet. You don’t see me when I’m in court with people. You have to start setting clear boundaries, not just with other people, Mary. You have to set them with yourself.”
“This is the toughest you’ve been with me. You’re right, I do.”
“I know you’re afraid. I know you want an intimate relationship with someone, not what you’ve been doing. You haven’t said as much but I can tell. If you keep taking the same people back or kicking people out of your life and asking them to come back you will never know if your person is out there. You get hurt by the same people because you know what it feels like to get hurt by those people. You know what it feels like when Xavier hurts you even if it’s unintentionally. I’m not telling you to go swipe right on Tinder five times, but you have to learn what it feels like to experience someone new, what it feels like to experience new love and what it feels like to be hurt by someone new. It’s part of life and it’s part of growth.”
I was quiet for a few seconds. “Are you okay?”
“I am.”
“I didn’t want to offend you. These things needed to be said today.”
“They did. Remind me not to send you videos of my conversations with flies anymore.” I started laughing but she was quiet. “I’m kidding. I’m okay. My family is renting a house on the lake at the end of the month so everyone can spend time with my mother. Her cancer has metastasized and she only has a few months left. She’s already lasted longer than they thought she would.”
“Are you going?”
“I am.”
“It will be good for you. It’s time you took care of Mary.”
I thought that’s what I’ve been doing but Suzette was right, again. I haven’t fully put myself into this. “Yes, it is.”
Published 5th Sep 2024
Author's Note
Copyright @ Her 2024. All rights reserved.
My memoir is a work in progress. I posted part of this earlier, I thought it was a complete entry, I guess I thought wrong. Part of becoming healthy is being honest with myself and with others. Some people already know part of my story, many people don't. I tell my story because there are many women who feel they don't have a voice. Girl, I'll be your voice.
My memoir is a work in progress. I posted part of this earlier, I thought it was a complete entry, I guess I thought wrong. Part of becoming healthy is being honest with myself and with others. Some people already know part of my story, many people don't. I tell my story because there are many women who feel they don't have a voice. Girl, I'll be your voice.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 1
comments 2
reads 47
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
6th Sep 2024 00:41am
You've purchased the right ticket, Mary: Awareness. Now you just need to board the boat and ride out the storms at sea—your anchor will hold, though the ship is battered, and the sails are torn.
xo
xo
6th Sep 2024 1:34am
