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The Cultivation of Innocence and Purity
- The Cultivation of Innocence and Purity -
As of this past Wednesday, I will not be going back to see the therapist I have been seeing for such a long time now... we had a major difference of opinion regarding my childlike aspects and she just did not seem to understand that part of me at all. She thought it was something I retreat to in times of stress or worry or pain, or great difficulty and the like... but it is not. It is something that is always a part of me and it simply becomes more obvious and evident when I let it fully show, rather than putting on an adult facade for the sake of others. I explained to her that I am still highly intelligence, as anyone who reads my writings can clearly tell, but that my intelligence is separate from my personality, emotions, and my overall psychological makeup as a person. Just like how my person code of honor, morals and ethics... such as they are... are separate from my spiritual and religious beliefs. In my mind, this all makes sense in the most logical of ways... different sections of my mind are dedicated to separate, different things. In the most orderly of ways that makes sense to me. She acted shocked and surprised that I was unable to work a normal job... when I clearly explained to her and she understood up until now... that I have very severe PTSD coupled with autism, a childlike inner nature that is evident outwardly in my behavior a lot of the time if not most of the time, and severe social anxiety that leads me to avoid the most hectic and nerve-wracking (for me) social situations. She backed away from her promise of helping me to get on disability so I could have money coming in, and she kept on saying I should attempt to get three jobs so that when I inevitably get fired from them then it would prove to the people who grand disability to people that I indeed cannot work on normal job. I explained to her that this is impossible because never in my entire life have I ever been able to make it past the initial job interview without the person doing the hiring telling me that they could not take a chance with having me work for (insert job here). That is the entire reason why I had to resort to becoming a prostitute during that span of my life when I did that for a living... no regular job would hire me. Likewise, I had to explain to her all over again that I cannot drive because I have a severe nervous condition where my hands begin to shake violently if I get behind the wheel of a vehicle. I was flat out told by the driving instructor I was assigned back when I was a lot younger and actually attempted to get my driver's license and learn how to drive... that I would never be able to drive and after they put me through a driving simulator that I utterly failed at (it was a disaster), they told me that I simply was too messed up with my nerves to be safe behind the wheel. It was not at all simply this repetition of previously discussed things, nor simply her inability to comprehend the deal with my childlike aspects... she argued that those same childlike aspects were a form of dissociation. It was totally untrue given that I have a very clear grasp of reality... I simply view it from the perspective of someone who is childlike. Now being childlike is totally different from being childish about things. I am not childish about things! And I suspect this therapist did not realize there is a difference. Because I never act childishly, she did not understand why it is that I am childlike. I put it to her bluntly. I said to her, and I quote exactly: “Sometimes, I simply cannot do adult things... and there are many adult things I simply cannot ever do at all.” When I told her that I was happy that my partner Zoey is taking care of me both financially and as someone who loves me, and whom I love with all my heart... she said that in her mind that makes me too dependent on someone else. But how else is a child (in an adult's body... in my case) supposed to live? A child is always going to need to be dependent on the adults in their life. In my life, Zoey is not just my partner but also my guardian, my protector, and my parental figure as well. We love each other in many unique and different ways. If a therapist cannot tell the difference between love and dependence then that is a poor therapist indeed! If a therapist cannot fathom the mind of a very young child, even if they look like an adult in body... then they are a poor therapist in the extreme. I will not be going back to see that therapist ever again. So that was the biggest thing that happened to me this past week. I have been absent from writing these journal-like writings of mine for a while now, though I felt it was time to express myself in this way today, given just how much I have had on my mind of late.
