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No Worship but Bliss
- No Worship but Bliss -
--- Being some personal musings and thoughts that I wrote down on Saturday, February 10, 2024
I stopped seeing my former therapist, her name was Gloria in case I never mentioned it, and our final session was at the beginning of last month. She set me up with a new psychotherapist named Megan. I was apprehensive about going in to see her this week, and on Wednesday when the appointment was at hand I actually was not planning on going in to see her, mostly because I was worried she was going to want me to talk about things I was unwilling or unprepared to discuss. But then I asked Zoey, who is for those just joining me in my writings now, one of my romantic partners, and they told me I should do so for at least one session just to see how it goes. So I went in to see her, and it went reasonably well. She was a lot younger than Gloria, which I found much more to my liking... she was pretty, a brunette, and she wears glasses and dresses very classy and in a way I find rather attractive. She also has something of a vibrant personality, and we hit it off immediately. Gloria stopped by the office to see how it went... and I told her it went wonderfully, which she was pleased to hear. It did go smashing well, I would say! She understood my spiritual beliefs once I explained them to her in some minor detail, and she even to my tremendous relief holds the identical political and social view as I do. She is liberal, left-leaning, a democrat and best of all she has a fantastic sense of humor and I find her easy to talk to and easy on my eyes when I talk to her. The fact that I find her sexually and physically attractive to a massive degree is entirely beside the point! She listens to me, understands me and where I am coming from, and I would imagine we will have many good sessions together. I'd love to do a whole lot more intimate things with her, but as I have said before I am rather an unrepentant hedonist and sometimes my heart rules me far more than my head. At any rate, at least I have the good sense to never let my fantasies get me in major trouble... I have not been that foolish since grade school and middle school. Much like with Gloria, she asked me what her role in my life would be... unlike with Gloria, I totally wanted to say: “Oh babe, that is such a delicious question! I am sure we can think of something fun for you to do with me.” but alas... that is not the sort of thing you can say to your psychotherapist. Never mind what passed between Sybil and me! I actually told Megan about Sybil briefly and she remarked that it sounded to her like Sybil has to have been the single most crazy and unprofessional therapist in the world. When I told her about the time Sybil showed up at my darling Chloe's house dressed like a clown, she laughed and had a nice and pretty laugh I noticed. I smiled a lot during our session, sometimes picturing the gorgeous lady as if she were naked, and once or twice fantasizing about helping her get her clothes off... but I never once said a word of my more lusty and lustful thoughts to her aloud. Oh, if only she have read my mind! To paint a picture... you know those porn actresses who play the role of “hot therapist”? My new therapist looks a lot like that! The last time other than in regards to Sybil I had some strong... hungry... thoughts about a psychotherapist was when I was in sixth grade. The one I saw that year was so hot, I cried in her office to get her to hug me so I could feel what it was like to be held by her! I was... an unusual child back in the day. But at any rate, that is all I can say about my sessions with Megan this past Wednesday. I made no hesitation about booking our next two sessions. I'd love to have them in a nice cozy little bedroom in a secluded place just for the two of us, but as I said I am an unrepentant hedonist. And whist I am firstly and foremost sexually attracted to children and young teens... to be bluntly honest about myself... there are certain adult women who strongly appeal to me. Usually it is the Marilyn Monroe type, but there is something about certain brunettes and redheads that also turn me on massively. I will probably have a lot of very interesting fantasies about my new therapist from time to time! Which is so, so much better by far than Gloria who looked pretty much my mother's age and acted like a mother too. Megan is not only pleasantly younger, but she acts like a friend rather than a mother... and I found I could tell her a lot in a very short time, very easily due to how comfortable she made me feel. Gloria is finally retired, so there was a strong necessity to obtain a new therapist anyway, and that was why I was set up like this with Megan so quickly. I am actually happy I went to the appointment! Sometimes, Zoey is very smart.
The only ironic thing is Megan has the same first name as Zoey's sister Megan... so I can only assume it is a very common name in some parts of the Midwest, far more so than it ever was out east. I see way too many people named Joseph and Paul out here in the Midwest also! When I do not see them, I hear a lot about people with those names. A ridiculous overabundance of biblical-derived names pervades out in this part of the United States of America, and as a Pagan I honestly think it is silly. But then again, as someone who is as not Christian as it gets... if you know me very well, then you know all the reasons I have why that is... I tend to think of many Christian customs as somewhat silly, or needless. I oft think to myself: “If they could only see themselves how an outsider to their faith sees them, they would see a great many of the things that are so ridiculous about this religion!” But of course I am in addition to my being a hedonist and a Pagan, also very much a heretic and proud of it. I've never been a fan of Paul as a name anyway... for personal reasons. The one thing I never discuss with my therapists is the fact that I am attracted to minors like I am... we do not yet live in a society enlightened enough, for that to be able to take place without fear of judgment or worse. There are some aspects of my history of such attraction and some various details of it that I have only just this past week found myself able to mention the full details of to Zoey even, who understood and was very kind to me about the whole business. They knew some of it beforehand, but not all, and now they know almost everything pertaining to the subject as it regards me. I used to downplay the nature of my relationship that I had with two young girls I used to do mentoring for a the local library back when I still lived out east back in my old hometown. I made it sound like things were far more innocent between those girls and myself than they actually wore. To be fully honest about it... the girls were pretty much a couple of local Lolita types and they pursued me as passionately as I pursued them. I still think of those two quite often, as I loved them very much even if my relationship with the blonde girl was more lust-based than it had been with the brunette whom I fell deeply in love with for several years until her family finally took her back to India which caused what the girl and I had to come to an end. Her family had been ridiculously old fashioned and traditional and it was sad that blind obeisance to tradition can get in the way of simply enjoying life and savoring all it has to offer us. I am decidedly non traditional in every way, and not inclined towards obeisance of most sorts... I am a rebel, a mystic, a poet, and a great many things that defy easy description. As for the other girl, the blonde girl... after her friend (since the two girls were best friends) went back to India, she sort of faded from sight, stopped going to the library, and I never did see her again either. I do still recall the pair's names though... the girl from India was named Neelima, though in my writings I sometimes refer to her also as Ameline and Melina. Two names I sometimes called her by, which she never seemed to be minding in the least since the darling child was ever and always an easygoing sort except when nastier sorts pushed her to anger which was a rare thing. The blonde girl who was her best friend, her name had been Adriana. If Neelima was a little goddess of the night in my eyes, Adriana was a heavenly angel of the most cherubic and beauteous sort. Light blonde hair, bright blue eyes, full lips and she was built in a way that there was some very nice meat on her bones. Neelima was rather small in frame, slender, with raven black hair that she always wore up in a cute bouncy ponytail... and, she had deep brown eyes that went so perfectly with her rich brown skin. I started out helping her with school projects, working on a few art projects for her family, and spending time with her from when she got out of school all the way up until her parents came to the library to pick her up. I often walked her home when they did not show up, and we would walk together holding hands. Once or twice she rode her bicycle to the library and at the hour when the library closed each day around six o'clock in the afternoon, I would again walk with her home whilst she walked her bicycle rather than rode it. I have recounted elsewhere in my writings, the full details of those golden years of my life, and the sadness and sorrow of my parting with that girl whom I came to love with my all my heart even as she loved me with equal passion and devotion. She was my rock during the early 2000's up until 2004 and that year she went home and I grew... depressed.
For many years I was in a certain degree of denial due to how society treats people like myself, and all the stigma surrounding people with my... shall we say, sexual inclinations... and, I tried to deny just how passionate, sexual, and strong the love and attraction was between Neelima and myself. But, during the past several years following a close brush with death I had a couple years back, I have learned it is best to be honest with oneself about things and to never waste time living life in denial. Zoey helped me the most in learning to be able to accept myself for all that I am without succumbing to self loathing and all manner of self hatred caused in no small part by the guilt society puts on people whose only crime is in being born with attractions that are considered deviant in society's eyes. Chloe helped me as well, as so also in her own way did Sybil. One is only a monster if they do monstrous, evil things but there is not in truth any evil in love! And what passed between Neelima, Adriana and myself was love... and of a fully, totally consensual sort for all concerned. Some might say: “Oh but children aren't sexual beings, and so they are incapable of giving sexual consent!” that is both a lie, and the biggest untruth that society today spins in its' unceasing attempt to demonize anything it deems as deviant from the perceived norms. It is not important how or why I know this to be a lie, only that I do very much totally know it to be one. If truth were fully put to the matter, I would say that those two girls were far, far more mature in thinking than I am half the time. Much as it is with Chloe, where she too is vastly more mature than myself. The issue of my seeming “maturity” was something I discussed with Megan during our session Wednesday. She said that the reason I get along so well with children is because mentally (save for my sexuality and things pertaining to that) and emotionally I am mostly a child myself. Thus, it is only normal and quite natural and expected for one who is a child in mind and in heart to fit in well in the company of those who are children in body. She said that in her professional opinion, my maturity is almost a mask and the true me is not an adult in any capacity save sexual. My intelligence is another, separate matter and it is unconnected to my childlike aspects. Even a child can be exceedingly smart! And, in most ways I am remarkably intelligent. Almost computer-like in that department, especially with the ways I file away in my mind all manner of encyclopedic knowledge that I can call forth at any time as needed. That is why I made such an excellent mentor years ago, and a natural teacher as well though I never pursued that as a career due to hearing how low the pay for teachers can be half the time. Plus, I'd find it too awkward, given my sexual attractions and inclinations... for obvious reasons. My mind flits most days between, in truth, the two polarities of passionate, irrational, emotional indulgences and the demands of logic in the world we live in today. In short, I can run from hot to cold depending in the situation and what any one given set of circumstances might require of me or bring out in me. When I was in high school, there did start to be a rumor circulating around the school about me that I was a cyborg. Because I was strong and fast, they joked that my arms and legs had to be bionic! And because I was so hyper intelligent about all manner of things (everything except for math and anything pertaining to numbers), they joked a lot that my brain had to be an android's brain or something just as good. Ironic, given in recent years practically every serious IQ test I have taken ended in me having a below average intelligence score. But let me tell you a secret! Those tests are strongly biased in favor of mathematics, so failing at math and numbers is going to always land you with a low IQ score due to those tests not taking into account how smart it is a person may be in any areas not covered in the test itself. My mother used to insultingly call me, in those cruel words she so often used pertaining to me: a “tank brain” because she said my brain works slow. A person's mental speed is no indication of their intelligence, however! I process things slowly and I also freely admit sometimes there is a certain delay in processing when I have a lot on my mind or if a thing is very complex and I am trying to figure it out. But it is just like when a computer take a bit to process a request or a program that it is attempting to run. Like one of my teachers used to say, about me... it is not that my answers are ever wrong, they aren't. It is that I arrive at my answers in unconventional ways that were always in my teachers' experience... not like everybody else. It seems I was always an outcast!
