All About Horace

Horace Smallbottam, was a retired professor
Of what, nobody quite knew
During his forties, he lost an eye
When in his local The Fox & Glove
A dart bounced out of the dartboard
And took out one of his eyes!
He never returned, which was probably just as well
As the locals referred to the bullseye on the dartboard
As getting a HoraceThe years passed
During which, Horace
Treated himself to an upmarket glass eye
Which he believed to of belonged to a famous person called Etsy
That he imagined, was once owned by one -eyed  Egyptian princess
Horace had a vivid imagination, but was a little dimwitted
Soon after, he awoke one afternoon, after a short catnap
Suddenly realising
That his silver encrusted glass eye, was missing
He immediately called out for Ethel, his wife
She appeared soon after, looking a little distraught
At the urgency in Horace's voice
They both searched the room, but to no avail
Although Horace did find an old pencil he'd mislaid!
How fascinating!
They'd searched under carpets/rugs, shawls
And down the side of chairs, and the settee
when Horace looked up, and saw an open window
"Look Ethel, the window is wide open!"
"We've been burgled!!!!"
Ethel, equally dimwitted, and a little tipsy
Said "i'll call the police!"
ut alas, they'd forgotten to pay their phone bill
So Ethel decided to drive to the nearest police station
Feeling all a bit Mrs Marple-ishshsh (she slurred!)
Ethel entered the police stashun (hic)
Walked/wobbled towards the desk
"Pleash, i'd like to report a robbery!"
The desk sergeant Gordon Bennett
Instantly looked up, grabbed a notebook
And took down a brief account
writing down more details when he realised that it wasn't ongoing
Where, when, what?
Ethel Smallbottam explained
That the eye of Horace, had been stollen (hic)
That it is invaluable
The desk sergeant, now on full alert
Asked mrs Smallbottam to join him in the interview room
Whilst he passed the case details higher up
Asked if she would like a tea, or coffee
She replied "yesh pleash, i'd love an Earl Grey
Two shugarsh, and cream would e lovely!"
The sergeant said "leave it with me, i'll be back"
The sergeant told CID everything he knew so far
"A local retired professor, has had the Eye of Horus
Stolen from his house in broad daylight!
The CID took the case details
And immediately contacted New Scotland Yard
Who in turn immediately sent down to experts in antiquaties
To help with the investigation
None of them realising that they were more dimwitted
Than Ethel, and Horace!
Soon the Smallbottams home was besieged
By police, and press alike
The press having been given the nod
That a priceless Egyptian artifact of great value had een stolen
The police joined mister Smallbottam in his living room
Whilst his wife went off to have tea, or gin, or perhaps more sherry
The police were a little shocked
That mister Smallbottam
Had an empty eye socket
So guessed that he had been using the Eye of Horus for himself
They were sort of right
But then realised that the thief must of lifted the Eye of Horus
Directly from mister Smallbottam's eye  socket
During the ensuing conversation, they enquired as to how
He had managed to purchase
Such a fascinating artifact as the Eye of Horus?
"What artifact!" said Horace
"The Eye of Horus" said the policeman
"What Eye of Horus!" said Horace
"The one stolen from you!" said the policeman
"But there's no such thing, it's just an Egyptian symbol" said Horace
"So why have you reported it as stolen then?"
"In my notes, your wife quite clearly says that the Eye of Horace
Has been stolen"
My name is Horace, and my glass eye is missing!"
Just as he said this
Their pet cat, Marbles
was playing with a small glass eye
The police left
Horace retrieved his glass eye
And Ethell fell asleep in the kitchen

by Jemia