I was sick with step throat from the beginning of September up until just before Halloween, and then I got sick with a second throat issue... this time a sore throat that turned into a bad cold... for the whole first week of this month, November. My immune system leaves much to be desired thanks to the awful fact that it appears I am suffering from Lupus disease as evidenced by the red butterfly shaped rash that I get both before and after getting sick each and every time, with the rash covering my nose and cheeks. The rash is part of what is called a flareup, and when that happens my immune system is at its' weakest and that either means I am about to get sick with something or that I just got over being sick. Lupus is a very odd disease too, there is no cure for it and the medicines they proscribe for it are worse than all the symptoms of the disease itself. No one knows what causes Lupus either! But it is more prevalent, from all I have understood of it, with women than with men. Further proof of my intersex condition. As if it was that anyone needed further proof of it with me! But I digress. Lupus flareups can also be triggered by allergies, environmental pollutants, and other things... so it isn't always a sign that I am going to be getting sick or that I am getting over being sick. The rash and other symptoms can occur due to several other causes. Some people can live full lives with Lupus... some can die from it should the disease at some point affect their kidneys. I take things day by day, and I do not dwell on the future too much. Nor on the worst aspects of Lupus disease. It is what it is, and if all goes well I will live a full life regardless of this! I think the most awful part of being sick the past two times with my throat is that both times I lost my voice and had to go to the doctor to get medicine to recover. Since my immune system was not able to fight off the sickness both times. I had to take a steroid for the swelling in my throat and other pills for everything else that came from the strep throat and the sore throat I got after I was over that. In the end, I recovered... my voice came back fully... and I got healthy again. But it is worse than when I was younger and did not lose my voice when I got things like that and could recover without having to see a doctor at all. It proves that indeed my immune system is not as good as it used to be. For most of my life, I only ever got sick once a year near the end of the year (just like this year) but it was only ever things like a stomach flu that were easy to get over. This was the first year where I actually had to see a doctor because I could not get over something I caught. Zoey tells me always not to dwell on it though. I have to live day by day, and live each day as if it was all I might ever have. Being something of more than a bit of a hedonist... that is how I have always lived my life anyway. This simply gives me a reason to rationalize it a bit more. I explained to the therapist about the fact that I share a lot of my life online, and that online I have a large circle of friends and loved ones... who give me all the support I need. She then once again told me that she did not think I needed to keep coming back in for further sessions with her. She asked me if I meditate, if I perform Wiccan rituals to know myself better as a person. I told her that I have done all of that plus Yoga too back when I was younger. And that I still meditate and do the Wiccan rituals to this very day. “Well, then it seems to me like you've been helping yourself just fine!” she told me, and made it clear that she was running out of things to suggest to me. I have said it before, and I shall state it again... I know myself better than most people do who got in for psychotherapy. Is it not so much that I am a pinnacle of sanity... far from it, actually! It is rather, that I understand myself so completely, and have done a great deal of personal healing without the aid of a therapist... that there is a lot that is unnecessary for any therapist to do in regards to me. But we disagree now on too many things and the sessions have become too difficult for me with her failure to understand me at all. I told her the reason I had to cancel the past several sessions was that I had gotten sick and could not come in for any of them. That is true! But I suspected she did not believe me. Now, I will be canceling any further such sessions not because of being sick... since I am quite healthy once again for the time being... but, rather, because she is starting to do me more psychological harm than good due to all the reasons I mentioned. And others I would not care to mention at all. She has shown me less and less empathy and far less in the way of understanding each time... this past sessions felt ice cold to me. I do not need such coldness!
Someone made a comment to me recently that a lot of my writings have become very dark anymore... but that is because in between being on a kick of writing horror stories since it has been that time of the year again for such stories, I have been thinking a lot about some of the darker moments from my past and trying to come to terms with a lot of things about myself. It is not that I am becoming darker at all as a person... I am no darker right now than I have ever been over all the years of my life thus far. It is simply that the darkness in me is fully balance alongside the light, and I do not see any point in trying to downplay it or deny that it exists. But neither do I celebrate it! I acknowledge it, and I give it its' due. In the exact same way that I do with the light. That is, rather, a celebration of balance. To deny the dark is to deny a large source of a person's passions and creativity. A life lived only in the light is a life lives in the service to strict order with little room for deviation or creative expression. I prefer to give free reign to my creativity, free license to self-expression, and yet to do so within an order that makes sense to me. As I have said countless times... when order becomes too restrictive then it is time to add just a touch of chaos to liven things up. But within just enough order so as to prevent anarchy from being the order of the day. I write, even in my fictions, what is in full accord with my personal philosophies and at times a lot that is based on personal experiences and memories, and thoughts and feelings. Writing can be, if it is that a person writes as intimately as I do, a form of therapy in and of itself. When the therapist asked if I write my feelings down, I explained to her that I do in every imaginable way. Once again, I thought of something first that left the therapist feeling somewhat useless given she could not advise me to do a thing that I have already done or am in the process of doing. Speaking of intimate truths... I tried to tell someone recently about my social and political views, and it was difficult to put into words. During my childhood and growing up, such as it was... my grandmother was very vocal about having certain views that, as she put it to me once: “One could call communist, if they wanted to see it that way.” She was a very zealously religious