PSI

So in doing some research I come to realize I have PSI    
Passive Suicidal Ideation    
   
Basically, that means I want to die    
But    
I do not want to be the cause    
   
I am unwilling to carry out the act myself    
I hope for bad things to hsppen to me    
   
Like a fatal car accident    
A random shooting    
An uncurable disease that will result in my death    
A heart attack    
Being struck by lightning    
   
Anything that will result in my death    
That I can feel no guilt about    
   
See thats where the line between active and passive lies    
   
There are two major reasons why someone might be passive    
Both having to do with their personalities    
   
The first is whether or not someone is naturally inclined    
Meaning that they lean towards violence    
They have a capacity towards inflicting physical violence    
   
I do not    
There were times in my life when I did    
When I was younger    
When I didn't have an appreciation for the value    
Of human life    
   
So, why didn't I kill myself back then?    
I certainly have been feeling this way most of my life    
   
Reason number 2    
Not wanting to be a burden to other people    
People I care about    
People I love    
Not wanting my death to hurt them    
Cause them pain    
I live, not because I want to    
Rather because others want me to    
   
So, all day long I live a life I don't want to    
While wishing for a way out that is not my fault    
   
PSI is similar to intrusive thoughts    
But there is a major difference    
They both come randomly and uncontrolled    
   
The difference is that intrusive thoughts are negative    
Meaning    
When an intrusive thought occurs    
Such as a car accident    
It causes repulsion and fear    
It causes you to be more aware in order to avoid this outcome    
   
With PSI    
That same thought about a car accident is welcomed    
Desired and hoped for    
A best case scenario    
Comforting    
   
Passive Suicidal Ideations are not an indicator of level of depression    
You can be just as much or more depressed than someome who is active    
It is determined by the factors I mentioned    
Rather than the severity of the depression    
   
I push people away because I don't want to be a burden    
That is one of the factors that keeps me alive    
Keeps me passive    
Feeling as though your being alive is a burden on others    
Is a contributing factor to a transition    
From passive to active    
   
There are 2 immediate reasons why you have the ideations    
But they both feel like there is a hole inside you    
An empty space where good feelings should be    
But they don't exist    
There is a hollow that aches    
   
The first is that there is some kind of mental health disorder    
PTSD, chemical imbalance, bipolar etc.    
   
The second is that the hole is literal    
Something is missing from your life    
Your life is incomplete    
You are not living up to your potential    
Not using gifts that you may have    
   
The first can be addressed through therapy and meds    
The second must be addressed internally    
   
You must establish what is missing    
You must find what you are missing    
   
For me, I believe that both reasons are true    
Both causes    
   
I dont know exactly what that means yet    
But at least I have a better working understanding    
As to why living feels like a punishment    
Why I want to die every second of every day    
Why I don't actually go through with it    
Why death feels like a blessing    
Like my only possibilty for relief    
   
I write about death and suicide    
Because in my writes    
I can kill myself    
They are my hopes    
My dreams    
My aspirations