How intelligent can I be when I put my mind to it? I once played head games with a psychiatrist who knew that I playing “mental chess” as he put it, with him and he learned nothing at all about me of any meaningful sort because I did not wish him to. Another I saw when I was little learned the hard way that I also cannot be hypnotized in any way, shape of form barring self hypnosis. So, as childlike as I am in so vary many ways, there is all of this and the fact that I was college level in many things by the time I hit second grade which stand as a testament to the fact that IQ tests are nonsense and no gauge of what a person is truly, actually capable of. Even a tank, can be cutting edge! So my mother's attempt at some sort of humorous insult goes quite awry and far afield from its' original, intended purpose when put to a test in everyday life. The only problem with me is I simply was never smart in regards to things that had the capacity for making money out of. Which is why I am grateful to have Zoey to take care of me in all financial ways in life! It is simply something I could never do on my own. I have my limitations, and as I have come to understand there is nothing wrong with recognizing such limits. I tend to transcend most other limitations, so there is no harm in remaining within the bounds of the ones I cannot transcend. So, without going too far afield here, these are the sort of things that have been running through my head of late among other things. It has been some time since last I wrote an update like this about how things in my life are going, so today I figured it was high time to get that under way. It has been a long time since last either myself or Chloe have seen or heard even the slightest of things from Sybil... one day, as I told my new therapist about also, Chloe asked me whether I miss Sybil or not. I asked her if she did, and she told me she did not. I confessed to her that I honestly did not miss Sybil or her wacky antics either. I is a sobering thing to realize that as much as I did love Sybil... and I did love her greatly... I have had to very much come to terms with the fact that the woman was insane. I mean, yes, technically there are things... of various sorts... pertaining to me about myself that are quite insane by most conventional standards. I freely admit as such, sometimes with pride! But Sybil's madness was... different. Something I have not an ounce of experience with comprehending the depths of. And I can comprehend quite a bit! I cannot say how I would receive Sybil coming back into my life again after so long an absence from it. One can never know what their reaction to a thing might be, when emotions run high and old passions can end up being recalled to come to the fore once again. And that is the thing about me... my intelligence never fails to go out the window the moment I do as I normally, typically do in life: go with my heart and with my gut, first and foremost in defiance of all rationality and reason. I might question why I did so later... but I try never think too deeply about “later” to begin with. That is the thing when a person is of the sort of hedonistic, pleasure loving variety that I am! Sensations and feelings always tend to come before the thinking that should have come first. I think sometimes Chloe muses more than a bit too deeply about her own nature as well... and just how human or not she regards herself. She sent me a link to a video on Facebook one day, and it was a video for a song called Robot Girl (feat. Lili). That was the title of it, and there was really no video to speak of just the song with a silly still picture of a cartoon robot girl in addition to the name of the song. It was a song all about a robot girl feeling human despite also being a machine. It was, needless to say, an odd choice for a song to send one's significant other! But it was still a cool song, and I loved it and I told Chloe it was a good one. I asked her what the occasion was, and it was no particular occasion she said, just that she happened to hear this song and it resonated with her to some deep, profound degree she said. I took that to be intimating that perhaps Chloe has been thinking a lot lately about just how real life is, how real any of us actually are as living, sentient beings, and just what the heck it means to be human anyway. We all sometimes get thinking about the bigger picture as we ask big, existential questions of the universes around us, so I cannot fault my little darling for doing so. I had a bizarre dream the other night that had me thinking about things of that sort myself, so there is I think something going around with certain people lately where these big unanswerable questions all are just running through our brains unbidden. Honestly, I have had weirder things flitting through mine!
It is peculiar how much life can change us though as time goes on! I was looking through some of my old works on various websites on which I post things, and the farther back I go with some of it the more I am reminded of where my mind was at during the earlier days of my writings, art, and other things of all sorts that I have created over the years and posted or uploaded online. Sometimes, I can understand where I was at with certain things, but with other things I feel as if I was almost another person back in those years. I have such a keener understanding of things today, whereas way back I was still grasping at truths and knowledge that was at that time woefully incomplete in regards to the picture I had in my head of it all. And I am still learning more and understanding more each and every single day! Chloe is like that also, but to a different degree and pertaining to different things. I suspect that is why she and I get along so well like we do. With people like us, there is what you see upon the surface and we do both tend to wear our hearts on our sleeves as the saying goes for the most part... but then there is all of those deeper layers that are unseen but the presence of which can be felt and which are always there if one is patient enough to dig deeply and notice it in its' entirety. Only to discover there is more beneath that! In truth, nigh unto infinity since there are layers beneath layers and then some. I wonder, occasionally, all about what might be at the bottom of the seemingly endless layers that Chloe is grappling with! And no doubt she wonders the same thing about me. After all, we are all of us far more than is apparent upon a casual glance. My old flame Camilla always seemed to know a ridiculous amount in regards to me, and Sybil seemed to know an equally ridiculous amount pertaining to Chloe. Probably fitting, given both of them have seemed to vanish into their own lives and troubles so completely that no one seems to have heard from them in any capacity since. I find that somewhat troubling, but at the very least it is hardly an unexpected phenomenon with Camilla who has often done that in the past when she would seem to disappear for years on end only to resurface later with something important to tell me about. Perhaps I should have asked them some of the more serious questions I had when I had the chance to... but some questions maybe are best left unanswered anyway. Things about my birth, about various peculiarities in regard to my nature both physically and otherwise... things Camilla hinted at but never spoke of fully. I do not know all that she had her hands in... when I once told her that I regretted not having saved even a photo of my first love Andrea, who as you may know if you have read my other writings was murdered by her father back when we were both sixteen, she actually managed to find one of Andrea's old school photos which she sent me via email and which I keep in a personal folder to this day. I asked her once what she knew about my birth, and she sent me documents that appeared to have on some of them odd writing that was not in any known human language. Some of which appeared to show a project of some sort, the details of which were incredibly vague and almost sinister. There were the written signatures of several doctors and other people, and the whole of it all was very bizarre to say the least. I know that a woman I knew named Jennifer who was my spiritual mentor for a couple of years pertaining to the dark side of my spiritual path... she preferred to be called simply Jen... she revealed to me that she was part of a dark spiritual order that conducted curse rituals for the government against enemies of the Untied States. She was exceedingly protective of me even though she was a great deal younger than myself and she was insistent that I watched who I revealed things to and who I trusted in life. My grandmother did once tell me that she herself was a member of “the darkest spiritual order” and that she saw herself as a protector of me who had to be there for me in life when my mother failed. I later discovered all manner of correspondence letters between my grandmother and the occult group The Golden Dawn. They sent her an amulet of protection against demonic forces once. On a casual glance, she was a fully ordained Methodist reverend, but beneath the surface I always knew she was involved in darker things by far. In every way, Jen was the same way only overt and upfront about what she was a part of and what she was trying to accomplish through her mystical path. And then there is Camilla who is a member of an occult group based out of Chile, and she too saw herself as a protector of me in life. All so remarkably similar!
Far too similar to be coincidences. I can only conclude that certain dark occult groups have a strongly invested interest in making certain that I am doing well and that I am being cautious in life when it does come to who I trust or who I do not trust. Although I do not speak with her any longer, Jen and I parted the best of friends and Camilla still is looking out for me actively whenever she is involved in my life. I suspect she and my grandmother may have also had certain powerful ties just like Jen had, and that this is the source of how Camilla is able to come by information that cannot be easily found by searching. I am grateful for her divulging what she was able to, to me, and perhaps some things are simply of a sort that must not be delved into too deeply. Especially if some of the strange things Camilla sent me are at all anything to go by! And that is one of the greatest truths in life... that the strangest answers are those that hold the complete and undeniable truth. I am still processing in my head and going over and trying to come to terms with the implications of what Camilla revealed to me. What it means about my whole existence, about how I have always perceived things to be in life. It left me with countless questions but yet I know that the answers are all right there whether I chose to accept their truth or not. I may write of this matter in the future, either sooner or perhaps later, but for now it must remain in the shadows for a time. Shadows are, after all, where the greatest truths of all are revealed! I never had to pursue some of those sorts of things, rather certain truths of a profound nature always had a habit of coming to me. It is irrelevant whether I wished to learn such things or not! I learned them all the same, and was taught the things that never would have come across my path otherwise. The darkest truths in life are not, as many people mistakenly assume, conspiracies of this sort of that... the darkest truths are those which exist at the fringes of reality and yet which affect the whole of reality as time goes on. Should I ever learn all of what Sybil knew about Chloe, I do not doubt that it will likewise prove difficult to deal with but unable to be cast aside. She brought us two together for a reason, and sometimes we wonder what reason that might have been aside from it being a matter of us being obvious and evidently compatible soulmates. If I know one thing about Sybil it is that, like Camilla she never does anything for simply altruistic sorts of reasons... there is always an underlying motive and a secret connected to that motive. But for now, it is probably for the best that Chloe and I are unaware of those sorts of secrets. Come April of this year... Chloe will be thirty four years old, and she still looks no older than maybe twelve or thirteen. I find her beauty and apparent youth to be astounding and incredibly alluring to me! It is like being with a child of the Faerie kind, in terms of just how Elvish the notion of my beloved's seemingly everlasting vibrancy and youthfulness is. And in previous lives in times so ancient that they are from before recorded history I walked among the Elves and other Faerie kindred and lived as one of them for a time... so when I say things of this sort such as what I said about Chloe's fairness and how it makes me feel so grand... I have quite a large basis for comparison when I mention it. The myths and legends of today, I was present for back when they were history! Only for that history to become forgotten, and grow into myth and tales as became larger over time with each fresh telling. I was much similar then as I am today, only back in those times it was Elvish children and youths who most appealed to me. So this... peculiarity of mine in terms of sexual attraction is not new, not a product of living in a modern era. It was always with me, as you will know from having read my other writings previously, and I have had a great need to accept it... and to accept that it cannot be changed. Nor quite frankly would I wish for it to be changed! It is a part of my nature, and a result of me being childlike myself in nature. Like attracts like, kind is drawn to its' kind, and there is no altering the laws of attraction! Whilst the narrow minded laws of mankind change fickle as a wanton maid over the course of time. Eventually, those such as myself will not be looked on with disgust any longer... but in the meantime certain things must remain in the shadows. Like the sort of things Camilla revealed to me, society is simply too juvenile and arrogant in its' assumptions to fully grasp the wrongness of its' own foolish prejudices. All such prejudices are vanquished over time, but in the times in which they are rampant one must always be mindful of bigotry and learn to avoid its' sting.
