A Not So Typical Morning In The South

My day starts off as usual. Im a creature of habit so, I take the same side road that I take every day on my way to work. It may not be the most direct way, but theres rarely any cars on this road so I get to open it up a bit. Ill take 10 mins out of my way to keep moving at a quicker pace than a more direct route where I have to move slower 10 times out of 10.    
   
I come to a part where the road curves around to the right and just as I come out of the bend something catches my eye in the road. What the fuck is that? Its trotting towards my car. I hit the brakes firmly to slow myself from the quick pace Im moving at. Is that a dog? Not moving like a dog. As I get closer I see two horns on top of its head. Is that a fucking goat? Running down the middle of the road? I come to a stop and notice the blue collar around its neck. Its somebodys fucking pet.    
   
We are now just staring at each other. "Whats going on goat?" I say out the window. I dont know how you're supposed to talk to goats. He starts walking closer. I dont know if its coming to say hi or ram into my fucking car. I hit the gas a little and turn my wheel. It matches my movements. What are we doing here fucking goat? I look up and see a car coming around the bend flying and watch as they notice me at the last minute and hit their brakes but they're moving too fast and have to swerve their car to the shoulder to avoid hitting me. He throws his hands up and hits the horn. I throw my hands up back at him. What am I supposed to do? Drive through this fucking goat? Finally the goat moves enough for me to maneuver past it and I watch the irritated guy behind me hit his gas and then quickly hit his brakes as the goat positions itself in front of his car. Thats your problem now buddy.    
   
I pull into the store that I stop at every morning before work to grab an extra large fountain soda for the day. I get back into my car and a text comes through my phone so I grab my phone, check the message and respond. As I go to put my car in reverse to back out a wasp flies in the window and lands on the dash in front of me. Fuck! Thats a death sentence for me if I get stung. Anaphelactic shock and no epi pen = no good. What the fuck am I gonna do? Gotta figure a way to...bro! That fucker just went into the a/c vent. Now what the fuck am I gonna do? Its gone. What if I start driving and it comes out and flies towards me? I'd be fucked. Goddamit! I dont have time for this! What do I.....there he is.    
   
Little bastard. Back on the dashboard...we're staring at each other. What are we doing here wasp? I need to get out of this car and away from this thing but I dont want to cause it alarm. I open my door and slink down in my seat. I put one leg out of the car on the ground as I try to keep the rest of my body motionless. I start sliding by body over towards the outside of the car. He fucking starts flying. Oh shit! I gotta go now. I hop out of the car as the people in the parking lot and at the gas pumps all have their attention on the weirdo acting like a freak trying to get out of the car. Whatever. Fuck y'all. I need this wasp out of my car. I dont have anything. Theres this empty envelope on the backseat. That will have to do. I proceed to try to come from all different angles to shoo this thing out of the car. Every time I hit the damn thing it just does a short flight and lands somewhere else on the inside of the car. So around the car I go looking for angles. Finally the bitch ass flies out and away. Jesus fucking christ! Theres 20 minutes Ill never get back.    
   
My second delivery stop. Its a McDonalds. Im pulled up and checking the paperwork to make sure I grab the right package. "Excuse me. Excuse me" I hear someone talking. I dont look up. They aren't talking to me. "Hey bro. Excuse me. Hey bro" Whats going on? I hear this talking. I look out the window and immediately Im eye to eye contact with some guy. Whats up bro? "Im not asking for money" ok.... "Im just really hungry. You think you can grab me a little something? Like a burger and fries". I dont have any fucking money man. Im fucking broke. I literally ate a peanut butter sandwich while typing this up. The fourth time this week its my only meal of the day. "Sorry bro. I really can't help you" I can see the disappointment flood over his face. He heads back over by the entrance and begins to ask other people the same question. Time after time hes denied. Not just denied but the looks that hes being given, like hes less than human. Ugh...I fucking hate humanity.    
   
Im looking at him in the mirror and I know I have to walk past him on the way in and the way out. Dammit! That sucks. I go and make the delivery trying to avoid looking at him cuz I feel like a douche. I come back out still avoiding eye contact and get in the truck. I go to put it in reverse and look in the mirror and watch as another person denies him while not even looking at him to acknowledge another human being. Fuck man! Hes hungry and hes being treated like a piece of trash. Its not easy to humble yourself like that over and over and I know what it feels like to be broke and hungry. I grab my debit card from my wallet and exit the truck. I walk over towards the man.    
   
"Hey bro" I see his eyes light up when he hears me and sees me walking towards him. "What you trying to get?" He says he'd really like a mcdouble and a fries. I tell him Ill be right back. He asks me to make sure they dont put onions on it. Ok bro. I order the food and pay...fucking hell McDonalds got expensive. Havent eaten there in a while. I cant really afford it. 10 bucks for a burger and a fries. I walk out and hand him the food. He thanks me profusely. Yea...no problem bro. Enjoy. Hes eating better than me today.    
   
Two more stops later is a convalescent center. I pull up in front of the building and I notice an old man sitting in a wheelchair messing around with his leg. I grab the package and make my way up towards the door. You gotta be careful in the south. Its very different from up north. Where Im from you try to avoid eye contact unless you're looking for trouble. Down here a simple "How you doing?" can end up with you in a conversation about their cousins, brother in laws, sisters baby daddys, aunt tracy's bunion surgery. Fucking south man. We catch eye contact and instinctively I hit him with a "Hey. How you doing?" Jesus Rob, fuck are you doing? Now you fucked up. "Im so glad to see you" he says. Uh....ok? "Can you help me?" I guess so... He motions to his leg. "I cant get this to latch" I notice a prosthetic leg that hes fiddling around with. Sure..why the fuck not? I put down the package and bend down on one knee to investigate.    
   
Ive never attached a prosthetic leg before. I have no clue what the fuck Im doing. I grab the leg and Im looking at his stump and he has something attached to the end of it that has a screw or something stuck straight out of the end. I look inside the leg and notice a screw sized hole. Ok, i guess the screw has to go in there and then it latches. So I slide the leg onto the stump and place one hand on the stunp and apply pressure as Im sliding the leg upwards. I dont know how hard to push. I have no fucking clue what Im doing. I know its not latching. So I slide the leg off and I gotta rethink my approach. I notice a little knob on the side and figure out that this is the latch release. Its all bent and mangled. Thats why it won't latch. I start working on the knob trying to bend it back. Finally I get it somewhat straightened out and slide the leg back on the stump, one hand on the stump pushing down and the other pushing the leg up. It latches. Fuck yeah!    
   
He looks at me and has this huge smile on his face. "Thank you so much. You're so kind." No I'm fucking not! Im an asshole. An inconsiderate asshole that revels is others misery. I tell him that I was happy to help. I cant be out of this awkward situation quickly enough. As I start heading for the door a nurse opens the door and tells the man that hes just gonna have to wait. He cant get to him right now. Yea its ok fuckface, I already did your fucking job for you. Heres your fucking package. Go fuck yourself. Get me the fuck out of here. Ok universe...thats all you're fucking getting out of me today. You've had your fun. Now kindly fuck off and leave me the fuck alone.