Dear Josh

Dear Josh,

Every time, I think I'm over you, I eventually get in touch with my feelings. And I realize how I really feel.

Those lingering feelings.

I thought I was done, but I never really am. I can numb my feelings. I can pretend they're not there.

But then, I remember your sweet, cute, nerdy face. You always remind of a cute, little Koopa from Mario. I remember us listening to some nerdy shit in your car, me making you listen to Donkey Kong, you making me listen to Street Fighter. Seeing you so silly in your pajama pants when I got in your car in the middle of the day. I listened to your favorite deep poetry. You told me you wanted to move away, but something tells me that you wanna stay. You're only 15 minutes away. You told me you changed your mind, I swear it.

And sometimes, I wonder if that has anything to do with me.

After all, we listened to a song you really liked. I remember the title. "Losing You." Eye roll. How ironic.

You're still my biggest obsession. I'm a little girl writing in her diary, "I love Josh" a million times, in a million different ways. Darryl was based off of you for pete's sake! That has to mean something.

Every time we're together, it's a different energy. I can deny it all I want, but you're the one I secretly wish upon a star that would come back.

And when you finally did 6 years later, it's like we went back to the way things were. We went back in time, yet forward.

I can try to escape from you. But something always lead me back into your arms. Into your embrace. Into your kind presence.

I can't merely chalk up to "you're the villain. The end." Something tells me strongly that you did care deeply.

But you're still unlearning a shit ton of conditioning from your father who made it hard for you to shit (as you put it). The father who the cops took the side of and let you believe that you're the "troubled one." The same father who constantly seduces women when he's drunk.

But what do I know right? You asked me at the beginning of this year what my future was. I know now that it will be okay. I don't know how.

But it will.

You showed me the mirror of who I was. And the mirror was you.