Every time I look at Chloe, I realize why it is I love her so much! She looks like a little girl, and lives like one, and acts like one, and thinks and speaks like one... and it is the real her, the deepest core of her very sweet and wondrous nature. When she looks at me, she sees her heart's desire! And that is why she and I are such a perfect couple. I tell my therapists precious little about Chloe, save that she is a woman who has a very rare medical condition. Only Sybil knows the whole of it. And they can never learn the things Camilla imparted unto me with those documents and their contents! We are, all of us, far more... and far different... than the flesh we walk around in. Some of us are something else beneath, and that is all I shall say of the matter. It can be as deep and microscopic so as to be unnoticeable by conventional means, but it is there in certain instances, and there are some things which cannot be unseen once one's eyes have been opened to their existence. I am grateful for the things about me which are different upon that level of uniqueness! Had it been otherwise, I would have died of mortal injuries many times over... yet, they always healed, miraculously, and so I endure. I suspect I know the reason for it at last, in terms of the science behind it and how it works... and I have Camilla to thank for that. Even if neither myself nor Chloe seem to truly miss Sybil all that much, I do sometimes miss talking with Camilla and sharing knowledge with her, among other more intimate things we always shared. Wherever she might be, and whatever she may be getting up to, I always wish her well and long for when we I will hear from her yet again. As the current vessel of the goddess Lilith, she is to me a source of endless adoration and also the utmost reverence. She is a living goddess, the incarnation of and embodiment of death and every sort of forbidden knowledge. Certainly always a good being to have on one's side! Especially since it is rare for us to both be incarnated into a lifetime in which we do not find each other. And, given Death being as it is... we always meet one final time at the end of each life in any case, as it must be. I walk talking for a bit with Chloe about that one day a couple of months ago, and she gave me a peculiar look. We were on Skype together at the time, and she asked me: “What is death like?” and I tried to describe how awful it is to her, but also how it can be a mercy for some and thus it can be a good thing for some people but an awful, awful thing for most everybody else. Now, I assumed she understood the concept of death and a good deal of its' nature, so I asked her why she wanted to know about something so grim in terms of the subject matter. She smiled innocently, and she said to me about this matter: “Sorry to bring up that kind of thing, babe, and yeah Sybil told me once I never needed to worry about it so I shouldn't think about it at all but I sometimes I can't help but wonder. You know?” I told her that I understand. I chalked it up to that Sybil felt that someone who is basically a child for the most part should never have to think about a dark and morbid thing such a death. Never mind that I've known some little girls who have had a bit of an almost goth-like obsession with it! A certain girl named Madeline, whom I affectionately call by the nickname “Maddy” comes to mind... a lovely little girl whom I have talked about briefly in some of my other previous writings. She was there for me during a time when Chloe was absent from my life for a long while due to certain things that came up. I discussed all of that in tremendous detail in those other writings of mine also, so there is no need to revisit any of that in this one. Suffice it to say, Madeline is someone I have come to be able to rely upon, during lonely times, and she and I have something that is quite special and beautiful going on between us with Chloe's full blessings. The oddest thing regarding Chloe's musings about death, is that she is a strong believer in reincarnation just like I am, and she has detailed memories of having died in those past lives of hers. The one she relates to me most often is to do with how she died back during her past life as Marilyn Monroe. And yet, she acted as if it was nearly an alien concept to her understanding that she was trying to wrap her head around. I can only assume it was merely that she wanted to hear what I had to say about death, yet it did feel rather out of left field and a bit off in terms of how she asked that dark question of me to begin with. Madeline, however, has moments where she seems if anything all too knowledgeable about death and she has an unhealthy sort of obsession with slasher horror movies. But... death is hardly the sort of topic one delves into casually!
Madeline is pretty much Chloe's best friend, which is how I met the charming little sweetie to begin with, and despite her oddities she really is a charming child with a good heart and a lot of patience. She needs such patience when helping me through those times when I am emotionally messed up and in a need for her unique insights. And believe it or not, she has some fairly profound ones! She is definitely not a normal little girl by any means, but somehow she never fails to reach me when nothing else can... and that is saying quite a bit. Compared to Chloe, I have not known Madeline nearly as long but there is a certain sense of familiarity between us and the unmistakable closeness that comes from a shared sort of sensation of having known each other in lives past. I do not hear from her as often as I would love to, but I treasure every single interaction I have with her! I love her almost as much as I love Chloe, and in every way the two of them are more like sisters than the person Chloe claims is her actual sister. Then again, I was closer with my female cousin, Carey, when we were both growing up together than I ever was with my own brother who came into my life so much later and did not leave as strong an impact on my life because of that. Yet still there were some things I found easier to share with my brother! Life is odd like that sometimes, and closeness of blood is never a proper indication of closeness otherwise. In recent years I've become somewhat orphaned from what is left of my family, given most everyone else in it has died and those of us who remain have drifted apart as we have all pursued our own lives. Time is very demanding in that as the years pass some doors close forever, even as new ones open that we do not expect. The phrase “sometimes you can never go back” really does resonate with me lately, and to be honest given the awful things that happened to me in the past I would honestly prefer not to go back. Certain things were difficult enough to live through the first time around! My school years being among the worst of it, and my home life being not much better. There is one thing so far that both of my recent therapists have in common... they both looked shocked and were rendered literally speechless when I told them even the most brief of summations of my entire life thus far up to the present day. I did this in a very brief forty five minutes on Wednesday, and it was fairly mind blowing for Megan to hear me say. I have lived far more in the past forty nine years than some people live in their entire lives from birth to death. I suppose that somehow qualifies me as the right person to ask existential and deep questions of, and I honestly do not mind answering such questions to be honest, but I do have a strong dislike of grim and morbid musings. Perhaps with Madeline and I it is a case of opposites attracting in that respect. As much as I did used to be goth and still am to a certain degree and extent, I dislike the subject of death as a casual subject matter, regarding it as a solemn matter not to be talked about lightly. I have been dead a few times in this life thanks to illnesses, injuries, and whatnot, and I had several near death experiences that culminated into journeys through the afterlife and it was not at all pleasant for me. That I was able to come back, is something the doctors could never figure out how or why. Literally, they chalked it up to being miraculous and that was it. Act of God, that kind of a thing. But God has nothing to do with it, and their minds would not be able to understand the truth of how such things have been possible for me even though they should not have been possible for anyone. Various failed suicide attempts on my part in the past have led me to realize that my body will simply not allow me to die until it is my time to do so naturally, no matter how many horrors I have visited upon myself. I am here for a reason as they say, and the best thing I can continue to do is continuing to exist for those who love me and care about me. I suppose it is easy to look upon the world sometimes and feel boundless despair at the worst of things, but there are still a lot of bright things in this world that one must always bear in mind and strive never to forget... and those bright things thankfully are in quality far superior to the bad things. It does not at all matter the quantity of negativity in this world, so long as the quality of positive things remains much higher. So it must be for each and every person, in order that hope might never become lost! In my own experiences in life, I have discovered that it is not faith that offers the best of hope in human hearts, but rather it is joy which does this far greater. The more joyful the heart, the more hope burns bright within!