woman, which is why we butted heads so much and sometimes fought a lot. But she believed in all the aspects of communism except for the parts pertaining to atheism. She was a very smart woman to be able to separate the social aspects of that philosophy from the religious ones. Or rather, from the anti-religious ones, more properly. It showed me that a person could incorporate a lot of the less restricting aspects of communism without losing the essence of it. But she could not seem to further separate what does not work in communism from what could work. It was a lot to digest for me, philosophically, when I was growing up and further I had a global perspectives teacher when I was in high school who was a staunch Marxist though not a communist exactly. Though he was very fond of showing us students video documentaries about Cuba, the Soviet Union, and other countries that were under communist rule. It gave me a great understanding about why the communist system failed in all of those countries and why if one is to incorporate Marxist elements into their philosophies in life then it needs to be done with care, intelligence, and a mind geared towards tossing out what had failed each time before in favor of what works or what could work if it was further combined with complementary philosophies. I tell everyone I meet that I am liberal first and foremost... which I totally am. And then I explain that I tend to lean strongly towards the left, politically, in recent years far more than I ever did in the past. I have seen the awful destructiveness of right wing extremism in society, and it quite frankly makes me sick to see the evils committed by such individuals. Their intolerance, their lack of any sort of decent human understand towards others, and their prejudices and hatred towards people who are not like them and pretty much anybody who is different. I have no use for individuals who value arrogant bigotry over human decency and the right of each and every person to live life as they see fit to. If you have read my previous writings thus far, you will know how it is that I have incorporated things such as Marxism and socialism into my writings in combination with my spiritual views so as to create in them a workable system that if the world followed... would lead humanity towards a brighter future for all. I took the best that was inherent in those things, tossed out all that failed before, and created a new thing.
Someone once said: “I like Jesus Christ's kind of communism.” and that is a fair point. If we all loved one another and saw to each other's needs, and cared for those who need to be cared for, tossing nobody aside in the process... if we valued human life instead of valuing money... and if we lived in a society of a sort where all have what they need and no one lacks for anything that is needed, then I daresay that is the very definition of a true utopia. I have mentioned before various methods for being able to keep the idea of private property whilst still doing away with money and creating a system based on equality for all and with no rich lording it over the poor, with no one being crushed under the wheels of a capitalist system that is constantly on the verge of collapse. I have stated the ways that such a system could truly revolutionize society in ways that no society has seen before in all of human history! And I am well and fully aware that no capitalist society on the planet would ever allow such a thing to come into being. It is a sad truth that the world is in the grip of greed more than reason. Greedy politicians and rulers who lord it over the masses whilst robbing people of human dignity. Do you have any idea how many people are made poor just so that the wealthiest of the western elite can continue to live lives of luxury? Truth! And the depths of the evils of this can boggle the mind. Did not Jesus once say something to the effect of: “You cannot value God and money.” along with something like: “A man cannot serve two masters.” Now, I am not a Christian but I see enough truth in what Christ taught... to know that what passes today for Christianity is a greedy, bigoted, self-righteous perversion of everything Christ ever stood for. They call people like me who are Pagan (as well as Gnostic since I am just as Gnostic as I am Pagan) heretics but if you really study deeply and learn what it is they have tried to erase and hide... then it becomes all too obvious that they are the true heretics, having become apostate from everything Christ truly taught. The moment they judge others and act with prejudice towards them... they have become apostate! And yet, such apostasy has become the norm among Christians the world over. The cruel treatment that so very many supposed Christians visit daily upon people like me and other members of the LGBTQIA+ community is atrocious to say the least! They would see us wiped from the face of this world if they had it their way, the sort of Christians I am talking about. And what is that if not hatred? And hatred is not was Christ truly taught! How can they be said to be loving their neighbor if they look at others with hatred of any kind? This is what is inherently evil in mainstream religion, and what has become evident in modern times thanks to information become more easily obtainable than at any other point in human history. In medieval times, it was easy for the Church to fool the masses, to make them believe all the lies they taught and that every evil they visited on others was for the good of their souls. Because all of the peasantry of those times was kept ignorant of the truth, and the Church used wealth and power to crush all opposition to their authority. Today, all the wealth and power they once possessed is worthless compared to the true power of the truth that comes from the study of information! Once a person has become truly enlightened... the falsehood of corrupt doctrines and dogmas become all too obvious and impossible to ignore. One has only to look online for the truth, and you will find hundreds of websites where the truths that once were hidden are shared freely with anyone who cares to have a look. On here, on this very site on which I post these works of mine, you are receiving the truth. That is true power! In an age of information, knowledge is power. And the more knowledge that is shared with people, the far more powerful the people can become. That is what mainstream religions fear, that is what every evil, wicked, corrupt, greedy politician and ruler fears! That is why in some countries the state controls the media... because they fear to have people learning the truth. Knowledge is power, and those in power at the moment long for the days when they could keep their subjects ignorant and subservient to their will. Such days will thankfully never come again! The greatest tool of the true revolutionary today, is in fact knowledge itself. Knowledge can empower the people and even destabilize tyrannical governments. It is both intimately person and yet massively public for all to see. That is why I share all my knowledge freely, and no longer keep silent when it comes to my views. Knowledge shared, is always power given!
