happiness

i can hear the roll-up door at the back of the truck    
bouncing up and down    
people are honking    
i forgot to latch it shut again    
i don't care    
i hate this job    
   
i'm wondering    
if a .380 against my temple would kill me    
or just hurt like hell    
   
there's a homeless guy on the corner    
beating a lamppost with a tent pole    
and with an expression    
somewhere between mental illness    
and happiness    
maybe it's both    
   
could i be happy?    
   
i deal with my loneliness    
by stalking a lady on the internet    
someone i knew some years ago    
that i've come to admire    
i obsesse over her    
i sent the friend request with a fake name    
it felt wrong    
   
   
it all feels wrong    
   
   
i wonder    
if maybe one day    
i could pass out at the wheel    
and wake up in another life