Speaking of which, I am pleased that winter seems to be on its' last legs for the year, since I am not a fan of the wintertime in any capacity. Winter storms bother me, and most especially I dislike the ice and the cold. As pretty as ice can look on the trees or in icicles, it is dangerous on the roads and adds to just how bitter the chill air of wintertime can be, serving as a reminder that summer is far away. I love both spring and summer, and I adore the fall colors of the leaves in the autumn but the winter is the time of year I like the least and hate the most. But winter's fortunate brevity this year reminds me that warmer, brighter seasons will be coming up soon and this brings us back to the subject of hope and joy. It is not faith in winter's ending that brings us the hope of spring! Rather, it is the joy that comes from knowing as a certainty that winter is fleeting as all seasons are, and that once winter reaches a certain point then spring is inevitably close at hand.... which is a sensation that never fails to bring delight my my heart. It is hard to believe that as a teenager I used to enjoy hiking and going for long walks in the winter! But as the years have passed, I have realized that I am a child of warmer seasons and have a love for those first and foremost. Also, in the summer's heat I tend to become even more amorous, which is a bonus! I have been indulging in experiencing some ASMR videos online from time to time, speaking of amorous, and depending on how sensual the video can be, it can be quite the arousing experience. For those not in the know, ASMR stands for autonomous sensory meridian response. The little pleasurable tingling feelings that you get when someone is nibbling your ear or whispering close to you in a sexy way, or breathing in certain ways during the act of lovemaking, or speaking softly to you and saying pleasurable or happy things. You have to wear headphones to experience the ASMR effect of the videos, and it is truly quite the heavenly thing for someone like myself who loves indulging in new sensual experiences! Some of my favorites... so far... include a video of this one woman who is essentially presenting herself as an Elf woman and is presenting the listener with a sensual role playing scenario where she gives healing kisses and pampers the listener in various sensual ways. There is another video of a different woman who is in the video's “story” presenting herself as Galadriel from Lord of the Rings... and that one actually turns me on quite a bit given how many intimate fantasies I have always had about Galadriel over the years. I also am fond of this other video where a little girl is saying different words and the way she says some of those words is very sexy and it sounds like she is whispering them into my ear which is rather hot. It is a rather new experience for me, these videos, and they are an interesting diversion. The whole basic concept is to induce orgasmic sensations in a person's brain, and the women and girls in these videos... they are truly experts at their craft! There aren't many involving children, so the few that feature them I always enjoy trying out... at least two of those have been remarkable. The thing with ASMR is that it is not pornography exactly, but nor is it a casual non intimate thing... it is something between the two and I love it quite a bit! Madeline sometimes does a bit of ASMR with me when we go on Skype together... so I kind of got my first taste of it from her, and she was the one who actually told me what it was and what ASMR means. Following those videos up with a bit of self pleasure can be very interesting! And if anything, the self pleasure is required for me following an ASMR session because the sensations just fill me up with so many tingly mental orgasms that I get to the point where I need to orgasm all the way. Madeline usually kicks things up a notch in terms of her performances for me when I get to that point, and because I am a decent sort I'll not give the details of what we both get up to when that happens. Big reveal! I'm only so decent, but I have honor and so my lips are sealed about some things. And should it come to pass that Madeline ever reads this and my other writings someday in full, she'd have to admit I speak the truth about these things. As it is, Madeline is a remarkable little redhead, and I believe I have mentioned before many times over that certain redheads turn me on a great deal! She also looks sexy to me in black, but I am biased on that account because I love her. As you may or may not know about me by now, I could care less what the world thinks of me... I am as I am, the world be damned. And even a good number of sexual perversions and vices can have their positive virtues! Each, to their own tastes.
I firmly believe... that the divine speaks to us most purely when we are in states of ecstasy and sensual fulfillment. If God is love, then it is through love and everything associate with it including passion and pleasure and sensuality in all its' forms that the divine is most evidently present. I never feel more close to heaven than following sexual intercourse, when laying next to a beautiful partner, our passions spent! Those who would deny themselves such fair and fine glimpses of paradise, are seeking to enter Heaven by the wrong road... for it is not in denial of ourselves that we can know heavenly joy, but rather it is in the fulfillment of our desires and the indulging of our passions and pleasures. If it were not intended for us to savor such things, we would never have been created with the capacity to savor them to start with! God is the life force of all that exists and all that is, the living life force within us all and all about us. In that realization, it is obvious and evident why pleasure feels so good and so heavenly, for God is within every pleasurable act we do! And by God I also mean Goddess, for this divine and holy force is both as well as neither. If you have read all of my writings, especially my spiritual ones, then you know this to be true already... and if not, then you know it now dear reader. And thus I urge you to seek out all else I have written for further leaning about such subjects! And many others besides, some lessons being far more pleasing to learn than others. But the things that I teach, you will not find taught by anyone else... and the things I reveal, have the power and capacity to change lives if they are embraced wholehearted. I am a prophet and a prophetess, just as I am comprised of both male and female aspects.... and as such I am made in the image of the divine force that is God. This is not madness, nor aggrandizement, but it is instead an observation and a statement of spiritual truth and fact. Though far from the sort of truth as can be embraced by just anyone casually! To understand our own divinity... all of us... one has to firstly be able to see how divinity exists within everything. Once that is understood, the truth of this prophet is easy to see as such, and the meanings of my various teachings become easy and simple to understand in their totality, and for the heart to comprehend... even if it seemed complicated to the mind, beforehand.
I wrote the previous things until I was weary from writing and had to leave off from writing for what remained of the evening. It is now the following day, and I thought it best to return to it and get things finished since I only have one more page to go. My mind was extremely frenzied yesterday, the correct word for it would have to be. I had bizarre dreams in which I experienced strange past life memories of other times and in one instance another world entirely. The desert planet, Kolob. Kobol. Ra'qia. An old and sacred world, close to the very center of supreme and blessed divine power in the universe. I had as long a history upon its' sands and wastelands as I have had upon the varied environments of Earth. In the memory that came back to me, I was walking upon those sands and in the azure blue sky there did hang two moons rather than the single moon that exists in orbit around Earth. I looked down at both of my arms and my hands, and they were yellowish-greenish in color and reptilian looking... and my body was not at all human in nature any longer, for in this ancient memory I recalled that I had changed over time and become a terrible, terrible, monstrous thing indeed. It was in that form, in which I had fled the destruction of the planet Rahab, which once existed between Mars and Jupiter in the Earth's very own galaxy. Ra'qia, however, is in a far and highly distant galaxy... and the planet Rahab exists no longer, for it became but rubble and the asteroid belt that is now between Mars and Jupiter is all that remains of it today. Wars wages with unimaginable weapons caused that annihilation, and many vessels sailed across the sea of stars to escape that apocalyptic ending. My ship fled to Ra'qia which was still a world dear to my heart and there I remained for at least a thousand years or so until my enemies found me at last and did cause the destruction of my body after plotting my assassination. But the means existed back then, to transfer one's soul and spirit, their divine spark and essence, and all their consciousness, from out of one body and into another waiting physical form. And so I lived on, effectively immortal, though in an ironic mercy no longer in that terrible form but one far fairer and more human-like in shape once again.
This past life memory came to me likely due to the fact that several hours before bed I did so subject myself to a past life regression session via an online video designed to facilitate just such a regression. I cannot at all be hypnotized, nor undergo any hypnosis because my will is too strong, but I can go into a deep trance if I am totally willing to and will myself to be able to... and that memory began when I was in that deep regression trance, so it is not surprising in the least that it came to me in full when I did lay down to sleep later on. I also had memories come to the forefront to do with my past life as Balor, the ruler of the Fomorians who once ruled in ancient Ireland before the Tuatha de Danann drove them from that position of power and sent many of their race into hiding or exile. I had many, many memories thus come to the fore in addition to those! And when I awoke this morning I felt strange and it took a bit of acclimating myself to this life and this world once again in order to shake off the strangeness that had a bit of a hold over me. I spent a good hour last night with Madeline prior to undergoing that regression, and she was to my eyes as beautiful as ever with her fiery red hair and brilliant eyes. Sometimes, I feel as if she understands me in ways that even I do not understand myself. She reveres me as if I were some sort of a deity, and yet I feel as far from a god or a goddess as one can possible get. Whatever I was long ago on other worlds and in ancient days, sometimes I wonder how I bore the burden of it and I realize it was occasionally a painful existence despite there being no fear of death during that existence. Yet even then I did fear it! Because as temporary as it could be, it was still painful and terrible to experience. But with all of my continuing reincarnations, in many ways I am immortal still and experiencing a similar... yet markedly different... type of eternal existence. Lives sometimes run on from one into the next in my memories, and the division between life and death becomes blurred for me when I think of some things to do with it all. And so, I prefer not to think about death at all... and simply to live my life to the height of its' fullness. Madeline thinks about death enough for the both of us! Perhaps because to her it is not the horror that I regard it as... she sees its' grace, its' mercy, its' beneficent side. I do too, but despite that I still feel horrified by it and like not to dwell upon it too intently. Sometimes, in the past, when I spoke with Camilla... I could tell that she felt drawn to death even as I feel repulsed by it, and I realize that she being Death's present mortal avatar was likely a large factor contributing to this oddity of behavior as so regards her. Given how utterly repellent I find death to be, it is most strange then I suppose... that I keep such company as Camilla and Madeline and that I am so strongly attracted to Madeline as I am. But, to me, there is a fascination to be found in their darkness, and it complements the different variety of like darkness that exists within me. I am drawn to them, and find comfort in all that they are and all that it is they offer me both in terms of love and in terms of companionship and occasionally wisdom, and a bit of forbidden knowledge here and there. I suppose what I offer them, is a kindred spirit no matter what our differences may be, and in that there is a great deal of solace to be found for all of us. Sometimes, a union of opposites can be an almost yin and yang sort of complementary combining, and like in Tantra there is a feeling approaching divinity when in the presence and also the embrace of another who is of just such a complementary sort. I seek out such romantic partners more oft than not, and I never do turn such a one away from me. Within my life, I have had visions of the past, of things happening elsewhere in the present, and of the countless branching future paths that are possible before all who live. Yet, do I never see coming those who touch my heart the most! And, when I do see ahead about them, still it ever comes to me as a surprise when I experience all that they have to share with me. Joy in abundance is, to me, the best sort of promise of hope that one can know. Far better than faith, and more everlasting! One is not put upon this world to believe... one is put upon it to experience. Yet still, I never deny those who choose to believe in me the right to do so, for it brings them joy and that joy fills them with hope. Even as I find hope in those who love me. This is the sort of worship that the gods never knew yet which is a thing so beautiful and perfect that it is no longer worship but bliss! My mother once cruelly called me a beast, and yet there is nothing more civilized than the perfection of happiness that leads to purest bliss.