And this is all relevant in that it is proof that a childlike individual can still be highly intellectual and deeply philosophical, and able to discern truth from falsehood and what is just from what is unjust. One of the few things the therapist said about me that I actually agree with is that I do not easily fit into any single category, since I tend to be beyond simple categorization in pretty much all respects. I do not set out in life trying to be what others would have me to be... I simply am myself, and those who can do so will understand me. I never worry or concern myself with those who cannot or who will not at least try to, since obviously they are not meant to. Thanksgiving was hectic, since mostly everyone in the whole of Zoey's family was over the house for the big dinner. I felt awkward around the children, one is a girl who is around fourteen years old or thereabout and the other is another girl who is a good deal younger than that. They have a brother as well who is about the same age as the younger girl is. I felt awkward for two reasons... firstly, because I mentally regard myself as pretty much in the same age range as the younger sister. Secondly, and most awkwardly, because I find myself highly attracted to the younger girl and somewhat attracted to her older sister. I have stated before that I am a person who is attracted very strongly towards minors, though I do have a fondness for some adult women as well... especially those who are childlike in looks and in behavior. I believe it is because of the fact that I am childlike so very strongly in my mind that it boils down to me being attracted to other people who are around my mental age. This has nothing whatsoever to do with my intelligence! It has everything to do with a child in an adult body being attracted to other children who are still very much in children's bodies. Society says it is wrong and terrible, and just plain horrible for an adult to be attracted to a child! But when that adult is not mentally fully an adult... in my book that is a huge gray area that the law never considers but that I honestly believe should be taken into account. A person as it is cannot help what they are attracted to, as that is a primal urge that is a part of the person on an equally primal level. But someone like me who is childlike... is even more so unable to help such a thing. Quite frankly, I shall always maintain that it should be fully legal for an adult to be with a child romantically if the child consents to it. And yes! A lot of children and very mature for their age and fully capable to granting such consent. But in any case I would not pursue anything with these children since they are part of the family and their father would definitely kill me. Yet, the younger sister is remarkably beautiful and the older sister is becoming rather a sexy looking young lady as she is getting older. As well, the older sister is socially awkward just like I am... and just like me when I was her age she is highly introverted except when around friends and also at times around family. I cannot even hug them out of fear that I might do in a manner that is more akin to how you might hug a girl you are dating or romantically interested in. And there is, of course, a huge difference in that kind of hug... as opposed to the kind a father would give his kids. So, I kept staring at the two of them, and a couple of times the older sister looked gazes with me and I thought: “If I keep on staring into her eyes like this, this intensely... she's totally going to know that I think she's sexy, and that would be very awkward.” Mostly because her father and mother were right there! I mean, she is around fourteen now, so she knows I would think if a person was looking at her in that sort of a way. The way a person looks at someone they desire, strongly, in a sexual capacity. Sometimes, it almost feels like there is a tiny bit of tension between her and I, but that could be my desire for her speaking... but in any case, it made it awkward indeed for she and I both it seemed. Their father is a bastard! He is always quick to yell and scream at the children, and at one point he and his wife even said they wish they could simply abandon the children in one of the local corn fields to get ride of them. He joked that he'd just tell them to survive as best they could, and that he'd abandon them without a second thought if he could. I hated him for being that way! He doesn't deserve to have such beautiful daughters who he is so cruel. And he was not joking, either... his wife teased that for all she cared the kids could go off and become like the children in “Children of the Corn” by Stephen King. And I had a brief fantasy play through my head in which I and the children were together in a corn field sacrificing their horrible parents to eldritch gods.
