power of investment

 
he used to tell me...when it comes to love
the one least invested has the most power
I resented it at the time
it made me so angry...
...so hurt
 
guess that shows where I fell in our equation...
 
in the end...turns out he was right
truth is...love is only as real as we allow it
and not everyone has the same capacity  
...translation...
...or the will
but my mushy heart will gleefully fall
regardless of how unlikely it may turn out
because I feel most alive when I'm giving
when the glow warms my entire being
maybe I was born to love deeply
...for however long it lasts
 
let me set this straight...
...no shame
I'll take that dart to the heart  
like a fucking champ
then when it's over...
cradle it in my own loving hands
nursing it back to health
that's the beauty of me
 
but he hurled words at me like daggers
masterfully carving his mark into my psyche
then caressed my cuts & bruises
using his kindness like a knife
whittling away at my defenses
 
I learned to mistrust compassion
too often followed by a beating
 
but he would shift without warning
speak soft & sweet...
...soothing my pain
only to lash me with my own feelings
bringing me to my knees over & over
knowing how easy it was to do
damaged creatures are such easy prey...
...or so he assumed
until I curled myself inside the cocoon of his cruelty
 
...fool...
 
I used to hate that aspect of myself
...my willingness to love
...no matter what
thought of it as a weakness
turns out I had it backwards
no fault in me that I kept letting love lead
it's a strength unparalleled  
the ability to believe in beauty
...sharing myself
 
always keeping in mind...
not everyone deserves what I have to give
nor would they place value on it
they couldn't truly comprehend how powerful a gift it is
he certainly never did
but that's on them...not me
 
I learned many years later
how he used abuse as a means to keep me
thinking if I believed he was the best I could do...
I'd never risk trying to leave  
I guess his own self-esteem & machismo
couldn't let me know how he really felt
or maybe that's what he thought it should look like
a boot on the neck & tearful nights
so he buried it in insults & his absence
while he flaunted other ladies...as if to prove
...there was a plethora of better waiting in the wings
 
...again...fool...
 
following his own statement now...
I finally I get it
I didn't buy his lies long enough to stay at his side
fear can only hold one down for so long
and cracks don't always lead to broken
sometimes...
they let in the light...
thereby showing us the exit
 
I honored my heart...
took back what I once gave him
leaving him with his regret & his women
saying he loved me only when it was too late
was it true or just another play...
honestly...I really couldn't say
his problem now...I left him
...not exactly alone but...
an empty home in every way that mattered
 
so...
remember these words...
I took them out of your playbook
...quoted from your favorite page...
make no mistake...
this is a lesson...not spite
(just as you were one of mine)
...but will you ever learn...
I have my doubts...
the one least invested has the most power
...tell me...
...how does that statement fit the situation now