Playground

Well, this is a nice idea. I think it still needs trimming, as the repetition of words like 'and' are not really doing any work;  
   
I want to use you like a slip-n-slide in the unfenced, suburban-backyard of my mind;  
open, with the eyes of the world on me  
as I become a physics teacher  
to demonstrate friction  
lubrication    
in minute detail    
from the tips of your toes    
to the ends of your hair.    
   
I want to be covered in fantasy  
(and other... things)    
slick with sweat, need, fulfillment,    
and I want to do calisthenics, stretches... (the line needed to change)  
push-ups along your naked ruthlessness,    
perhaps with less pushing up    
and more    
going down. (good line)  
   
I want to tangle myself on a tire swing with you (nice image)  
my legs wrapped around your waist    
a satin necktie draped around my shoulders  
which I rub across your cheek    
while we laugh    
swing,    
grind against each other    
through our clothes    
like teenagers after a dance —    
because    
by now    
you should have an association with;    
   
me.    
satin.    
your face.    
   
Your body is a jungle gym, love.    
And I've yet to list    
the ways I want to climb around    
on you,    
with innocent (calling laughter 'innocent laughter' is a dubious idea....show us why it is innocent) laughter    
and debauchery in my eyes    
and    
   
awe    
   
trembling    
in my hands.  
   
   
(compare the shapes of the two writes, and the reduction of the words count by dropping out the 'and' words...you might find one reads a little more easily...also, sincere apologies for daring to mess with your work)  
   
Again, nice idea....the ladies might well be pleased :-)
 
dp

That was such an awesome review.

I used every suggestion, made every cut save the last. I didn't elaborate 'innocent laughter.' Breaking the show-not-tell rules... because I'm a renegade MUWHAHAHAHaaaa(cough, cough) sorry, hairball.

I am really grateful to you dp, that is so much work to put into a single review. I mean, you did a full edit, and that is HUGE.

Much appreciated.

Betty
 

Betty

The winning streak continues.

This is a scintillating write.
Erotic, poetic, inviting, all at once.

For once I thought the second stanza
is my favourite. But then I realized
I love it as a whole.

I love how you use the rather mundane
as metaphors which are a hundred times
more effective. Love your imagery here
as well.

DP has given a 2.0. I would simply say
that very long sentences deter me at times.
A little break and the eye keeps sinking
down till the end melting like a pair of
butter islands.:)I meant the first one.

'And I've yet to list the ways '

Somehow it seemed odd. May be the combination
of 'yet' with 'have'. Just me.

'Awe trembling in hands' is beautiful. Makes
me look at awe as if it were a pinch of mercury.

Great stuff, once again.

Awe,

Sumeet

Thanks Sumeet.

I'm still working out the kinks. My poetry bone closet it filled with moths, and everything is rusty. Like the tin man in Wizard of Oz.

Love the critique.

I wrote out have, instead of the abbreviation, does that make it less awkward?

Thanks again,
Betty

Now it looks different. Optimum. Bare.

How about 'I am yet to..'. I am positive
it will work. Your call.:)

And your closet sure is a Narnia. For
hungry minds. That feed on sequences
and metaphors.

Will wait.

I replaced have with am, and it looks better, but I'm just not sure it's the correct verb.

Thanks.

On themes of erotica and seduction, this was a fun write. Honestly raw and imaginative that makes me wish to be a teenager (or at least 20 younger) again.

Great work Betty.

Age is a state of mind.

Be a teenager.

Right now.

Nothing stops you but the crushing weight of societies expectations

Remember the way the night glowed with adventure Wally? Remember the way spring sunsets made your heart pound with some intangible hope and a craving for... for... more?

Where did it go?

For me, it just went out back so I didn't get the furniture sticky. TOODLES!