We live in a society where cruel, or abusive (and sometimes both), parents get to have custody of truly lovely children whom they treat poorly if not downright wickedly... whilst me, I would put the girls on a pedestal and ensure they wanted for nothing in life. Not just because I find the two sisters so attractive... but because they deserve to just be happy and not to have a childhood filled with bad memories to look back on. I know, because I had a childhood filled with me being abused, tortured, tormented, and made to truly suffer in countless unimaginable ways both when I was at home and in school. If the laws were different and the two sisters were not the children of such odious parents... I should very much pursue a romantic relationship with whichever of the two girls who would have me. And I would treat her like a queen, if not like a little goddess! Because that is far preferable to the mistreatment they suffer now. I had a mother who actually did abandon me once at the mall in one of the neighboring cities (one of the bad ones cities too), and I ended up having to call home to have my grandfather come pick me up and take me home. My female cousin Carey pulled the same thing on me once... she took me out to a mall, this time a different one in a more rural area... along with her boyfriend Tim who was at the time one of my best friends. She promised to set me up with a girl that was a friend of hers who would be waiting for us at the mall. Instead, her and time went off to do drugs and because I do not take drugs I refused to come with them and was forced to call my grandfather to once again come pick me up so I could have a way of actually getting home. I've been abandoned by family members many, many times over the years and I know how horrible and traumatizing a thing that truly is. I wanted to smack this man for saying a thing like that even if he had meant it jokingly because that is not a very funny kind of joke! It is a sick joke, and told by a man who is fast becoming the very opposite of the sort of father he always said he wanted to become. Sometimes, the wrong people have children! And he is definitely wrong, on a vast number of counts. Yet, society would say I am the wicked one and that is why the law is wrong and also quite stupid... as things stand, in the world today. They act like people who are attracted to children are in fact criminals... whilst some of us actually would treat a child decently as a romantic partner... whilst their parents sometimes cannot even seem to be able to treat them decently as their own offspring. That is a pretty sad irony! And one that is in and of itself rather something of a joke. More and more I do find myself disgusted with society today... and wishing that there could be a revolution capable of remaking things after a far more tolerable image. A society wherein the principals that I have laid down are very much followed to the letter, and in which everyone would be free to live their lives as they see fit with no interference from those who do not understand. A society wherein the LGBTQIA+ community needs no longer to be afraid, and where minor attracted individuals who are not violent would be free to at the last be able to be with any consenting child that they might strike up an agreeable relationship with. A society with no rich pricks lording it over those they view as being beneath them, a society wherein all people are cared for and no one is left behind or crushed under the boot of others. Yet, they will tell you people such as myself are wicked and horrible individuals! Love is not wicked, nor is it horrible. And it is a fact that no person can fully govern their hearts and minds in matters pertaining to love. You cannot grand rights only to whom it pleases you to grant them to... rights need to be universal, in order to truly be fair and just for all. Even Jesus Christ was said to have found young boys attractive, and there is one Gnostic scripture in which Christ was seen kissing a young boy on the mouth. Naturally... this scripture was labeled a heresy by the Church and they attempted to destroy every copy of it in existence. Yet, it along with all of the Gnostic scriptures survived the Church's purges and to this day it can be read by all who might have a desire to seek it out. This is proof that Jesus Christ was actually a person who felt an attraction towards people who would today be considered minors. Back then it was merely looked on as being somewhat scandalous by the “proper” Roman standards of that era, but it was not illegal nor was it unheard of. But in their efforts to turn Jesus Christ into a sexless deity under the Church's control, the powers that be decided to bury his relationship with both Mary Magdalene and that young boy as well.