--- Being some personal musings and thoughts that I wrote down on Saturday, February 10, 2024
I stopped seeing my former therapist, her name was Gloria in case I never mentioned it, and our final session was at the beginning of last month. She set me up with a new psychotherapist named Megan. I was apprehensive about going in to see her this week, and on Wednesday when the appointment was at hand I actually was not planning on going in to see her, mostly because I was worried she was going to want me to talk about things I was unwilling or unprepared to discuss. But then I asked Zoey, who is for those just joining me in my writings now, one of my romantic partners, and they told me I should do so for at least one session just to see how it goes. So I went in to see her, and it went reasonably well. She was a lot younger than Gloria, which I found much more to my liking... she was pretty, a brunette, and she wears glasses and dresses very classy and in a way I find rather attractive. She also has something of a vibrant personality, and we hit it off immediately. Gloria stopped by the office to see how it went... and I told her it went wonderfully, which she was pleased to hear. It did go smashing well, I would say! She understood my spiritual beliefs once I explained them to her in some minor detail, and she even to my tremendous relief holds the identical political and social view as I do. She is liberal, left-leaning, a democrat and best of all she has a fantastic sense of humor and I find her easy to talk to and easy on my eyes when I talk to her. The fact that I find her sexually and physically attractive to a massive degree is entirely beside the point! She listens to me, understands me and where I am coming from, and I would imagine we will have many good sessions together. I'd love to do a whole lot more intimate things with her, but as I have said before I am rather an unrepentant hedonist and sometimes my heart rules me far more than my head. At any rate, at least I have the good sense to never let my fantasies get me in major trouble... I have not been that foolish since grade school and middle school. Much like with Gloria, she asked me what her role in my life would be... unlike with Gloria, I totally wanted to say: “Oh babe, that is such a delicious question! I am sure we can think of something fun for you to do with me.” but alas... that is not the sort of thing you can say to your psychotherapist. Never mind what passed between Sybil and me! I actually told Megan about Sybil briefly and she remarked that it sounded to her like Sybil has to have been the single most crazy and unprofessional therapist in the world. When I told her about the time Sybil showed up at my darling Chloe's house dressed like a clown, she laughed and had a nice and pretty laugh I noticed. I smiled a lot during our session, sometimes picturing the gorgeous lady as if she were naked, and once or twice fantasizing about helping her get her clothes off... but I never once said a word of my more lusty and lustful thoughts to her aloud. Oh, if only she have read my mind! To paint a picture... you know those porn actresses who play the role of “hot therapist”? My new therapist looks a lot like that! The last time other than in regards to Sybil I had some strong... hungry... thoughts about a psychotherapist was when I was in sixth grade. The one I saw that year was so hot, I cried in her office to get her to hug me so I could feel what it was like to be held by her! I was... an unusual child back in the day. But at any rate, that is all I can say about my sessions with Megan this past Wednesday. I made no hesitation about booking our next two sessions. I'd love to have them in a nice cozy little bedroom in a secluded place just for the two of us, but as I said I am an unrepentant hedonist. And whist I am firstly and foremost sexually attracted to children and young teens... to be bluntly honest about myself... there are certain adult women who strongly appeal to me. Usually it is the Marilyn Monroe type, but there is something about certain brunettes and redheads that also turn me on massively. I will probably have a lot of very interesting fantasies about my new therapist from time to time! Which is so, so much better by far than Gloria who looked pretty much my mother's age and acted like a mother too. Megan is not only pleasantly younger, but she acts like a friend rather than a mother... and I found I could tell her a lot in a very short time, very easily due to how comfortable she made me feel. Gloria is finally retired, so there was a strong necessity to obtain a new therapist anyway, and that was why I was set up like this with Megan so quickly. I am actually happy I went to the appointment! Sometimes, Zoey is very smart.
The only ironic thing is Megan has the same first name as Zoey's sister Megan... so I can only assume it is a very common name in some parts of the Midwest, far more so than it ever was out east. I see way too many people named Joseph and Paul out here in the Midwest also! When I do not see them, I hear a lot about people with those names. A ridiculous overabundance of biblical-derived names pervades out in this part of the United States of America, and as a Pagan I honestly think it is silly. But then again, as someone who is as not Christian as it gets... if you know me very well, then you know all the reasons I have why that is... I tend to think of many Christian customs as somewhat silly, or needless. I oft think to myself: “If they could only see themselves how an outsider to their faith sees them, they would see a great many of the things that are so ridiculous about this religion!” But of course I am in addition to my being a hedonist and a Pagan, also very much a heretic and proud of it. I've never been a fan of Paul as a name anyway... for personal reasons. The one thing I never discuss with my therapists is the fact that I am attracted to minors like I am... we do not yet live in a society enlightened enough, for that to be able to take place without fear of judgment or worse. There are some aspects of my history of such attraction and some various details of it that I have only just this past week found myself able to mention the full details of to Zoey even, who understood and was very kind to me about the whole business. They knew some of it beforehand, but not all, and now they know almost everything pertaining to the subject as it regards me. I used to downplay the nature of my relationship that I had with two young girls I used to do mentoring for a the local library back when I still lived out east back in my old hometown. I made it sound like things were far more innocent between those girls and myself than they actually wore. To be fully honest about it... the girls were pretty much a couple of local Lolita types and they pursued me as passionately as I pursued them. I still think of those two quite often, as I loved them very much even if my relationship with the blonde girl was more lust-based than it had been with the brunette whom I fell deeply in love with for several years until her family finally took her back to India which caused what the girl and I had to come to an end. Her family had been ridiculously old fashioned and traditional and it was sad that blind obeisance to tradition can get in the way of simply enjoying life and savoring all it has to offer us. I am decidedly non traditional in every way, and not inclined towards obeisance of most sorts... I am a rebel, a mystic, a poet, and a great many things that defy easy description. As for the other girl, the blonde girl... after her friend (since the two girls were best friends) went back to India, she sort of faded from sight, stopped going to the library, and I never did see her again either. I do still recall the pair's names though... the girl from India was named Neelima, though in my writings I sometimes refer to her also as Ameline and Melina. Two names I sometimes called her by, which she never seemed to be minding in the least since the darling child was ever and always an easygoing sort except when nastier sorts pushed her to anger which was a rare thing. The blonde girl who was her best friend, her name had been Adriana. If Neelima was a little goddess of the night in my eyes, Adriana was a heavenly angel of the most cherubic and beauteous sort. Light blonde hair, bright blue eyes, full lips and she was built in a way that there was some very nice meat on her bones. Neelima was rather small in frame, slender, with raven black hair that she always wore up in a cute bouncy ponytail... and, she had deep brown eyes that went so perfectly with her rich brown skin. I started out helping her with school projects, working on a few art projects for her family, and spending time with her from when she got out of school all the way up until her parents came to the library to pick her up. I often walked her home when they did not show up, and we would walk together holding hands. Once or twice she rode her bicycle to the library and at the hour when the library closed each day around six o'clock in the afternoon, I would again walk with her home whilst she walked her bicycle rather than rode it. I have recounted elsewhere in my writings, the full details of those golden years of my life, and the sadness and sorrow of my parting with that girl whom I came to love with my all my heart even as she loved me with equal passion and devotion. She was my rock during the early 2000's up until 2004 and that year she went home and I grew... depressed.
For many years I was in a certain degree of denial due to how society treats people like myself, and all the stigma surrounding people with my... shall we say, sexual inclinations... and, I tried to deny just how passionate, sexual, and strong the love and attraction was between Neelima and myself. But, during the past several years following a close brush with death I had a couple years back, I have learned it is best to be honest with oneself about things and to never waste time living life in denial. Zoey helped me the most in learning to be able to accept myself for all that I am without succumbing to self loathing and all manner of self hatred caused in no small part by the guilt society puts on people whose only crime is in being born with attractions that are considered deviant in society's eyes. Chloe helped me as well, as so also in her own way did Sybil. One is only a monster if they do monstrous, evil things but there is not in truth any evil in love! And what passed between Neelima, Adriana and myself was love... and of a fully, totally consensual sort for all concerned. Some might say: “Oh but children aren't sexual beings, and so they are incapable of giving sexual consent!” that is both a lie, and the biggest untruth that society today spins in its' unceasing attempt to demonize anything it deems as deviant from the perceived norms. It is not important how or why I know this to be a lie, only that I do very much totally know it to be one. If truth were fully put to the matter, I would say that those two girls were far, far more mature in thinking than I am half the time. Much as it is with Chloe, where she too is vastly more mature than myself. The issue of my seeming “maturity” was something I discussed with Megan during our session Wednesday. She said that the reason I get along so well with children is because mentally (save for my sexuality and things pertaining to that) and emotionally I am mostly a child myself. Thus, it is only normal and quite natural and expected for one who is a child in mind and in heart to fit in well in the company of those who are children in body. She said that in her professional opinion, my maturity is almost a mask and the true me is not an adult in any capacity save sexual. My intelligence is another, separate matter and it is unconnected to my childlike aspects. Even a child can be exceedingly smart! And, in most ways I am remarkably intelligent. Almost computer-like in that department, especially with the ways I file away in my mind all manner of encyclopedic knowledge that I can call forth at any time as needed. That is why I made such an excellent mentor years ago, and a natural teacher as well though I never pursued that as a career due to hearing how low the pay for teachers can be half the time. Plus, I'd find it too awkward, given my sexual attractions and inclinations... for obvious reasons. My mind flits most days between, in truth, the two polarities of passionate, irrational, emotional indulgences and the demands of logic in the world we live in today. In short, I can run from hot to cold depending in the situation and what any one given set of circumstances might require of me or bring out in me. When I was in high school, there did start to be a rumor circulating around the school about me that I was a cyborg. Because I was strong and fast, they joked that my arms and legs had to be bionic! And because I was so hyper intelligent about all manner of things (everything except for math and anything pertaining to numbers), they joked a lot that my brain had to be an android's brain or something just as good. Ironic, given in recent years practically every serious IQ test I have taken ended in me having a below average intelligence score. But let me tell you a secret! Those tests are strongly biased in favor of mathematics, so failing at math and numbers is going to always land you with a low IQ score due to those tests not taking into account how smart it is a person may be in any areas not covered in the test itself. My mother used to insultingly call me, in those cruel words she so often used pertaining to me: a “tank brain” because she said my brain works slow. A person's mental speed is no indication of their intelligence, however! I process things slowly and I also freely admit sometimes there is a certain delay in processing when I have a lot on my mind or if a thing is very complex and I am trying to figure it out. But it is just like when a computer take a bit to process a request or a program that it is attempting to run. Like one of my teachers used to say, about me... it is not that my answers are ever wrong, they aren't. It is that I arrive at my answers in unconventional ways that were always in my teachers' experience... not like everybody else. It seems I was always an outcast!
