I'm An Asshole

There was a time when all I had in me was anger  
It dictated my every action  
In elementary school I was a bully  
There was so much feeling of powerlessness at home  
I took that with me and carried it around  
It boiled up in the form of a rage  
A rage that was used to form some sort of empowerment  
My opportunity to inflict my wrath upon someone else  
As I had learned from my father  
I bullied mercilessly  
Taking out my frustration with my fists on others around me  
But no matter how much pain I inflicted, it never lessened my own  
It never made me feel any stronger  
I was still weak and pathetic the moment I walked through the door of my home    
   
By the time that I got to jr high, that rage was accompanied by a lack of sympathy and empathy  
I had stopped caring about myself and felt I had no value or worth  
This also carried over to encompass a lack of value placed on any life  
More and more I put myself in dangerous situations  
I took part in activities that risked both my life and the life of others  
I was ready and willing to die and had little care for who joined me  
I was merciless, violent and remorseless  
Everyone was seen only for what I could gain from them  
I inflicted much pain on others  
Physically on men and emotionally on women  
None of the pain I inflicted ever made me feel any better    
   
Im an asshole    
   
I met a woman and within a month she ended up pregnant  
I was filled with the desire to step up and take responsibility    
To be the parent that I never had  
I remember the first time I laid eyes on my daughter  
I held her, this tiny little helpless human  
I looked in her eyes and I knew in that moment  
I would die for her, I would kill for her  
I would protect her from this cruel world  
I would protect her from people like me  
Less than 2 years later her sister came along  
I now had another life to watch over and safeguard  
As they got older and began to develop little personalities  
There was a softness about their approach to life  
It gradually softned me and I began to see the world differently  
Through the eyes of innocence and hope and wonder in the form of these 2 beautiful little people  
Through these 2 girls I gained compassion and empathy  
I learned the value of life and to cherish it  
I began to put others before myself    
   
It was addicting how helping others made me feel  
Finally there was something that filled the void  
Something that brought positive energy  
Somewhere along the way I began to define myself through doing for others  
Taking on the well being of others as my responsibility  
Eventually even at the cost of myself  
It became a habit to ignore my needs  
Doing for myself became less and less fulfilling  
I needed that high that only came from neglecting myself  
Until eventually I no longer mattered  
The only purpose I found in existing was what I could for other people  
I was so willing to put myself to the side and appease others  
I became complacent to the point where I let everything slip away  
I lost it all because I was unwilling to fight for myself  
Unwilling to acknowledge what I wanted    
   
I am an asshole    
   
Now I wake up every day to an unfulfilling life  
One in which I continue to define my worth by what I do for others  
Still neglecting myself and my needs  
Its been over a year and a half since the split  
Im no further than I was when I first left  
I am stuck in place while everyone has moved forward  
I work and sleep on repeat day after day with no reprieve  
Im broke because all my money goes towards making sure others are taken care of  
My entire world is crumbling around me and I can't bring myself to care  
I need to know that my existence has some value  
The people I'm responsible for are eating and have a roof over their head  
Im doing that, so it must mean that I do serve some purpose  
So what if I go days at a time without eating or if Im constantly behind on my own bills?  
Its not about my needs or living for myself because there is no worth in being selfish  
I dont love myself anyway so why not take care of the ones I do  
Isn't that what love is about anyway?    
   
Besides, I deserve this life after all  
What you put out in the universe has a way of making it back around to you  
If my suffering and loneliness helps others to live their best life, so be it  
I wouldn't have it any other way  
I had my time to worry about myself and I made a complete mess of it  
I suppose it was always going to be this way  
I was born into this world helplessly alone  
I will leave this world in the same way  
At least I can make it so others don't feel so helpless  
I dont wish this existence on anyone, not even an enemy  
I have no anger, cruelty or hate left in me  
All that remains is sympathy and compassion  
For others  
Never for myself    
   
Im an asshole