If you noticed, I did not capitalize the word “his” in relation to Christ just now. That is well because I fully and rightly honor Christ's humanity just as he would so wish for all peoples to. I simply refuse to ascribe divinity to any man who did not wish to have any titles of divinity forced upon him. He stated that anyone could be like him and that anyone could do as he did, and he always encouraged people to. In Islam he is stated to have been a great prophet but never to be equated with or made equal to God by any means. He was a spiritual teacher, and a social and political revolutionary. He was not a god! Nor was he one with God, and even if he actually was the son of the Biblical God... he did not wish to be at all associated with such when he became an adult. Remember! When he asked his disciples who they thought him to be, and they said all manner of divine things including him being a messiah... he said only that they were blessed no matter what they believed, being careful never to fully flat out say that he agreed with them about those views. He let people believe about him whatsoever they wished because he knew that people are going to believe what they want no matter what you do. Just like when it was that he was brought before the Roman authorities... Pilate asked him very clearly about people calling him a king, and he explained to the man that he meant that he was a king of a kingdom not this world, and that this was the truth he had come to testify. But Christ had meant all of that philosophically! For all spiritual teachers and philosophers can be said to be kings of a kingdom not of this world. That is a simply matter to understand, and Pilate clearly understood it well enough that he declared Jesus Christ to be innocent of blasphemy. Now, if Christ has actually believed himself to be a god, then never would he have been declared innocent by Pilate. The crucifixion only happened because after that, Christ was turned over to Herod Antipas who had an innate hatred for him due to his associations with John the Baptist who had previously be executed by Herod when he spoke out against him in public. All of this is very easy to understand, yet no mainstream Christian living today will ever understand it so long as they remain under the weight of the same dogma that has plagued the Catholic Church since it first was formed during the Council of Nicea at the behest of the Roman emperor Constantine. That council had deliberately stripped Jesus Christ of his humanity, refused to write down even his actual original Jewish name, and instead gave him a Greek one that was more in keeping with their own highly skewed and extremely inaccurate understanding of him. They made him into a deity, against all of the wishes that he ever stated in life, and made a mockery of his true teachings. All in the name of power and control over others! Yes, Jesus did indeed regard God as his father... but only in the same way anyone who follows a deity regards it as their heavenly mother or father does. In certain esoteric teachings, it is stated that he had become one with God in the same way that certain Hindu mystics become one with their idea of an equivalent deity. Just like any mystic can likewise become one with their patron deity through the deep practice of meditation, the achieving of spiritual enlightenment, and the even deeper enlightenment of Gnosis (Divine Knowledge... in other words, a true knowledge of divine things that stems from a direct spiritual connection to the source of divinity). For knowing of this, and teaching the truth of it, Gnostics were burned at the stake by the Church for many generations and their scriptures were destroyed or hid away in secret places whenever they could be found. I knew all of this already when I became ordained as a Gnostic high priest/high priestess many years ago, and that is why I was able to be so ordained in a short span of time with only a bit of added study in addition to what I already knew. It is not important to state how I had come by such knowledge before embarking on a deeper study of it... it can be said to be attributable to a form of imparted Divine Knowledge. What matters is that in knowing the truth of Christ's humanity, I have come to appreciate the fact that anyone can become as enlightened as he was, and anyone can learn to work miracles if their heart is pure and their faith is strong. But true faith can never come through hatred, bigotry, narrow-mindedness and the blind following of doctrine or dogma. True faith as Christ knew it and tried to teach it... as I know it and try to teach it similarly... can only be achieved through love, compassion, understanding and open-mindedness. Like that which a child has!
