looking for the light

I got CBD oil for anxiety
body relaxed but brain racing
and you couldn't fuck this restlessness
out of my bones
and now I watch you sleeping
peaceful, beautiful, brain switched off
and I wish I was where you are
eyes closed, dreaming of better places
than here

Cause I could go for
round two, three, and more
but we're not young anymore
and you prefer the downers
that pool you on the floor
sink you into the bedsheets
and take you away
from this thing we call life

And I wonder why it took this long
to admit that I'm soul crushingly
in love with an addict
and that just because you kicked
the booze doesn't mean you're clean
or that every kiss
every touch
every fuck
isn't tainted with some kind of poison
you delude yourself into thinking you need

Nevermind that I'm a fucking hypocrite
despite the fact
that I put the pills back in the bottle
and the weed is out of sight and out of mind
though I spend almost every fucking second
of every fucking day now
thinking about sex and drugs
and the lips and fingertips
of someone who isn't you

When I get this low
I want to be where you are
lost where you are
loving you where you are
pretending this isn't totally fucked up
and that I want more
than pills and sex and fantasies