The Little Steps

I was talking to my caseworker today. He encouraged me to write my story Free. And I did do that. And I ended up crying and thought finally! I'm releasing some emotions pent up in my body from years of repression and hiding away from myself.

I'm so thankful for him. He's a way better source than all these articles or videos saying the generic be positive speel. Because when I try to be positive, it ends up backfiring. I end up getting more mad that I'm saying something I honestly don't believe and end up hurting myself.

So, instead, he told me to maybe make note of the fact that "Wow, I'm being really negative here." Not to say anything I don't believe and not to punish myself further. And to move on from that point.  He also told me to not have a routine because it seems like my mind is working against that naturally.

He told me to merely take the next right step and nothing more. That if I want to clean the whole kitchen but aren't in the mindset to do it, to take only 5 minutes to do it. That way, I don't set myself up to feel bad about not doing more and appreciating what I have done. To work on those little steps and appreciate them.

I'm very grateful for him and all that he has done for me.

Because now I feel a lot more relaxed. Like I can finally breathe. To take a break from my perfectionistic mind.

I've realized that in our session, that I'm so perfectionistic and nitpicky that I push people away and end up blocking them over petty reasons. That if someone doesn't 100% fit the requirements I have, that they can't be friends with me. I realized that I'm still scared to be close to people. He told me that I might have to force myself to get out of my comfort zone and become close with others. I told him I'm afraid I'm selfish though. That I'm truly not interested in other people and knowing anything about them.

He said that makes sense given my upbringing of perfectionistic, abusive parents. I wasn't modeled love for others and interest in others.

I was taught to hate others and see them as worthless like I do myself.

But it's in the little baby steps to get myself out of the crib in my parent's house and finally grow into that shining star I was meant to be.