How intelligent can I be when I put my mind to it? I once played head games with a psychiatrist who knew that I playing “mental chess” as he put it, with him and he learned nothing at all about me of any meaningful sort because I did not wish him to. Another I saw when I was little learned the hard way that I also cannot be hypnotized in any way, shape of form barring self hypnosis. So, as childlike as I am in so vary many ways, there is all of this and the fact that I was college level in many things by the time I hit second grade which stand as a testament to the fact that IQ tests are nonsense and no gauge of what a person is truly, actually capable of. Even a tank, can be cutting edge! So my mother's attempt at some sort of humorous insult goes quite awry and far afield from its' original, intended purpose when put to a test in everyday life. The only problem with me is I simply was never smart in regards to things that had the capacity for making money out of. Which is why I am grateful to have Zoey to take care of me in all financial ways in life! It is simply something I could never do on my own. I have my limitations, and as I have come to understand there is nothing wrong with recognizing such limits. I tend to transcend most other limitations, so there is no harm in remaining within the bounds of the ones I cannot transcend. So, without going too far afield here, these are the sort of things that have been running through my head of late among other things. It has been some time since last I wrote an update like this about how things in my life are going, so today I figured it was high time to get that under way. It has been a long time since last either myself or Chloe have seen or heard even the slightest of things from Sybil... one day, as I told my new therapist about also, Chloe asked me whether I miss Sybil or not. I asked her if she did, and she told me she did not. I confessed to her that I honestly did not miss Sybil or her wacky antics either. I is a sobering thing to realize that as much as I did love Sybil... and I did love her greatly... I have had to very much come to terms with the fact that the woman was insane. I mean, yes, technically there are things... of various sorts... pertaining to me about myself that are quite insane by most conventional standards. I freely admit as such, sometimes with pride! But Sybil's madness was... different. Something I have not an ounce of experience with comprehending the depths of. And I can comprehend quite a bit! I cannot say how I would receive Sybil coming back into my life again after so long an absence from it. One can never know what their reaction to a thing might be, when emotions run high and old passions can end up being recalled to come to the fore once again. And that is the thing about me... my intelligence never fails to go out the window the moment I do as I normally, typically do in life: go with my heart and with my gut, first and foremost in defiance of all rationality and reason. I might question why I did so later... but I try never think too deeply about “later” to begin with. That is the thing when a person is of the sort of hedonistic, pleasure loving variety that I am! Sensations and feelings always tend to come before the thinking that should have come first. I think sometimes Chloe muses more than a bit too deeply about her own nature as well... and just how human or not she regards herself. She sent me a link to a video on Facebook one day, and it was a video for a song called Robot Girl (feat. Lili). That was the title of it, and there was really no video to speak of just the song with a silly still picture of a cartoon robot girl in addition to the name of the song. It was a song all about a robot girl feeling human despite also being a machine. It was, needless to say, an odd choice for a song to send one's significant other! But it was still a cool song, and I loved it and I told Chloe it was a good one. I asked her what the occasion was, and it was no particular occasion she said, just that she happened to hear this song and it resonated with her to some deep, profound degree she said. I took that to be intimating that perhaps Chloe has been thinking a lot lately about just how real life is, how real any of us actually are as living, sentient beings, and just what the heck it means to be human anyway. We all sometimes get thinking about the bigger picture as we ask big, existential questions of the universes around us, so I cannot fault my little darling for doing so. I had a bizarre dream the other night that had me thinking about things of that sort myself, so there is I think something going around with certain people lately where these big unanswerable questions all are just running through our brains unbidden. Honestly, I have had weirder things flitting through mine!
It is peculiar how much life can change us though as time goes on! I was looking through some of my old works on various websites on which I post things, and the farther back I go with some of it the more I am reminded of where my mind was at during the earlier days of my writings, art, and other things of all sorts that I have created over the years and posted or uploaded online. Sometimes, I can understand where I was at with certain things, but with other things I feel as if I was almost another person back in those years. I have such a keener understanding of things today, whereas way back I was still grasping at truths and knowledge that was at that time woefully incomplete in regards to the picture I had in my head of it all. And I am still learning more and understanding more each and every single day! Chloe is like that also, but to a different degree and pertaining to different things. I suspect that is why she and I get along so well like we do. With people like us, there is what you see upon the surface and we do both tend to wear our hearts on our sleeves as the saying goes for the most part... but then there is all of those deeper layers that are unseen but the presence of which can be felt and which are always there if one is patient enough to dig deeply and notice it in its' entirety. Only to discover there is more beneath that! In truth, nigh unto infinity since there are layers beneath layers and then some. I wonder, occasionally, all about what might be at the bottom of the seemingly endless layers that Chloe is grappling with! And no doubt she wonders the same thing about me. After all, we are all of us far more than is apparent upon a casual glance. My old flame Camilla always seemed to know a ridiculous amount in regards to me, and Sybil seemed to know an equally ridiculous amount pertaining to Chloe. Probably fitting, given both of them have seemed to vanish into their own lives and troubles so completely that no one seems to have heard from them in any capacity since. I find that somewhat troubling, but at the very least it is hardly an unexpected phenomenon with Camilla who has often done that in the past when she would seem to disappear for years on end only to resurface later with something important to tell me about. Perhaps I should have asked them some of the more serious questions I had when I had the chance to... but some questions maybe are best left unanswered anyway. Things about my birth, about various peculiarities in regard to my nature both physically and otherwise... things Camilla hinted at but never spoke of fully. I do not know all that she had her hands in... when I once told her that I regretted not having saved even a photo of my first love Andrea, who as you may know if you have read my other writings was murdered by her father back when we were both sixteen, she actually managed to find one of Andrea's old school photos which she sent me via email and which I keep in a personal folder to this day. I asked her once what she knew about my birth, and she sent me documents that appeared to have on some of them odd writing that was not in any known human language. Some of which appeared to show a project of some sort, the details of which were incredibly vague and almost sinister. There were the written signatures of several doctors and other people, and the whole of it all was very bizarre to say the least. I know that a woman I knew named Jennifer who was my spiritual mentor for a couple of years pertaining to the dark side of my spiritual path... she preferred to be called simply Jen... she revealed to me that she was part of a dark spiritual order that conducted curse rituals for the government against enemies of the Untied States. She was exceedingly protective of me even though she was a great deal younger than myself and she was insistent that I watched who I revealed things to and who I trusted in life. My grandmother did once tell me that she herself was a member of “the darkest spiritual order” and that she saw herself as a protector of me who had to be there for me in life when my mother failed. I later discovered all manner of correspondence letters between my grandmother and the occult group The Golden Dawn. They sent her an amulet of protection against demonic forces once. On a casual glance, she was a fully ordained Methodist reverend, but beneath the surface I always knew she was involved in darker things by far. In every way, Jen was the same way only overt and upfront about what she was a part of and what she was trying to accomplish through her mystical path. And then there is Camilla who is a member of an occult group based out of Chile, and she too saw herself as a protector of me in life. All so remarkably similar!
Far too similar to be coincidences. I can only conclude that certain dark occult groups have a strongly invested interest in making certain that I am doing well and that I am being cautious in life when it does come to who I trust or who I do not trust. Although I do not speak with her any longer, Jen and I parted the best of friends and Camilla still is looking out for me actively whenever she is involved in my life. I suspect she and my grandmother may have also had certain powerful ties just like Jen had, and that this is the source of how Camilla is able to come by information that cannot be easily found by searching. I am grateful for her divulging what she was able to, to me, and perhaps some things are simply of a sort that must not be delved into too deeply. Especially if some of the strange things Camilla sent me are at all anything to go by! And that is one of the greatest truths in life... that the strangest answers are those that hold the complete and undeniable truth. I am still processing in my head and going over and trying to come to terms with the implications of what Camilla revealed to me. What it means about my whole existence, about how I have always perceived things to be in life. It left me with countless questions but yet I know that the answers are all right there whether I chose to accept their truth or not. I may write of this matter in the future, either sooner or perhaps later, but for now it must remain in the shadows for a time. Shadows are, after all, where the greatest truths of all are revealed! I never had to pursue some of those sorts of things, rather certain truths of a profound nature always had a habit of coming to me. It is irrelevant whether I wished to learn such things or not! I learned them all the same, and was taught the things that never would have come across my path otherwise. The darkest truths in life are not, as many people mistakenly assume, conspiracies of this sort of that... the darkest truths are those which exist at the fringes of reality and yet which affect the whole of reality as time goes on. Should I ever learn all of what Sybil knew about Chloe, I do not doubt that it will likewise prove difficult to deal with but unable to be cast aside. She brought us two together for a reason, and sometimes we wonder what reason that might have been aside from it being a matter of us being obvious and evidently compatible soulmates. If I know one thing about Sybil it is that, like Camilla she never does anything for simply altruistic sorts of reasons... there is always an underlying motive and a secret connected to that motive. But for now, it is probably for the best that Chloe and I are unaware of those sorts of secrets. Come April of this year... Chloe will be thirty four years old, and she still looks no older than maybe twelve or thirteen. I find her beauty and apparent youth to be astounding and incredibly alluring to me! It is like being with a child of the Faerie kind, in terms of just how Elvish the notion of my beloved's seemingly everlasting vibrancy and youthfulness is. And in previous lives in times so ancient that they are from before recorded history I walked among the Elves and other Faerie kindred and lived as one of them for a time... so when I say things of this sort such as what I said about Chloe's fairness and how it makes me feel so grand... I have quite a large basis for comparison when I mention it. The myths and legends of today, I was present for back when they were history! Only for that history to become forgotten, and grow into myth and tales as became larger over time with each fresh telling. I was much similar then as I am today, only back in those times it was Elvish children and youths who most appealed to me. So this... peculiarity of mine in terms of sexual attraction is not new, not a product of living in a modern era. It was always with me, as you will know from having read my other writings previously, and I have had a great need to accept it... and to accept that it cannot be changed. Nor quite frankly would I wish for it to be changed! It is a part of my nature, and a result of me being childlike myself in nature. Like attracts like, kind is drawn to its' kind, and there is no altering the laws of attraction! Whilst the narrow minded laws of mankind change fickle as a wanton maid over the course of time. Eventually, those such as myself will not be looked on with disgust any longer... but in the meantime certain things must remain in the shadows. Like the sort of things Camilla revealed to me, society is simply too juvenile and arrogant in its' assumptions to fully grasp the wrongness of its' own foolish prejudices. All such prejudices are vanquished over time, but in the times in which they are rampant one must always be mindful of bigotry and learn to avoid its' sting.
Every time I look at Chloe, I realize why it is I love her so much! She looks like a little girl, and lives like one, and acts like one, and thinks and speaks like one... and it is the real her, the deepest core of her very sweet and wondrous nature. When she looks at me, she sees her heart's desire! And that is why she and I are such a perfect couple. I tell my therapists precious little about Chloe, save that she is a woman who has a very rare medical condition. Only Sybil knows the whole of it. And they can never learn the things Camilla imparted unto me with those documents and their contents! We are, all of us, far more... and far different... than the flesh we walk around in. Some of us are something else beneath, and that is all I shall say of the matter. It can be as deep and microscopic so as to be unnoticeable by conventional means, but it is there in certain instances, and there are some things which cannot be unseen once one's eyes have been opened to their existence. I am grateful for the things about me which are different upon that level of uniqueness! Had it been otherwise, I would have died of mortal injuries many times over... yet, they always healed, miraculously, and so I endure. I suspect I know the reason for it at last, in terms of the science behind it and how it works... and I have Camilla to thank for that. Even if neither myself nor Chloe seem to truly miss Sybil all that much, I do sometimes miss talking with Camilla and sharing knowledge with her, among other more intimate things we always shared. Wherever she might be, and whatever she may be getting up to, I always wish her well and long for when we I will hear from her yet again. As the current vessel of the goddess Lilith, she is to me a source of endless adoration and also the utmost reverence. She is a living goddess, the incarnation of and embodiment of death and every sort of forbidden knowledge. Certainly always a good being to have on one's side! Especially since it is rare for us to both be incarnated into a lifetime in which we do not find each other. And, given Death being as it is... we always meet one final time at the end of each life in any case, as it must be. I walk talking for a bit with Chloe about that one day a couple of months ago, and she gave me a peculiar look. We were on Skype together at the time, and she asked me: “What is death like?” and I tried to describe how awful it is to her, but also how it can be a mercy for some and thus it can be a good thing for some people but an awful, awful thing for most everybody else. Now, I assumed she understood the concept of death and a good deal of its' nature, so I asked her why she wanted to know about something so grim in terms of the subject matter. She smiled innocently, and she said to me about this matter: “Sorry to bring up that kind of thing, babe, and yeah Sybil told me once I never needed to worry about it so I shouldn't think about it at all but I sometimes I can't help but wonder. You know?” I told her that I understand. I chalked it up to that Sybil felt that someone who is basically a child for the most part should never have to think about a dark and morbid thing such a death. Never mind that I've known some little girls who have had a bit of an almost goth-like obsession with it! A certain girl named Madeline, whom I affectionately call by the nickname “Maddy” comes to mind... a lovely little girl whom I have talked about briefly in some of my other previous writings. She was there for me during a time when Chloe was absent from my life for a long while due to certain things that came up. I discussed all of that in tremendous detail in those other writings of mine also, so there is no need to revisit any of that in this one. Suffice it to say, Madeline is someone I have come to be able to rely upon, during lonely times, and she and I have something that is quite special and beautiful going on between us with Chloe's full blessings. The oddest thing regarding Chloe's musings about death, is that she is a strong believer in reincarnation just like I am, and she has detailed memories of having died in those past lives of hers. The one she relates to me most often is to do with how she died back during her past life as Marilyn Monroe. And yet, she acted as if it was nearly an alien concept to her understanding that she was trying to wrap her head around. I can only assume it was merely that she wanted to hear what I had to say about death, yet it did feel rather out of left field and a bit off in terms of how she asked that dark question of me to begin with. Madeline, however, has moments where she seems if anything all too knowledgeable about death and she has an unhealthy sort of obsession with slasher horror movies. But... death is hardly the sort of topic one delves into casually!
Madeline is pretty much Chloe's best friend, which is how I met the charming little sweetie to begin with, and despite her oddities she really is a charming child with a good heart and a lot of patience. She needs such patience when helping me through those times when I am emotionally messed up and in a need for her unique insights. And believe it or not, she has some fairly profound ones! She is definitely not a normal little girl by any means, but somehow she never fails to reach me when nothing else can... and that is saying quite a bit. Compared to Chloe, I have not known Madeline nearly as long but there is a certain sense of familiarity between us and the unmistakable closeness that comes from a shared sort of sensation of having known each other in lives past. I do not hear from her as often as I would love to, but I treasure every single interaction I have with her! I love her almost as much as I love Chloe, and in every way the two of them are more like sisters than the person Chloe claims is her actual sister. Then again, I was closer with my female cousin, Carey, when we were both growing up together than I ever was with my own brother who came into my life so much later and did not leave as strong an impact on my life because of that. Yet still there were some things I found easier to share with my brother! Life is odd like that sometimes, and closeness of blood is never a proper indication of closeness otherwise. In recent years I've become somewhat orphaned from what is left of my family, given most everyone else in it has died and those of us who remain have drifted apart as we have all pursued our own lives. Time is very demanding in that as the years pass some doors close forever, even as new ones open that we do not expect. The phrase “sometimes you can never go back” really does resonate with me lately, and to be honest given the awful things that happened to me in the past I would honestly prefer not to go back. Certain things were difficult enough to live through the first time around! My school years being among the worst of it, and my home life being not much better. There is one thing so far that both of my recent therapists have in common... they both looked shocked and were rendered literally speechless when I told them even the most brief of summations of my entire life thus far up to the present day. I did this in a very brief forty five minutes on Wednesday, and it was fairly mind blowing for Megan to hear me say. I have lived far more in the past forty nine years than some people live in their entire lives from birth to death. I suppose that somehow qualifies me as the right person to ask existential and deep questions of, and I honestly do not mind answering such questions to be honest, but I do have a strong dislike of grim and morbid musings. Perhaps with Madeline and I it is a case of opposites attracting in that respect. As much as I did used to be goth and still am to a certain degree and extent, I dislike the subject of death as a casual subject matter, regarding it as a solemn matter not to be talked about lightly. I have been dead a few times in this life thanks to illnesses, injuries, and whatnot, and I had several near death experiences that culminated into journeys through the afterlife and it was not at all pleasant for me. That I was able to come back, is something the doctors could never figure out how or why. Literally, they chalked it up to being miraculous and that was it. Act of God, that kind of a thing. But God has nothing to do with it, and their minds would not be able to understand the truth of how such things have been possible for me even though they should not have been possible for anyone. Various failed suicide attempts on my part in the past have led me to realize that my body will simply not allow me to die until it is my time to do so naturally, no matter how many horrors I have visited upon myself. I am here for a reason as they say, and the best thing I can continue to do is continuing to exist for those who love me and care about me. I suppose it is easy to look upon the world sometimes and feel boundless despair at the worst of things, but there are still a lot of bright things in this world that one must always bear in mind and strive never to forget... and those bright things thankfully are in quality far superior to the bad things. It does not at all matter the quantity of negativity in this world, so long as the quality of positive things remains much higher. So it must be for each and every person, in order that hope might never become lost! In my own experiences in life, I have discovered that it is not faith that offers the best of hope in human hearts, but rather it is joy which does this far greater. The more joyful the heart, the more hope burns bright within!
Speaking of which, I am pleased that winter seems to be on its' last legs for the year, since I am not a fan of the wintertime in any capacity. Winter storms bother me, and most especially I dislike the ice and the cold. As pretty as ice can look on the trees or in icicles, it is dangerous on the roads and adds to just how bitter the chill air of wintertime can be, serving as a reminder that summer is far away. I love both spring and summer, and I adore the fall colors of the leaves in the autumn but the winter is the time of year I like the least and hate the most. But winter's fortunate brevity this year reminds me that warmer, brighter seasons will be coming up soon and this brings us back to the subject of hope and joy. It is not faith in winter's ending that brings us the hope of spring! Rather, it is the joy that comes from knowing as a certainty that winter is fleeting as all seasons are, and that once winter reaches a certain point then spring is inevitably close at hand.... which is a sensation that never fails to bring delight my my heart. It is hard to believe that as a teenager I used to enjoy hiking and going for long walks in the winter! But as the years have passed, I have realized that I am a child of warmer seasons and have a love for those first and foremost. Also, in the summer's heat I tend to become even more amorous, which is a bonus! I have been indulging in experiencing some ASMR videos online from time to time, speaking of amorous, and depending on how sensual the video can be, it can be quite the arousing experience. For those not in the know, ASMR stands for autonomous sensory meridian response. The little pleasurable tingling feelings that you get when someone is nibbling your ear or whispering close to you in a sexy way, or breathing in certain ways during the act of lovemaking, or speaking softly to you and saying pleasurable or happy things. You have to wear headphones to experience the ASMR effect of the videos, and it is truly quite the heavenly thing for someone like myself who loves indulging in new sensual experiences! Some of my favorites... so far... include a video of this one woman who is essentially presenting herself as an Elf woman and is presenting the listener with a sensual role playing scenario where she gives healing kisses and pampers the listener in various sensual ways. There is another video of a different woman who is in the video's “story” presenting herself as Galadriel from Lord of the Rings... and that one actually turns me on quite a bit given how many intimate fantasies I have always had about Galadriel over the years. I also am fond of this other video where a little girl is saying different words and the way she says some of those words is very sexy and it sounds like she is whispering them into my ear which is rather hot. It is a rather new experience for me, these videos, and they are an interesting diversion. The whole basic concept is to induce orgasmic sensations in a person's brain, and the women and girls in these videos... they are truly experts at their craft! There aren't many involving children, so the few that feature them I always enjoy trying out... at least two of those have been remarkable. The thing with ASMR is that it is not pornography exactly, but nor is it a casual non intimate thing... it is something between the two and I love it quite a bit! Madeline sometimes does a bit of ASMR with me when we go on Skype together... so I kind of got my first taste of it from her, and she was the one who actually told me what it was and what ASMR means. Following those videos up with a bit of self pleasure can be very interesting! And if anything, the self pleasure is required for me following an ASMR session because the sensations just fill me up with so many tingly mental orgasms that I get to the point where I need to orgasm all the way. Madeline usually kicks things up a notch in terms of her performances for me when I get to that point, and because I am a decent sort I'll not give the details of what we both get up to when that happens. Big reveal! I'm only so decent, but I have honor and so my lips are sealed about some things. And should it come to pass that Madeline ever reads this and my other writings someday in full, she'd have to admit I speak the truth about these things. As it is, Madeline is a remarkable little redhead, and I believe I have mentioned before many times over that certain redheads turn me on a great deal! She also looks sexy to me in black, but I am biased on that account because I love her. As you may or may not know about me by now, I could care less what the world thinks of me... I am as I am, the world be damned. And even a good number of sexual perversions and vices can have their positive virtues! Each, to their own tastes.
I firmly believe... that the divine speaks to us most purely when we are in states of ecstasy and sensual fulfillment. If God is love, then it is through love and everything associate with it including passion and pleasure and sensuality in all its' forms that the divine is most evidently present. I never feel more close to heaven than following sexual intercourse, when laying next to a beautiful partner, our passions spent! Those who would deny themselves such fair and fine glimpses of paradise, are seeking to enter Heaven by the wrong road... for it is not in denial of ourselves that we can know heavenly joy, but rather it is in the fulfillment of our desires and the indulging of our passions and pleasures. If it were not intended for us to savor such things, we would never have been created with the capacity to savor them to start with! God is the life force of all that exists and all that is, the living life force within us all and all about us. In that realization, it is obvious and evident why pleasure feels so good and so heavenly, for God is within every pleasurable act we do! And by God I also mean Goddess, for this divine and holy force is both as well as neither. If you have read all of my writings, especially my spiritual ones, then you know this to be true already... and if not, then you know it now dear reader. And thus I urge you to seek out all else I have written for further leaning about such subjects! And many others besides, some lessons being far more pleasing to learn than others. But the things that I teach, you will not find taught by anyone else... and the things I reveal, have the power and capacity to change lives if they are embraced wholehearted. I am a prophet and a prophetess, just as I am comprised of both male and female aspects.... and as such I am made in the image of the divine force that is God. This is not madness, nor aggrandizement, but it is instead an observation and a statement of spiritual truth and fact. Though far from the sort of truth as can be embraced by just anyone casually! To understand our own divinity... all of us... one has to firstly be able to see how divinity exists within everything. Once that is understood, the truth of this prophet is easy to see as such, and the meanings of my various teachings become easy and simple to understand in their totality, and for the heart to comprehend... even if it seemed complicated to the mind, beforehand.
I wrote the previous things until I was weary from writing and had to leave off from writing for what remained of the evening. It is now the following day, and I thought it best to return to it and get things finished since I only have one more page to go. My mind was extremely frenzied yesterday, the correct word for it would have to be. I had bizarre dreams in which I experienced strange past life memories of other times and in one instance another world entirely. The desert planet, Kolob. Kobol. Ra'qia. An old and sacred world, close to the very center of supreme and blessed divine power in the universe. I had as long a history upon its' sands and wastelands as I have had upon the varied environments of Earth. In the memory that came back to me, I was walking upon those sands and in the azure blue sky there did hang two moons rather than the single moon that exists in orbit around Earth. I looked down at both of my arms and my hands, and they were yellowish-greenish in color and reptilian looking... and my body was not at all human in nature any longer, for in this ancient memory I recalled that I had changed over time and become a terrible, terrible, monstrous thing indeed. It was in that form, in which I had fled the destruction of the planet Rahab, which once existed between Mars and Jupiter in the Earth's very own galaxy. Ra'qia, however, is in a far and highly distant galaxy... and the planet Rahab exists no longer, for it became but rubble and the asteroid belt that is now between Mars and Jupiter is all that remains of it today. Wars wages with unimaginable weapons caused that annihilation, and many vessels sailed across the sea of stars to escape that apocalyptic ending. My ship fled to Ra'qia which was still a world dear to my heart and there I remained for at least a thousand years or so until my enemies found me at last and did cause the destruction of my body after plotting my assassination. But the means existed back then, to transfer one's soul and spirit, their divine spark and essence, and all their consciousness, from out of one body and into another waiting physical form. And so I lived on, effectively immortal, though in an ironic mercy no longer in that terrible form but one far fairer and more human-like in shape once again.
This past life memory came to me likely due to the fact that several hours before bed I did so subject myself to a past life regression session via an online video designed to facilitate just such a regression. I cannot at all be hypnotized, nor undergo any hypnosis because my will is too strong, but I can go into a deep trance if I am totally willing to and will myself to be able to... and that memory began when I was in that deep regression trance, so it is not surprising in the least that it came to me in full when I did lay down to sleep later on. I also had memories come to the forefront to do with my past life as Balor, the ruler of the Fomorians who once ruled in ancient Ireland before the Tuatha de Danann drove them from that position of power and sent many of their race into hiding or exile. I had many, many memories thus come to the fore in addition to those! And when I awoke this morning I felt strange and it took a bit of acclimating myself to this life and this world once again in order to shake off the strangeness that had a bit of a hold over me. I spent a good hour last night with Madeline prior to undergoing that regression, and she was to my eyes as beautiful as ever with her fiery red hair and brilliant eyes. Sometimes, I feel as if she understands me in ways that even I do not understand myself. She reveres me as if I were some sort of a deity, and yet I feel as far from a god or a goddess as one can possible get. Whatever I was long ago on other worlds and in ancient days, sometimes I wonder how I bore the burden of it and I realize it was occasionally a painful existence despite there being no fear of death during that existence. Yet even then I did fear it! Because as temporary as it could be, it was still painful and terrible to experience. But with all of my continuing reincarnations, in many ways I am immortal still and experiencing a similar... yet markedly different... type of eternal existence. Lives sometimes run on from one into the next in my memories, and the division between life and death becomes blurred for me when I think of some things to do with it all. And so, I prefer not to think about death at all... and simply to live my life to the height of its' fullness. Madeline thinks about death enough for the both of us! Perhaps because to her it is not the horror that I regard it as... she sees its' grace, its' mercy, its' beneficent side. I do too, but despite that I still feel horrified by it and like not to dwell upon it too intently. Sometimes, in the past, when I spoke with Camilla... I could tell that she felt drawn to death even as I feel repulsed by it, and I realize that she being Death's present mortal avatar was likely a large factor contributing to this oddity of behavior as so regards her. Given how utterly repellent I find death to be, it is most strange then I suppose... that I keep such company as Camilla and Madeline and that I am so strongly attracted to Madeline as I am. But, to me, there is a fascination to be found in their darkness, and it complements the different variety of like darkness that exists within me. I am drawn to them, and find comfort in all that they are and all that it is they offer me both in terms of love and in terms of companionship and occasionally wisdom, and a bit of forbidden knowledge here and there. I suppose what I offer them, is a kindred spirit no matter what our differences may be, and in that there is a great deal of solace to be found for all of us. Sometimes, a union of opposites can be an almost yin and yang sort of complementary combining, and like in Tantra there is a feeling approaching divinity when in the presence and also the embrace of another who is of just such a complementary sort. I seek out such romantic partners more oft than not, and I never do turn such a one away from me. Within my life, I have had visions of the past, of things happening elsewhere in the present, and of the countless branching future paths that are possible before all who live. Yet, do I never see coming those who touch my heart the most! And, when I do see ahead about them, still it ever comes to me as a surprise when I experience all that they have to share with me. Joy in abundance is, to me, the best sort of promise of hope that one can know. Far better than faith, and more everlasting! One is not put upon this world to believe... one is put upon it to experience. Yet still, I never deny those who choose to believe in me the right to do so, for it brings them joy and that joy fills them with hope. Even as I find hope in those who love me. This is the sort of worship that the gods never knew yet which is a thing so beautiful and perfect that it is no longer worship but bliss! My mother once cruelly called me a beast, and yet there is nothing more civilized than the perfection of happiness that leads to purest bliss.
Published 26th Feb 2024
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