For only through just such a childlike understand of things, can a person truly appreciate the glories of a paradise that is only possible through love and the abandonment of hatred of any sort. Once a person is able to cast hatred away from their hearts, only then can they come into the presence of true divinity! So long as hatred exists in your heart, you will never be worthy of paradise. Both the sort that comes in the hereafter and the sort that we should all be trying to create in this world, in the here and now. I see a lot of people looking forward to Heaven, yet they wonder why it never comes down from the clouds for a divine kingdom to be established on Earth thereby. That is because we must create that kingdom here on Earth in order for it to exist at all! Only then shall we receive it whilst living, and that is very much the truth of what the symbol of it coming down from the heavens means. There are countless symbols, and metaphors used all throughout the Bible, and the truth of them has been lost to time. I know a great many of its' true, lost meanings, and in my writings you will find all of that manifest. As I said, I am not a Christian... yet, I understand and teach the same things that the true Jesus Christ tried to. That makes me a prophet, just as it made him a prophet, and I would not ascribe to myself any higher title. Though just like Christ before me, others have ascribed such things to me over the years. And like him, I never tell anyone what they can or cannot believe. People are blessed if they are content in their beliefs and if those beliefs harm no one! For as my one singular commandment states... “Do as thou wilt, shall be the whole of the law. Do as thou wilt, but only as it harms no one!” Love is that law. Love under will. That will being one's own, as well as Divine Will itself. Within that one commandment, all things goodly are safeguarded, and all things truly wicked are made obvious and evident for the discerning mind to make sense of. One does not need ten commandments, when it is a fact that one will do the work of ten if it is truthful enough... as my one commandment is. These are all the things that those caught up in the grasp of mainstream religions today simply cannot bear to hear! I have been called a heretic and a blasphemer but so was Jesus Christ in his day. I have been called The Devil as well as Antichrist by many, and yet I speak only the truth and lead no one astray from it. Rather, I am attempting to lead those who follow me towards the true paradise that mainstream religions simply cannot conceive of. I teach people to create a heaven in this world, whilst living goodly so that their reward in the hereafter is assured. Such is always the work of all true prophets. And never have I foreseen a thing that did not come to pass! And that too is a test of a true prophet as opposed to a false one. For never do I say that a thing must come to pass... only that it can or that it could. Never that it must or that it will! What must occur, sooner or later, is for the human race to embrace love and cast hatred into the very fires whence all anger and violence stems. The more who come to embrace love, the more it will come to pass that hatred shall be a thing that only exists in the distant past. We are not there yet! We are far from that blissful point in time. And thus, we are far from living within the earthly paradise that can exist should we choose to create it ourselves. Do not wait for heavenly messengers to do the work that a heavenly heart can achieve! Do not wait solely on God whilst leaving good work in an unforeseeable future. For the true God, the Divine Force itself, is within all that exists... and so we each have the power to work its' will upon the world around us. We have only to reach out, and it can be so! Most never realize they can, but anyone can if they choose to. I say this, so that people might realize they can be free. For today, many are in bondage to false faiths and doctrines and dogmas that are based on lies, falsehood, and twisted teachings. And, seeing the plight of those in bondage, I have come to teach how people can become free. That... is the work of a prophet of the true Divine Force, and so that is what I do since that is what I am. Is it not said that a child shall so lead people to paradise? Indeed, it has been taught that such is true. And, I am such a child, despite my body appearing adult to worldly eyes. I can lead through my teachings whosoever chooses to accept and follow them, though no one is bound to by any means save their own desire and wish to. I seek not any converts, but rather free spirits who would follow of their own accord and by their own will to do so. A convert implies coercion to some degree... whilst only by following a thing freely is it thus done rightly.
I seek no slaves, and there are no slaves in a true paradise! Only free spirits can appreciate delight and bliss, and I want people to experience only delight and bliss in any paradise build upon my teachings. It is not a true heaven if even one person is forced under the will of another in it. And by this fact, you are able to recognize a true heaven from a false one! If I am to lead others, I will lead them with truth. Only through truth! And never falsely. I have been through the flames of madness, and when I emerged from the other side of those flames, I beheld the shining light within the darkness that is hidden from many... yet which is hidden only because many do not seek it out. Within that light, I understood what it is that people truly need! And this is why I have committed these things to writing this day. Because people of all sorts have cried out in the world of late, and they believe no one can hear their cries. But I have truly heard them, and this is my answer to their pain... a gift of truth, a blueprint for change, and a promise of hope for a brighter world both in this world and beyond it as well. There was once a little boy who was thrown down a well by his fellow villagers because he was not like them. He was a beautiful boy, but in truth... he behaved differently and acted differently from everyone else in that village he had been sadly born into. So they had said: “Let us cast this child into darkness, and be rid of him! We shall, once it is nightfall, board up the well and his cries shall be stifled to our ears.” and so all through the day he did cry, and his heart was afraid that no one might hear his cries. But the villagers, due to their xenophobia and narrow-mindedness, had made enemies of more progressive tribes. And so it came to pass that one of those tribes decided to invade the village and carry off the villagers in chains so that they might all be punished for their wrongdoings. They invaded just before nightfall, and found the little boy down in the well, his face covered in tears and his body soaked with water. The soldiers who so found him said: “Look! If they punish him this cruelly, it is certain that he must be more like us than he is like them. We shall not put him in chains, therefore... rather, let us right now take him back with us and give him to a loving family where he might be raised henceforth by those who are of a like mind to himself.” And he was shown to the leader of the invading army, who agreed that this would be the best course of action to take. Thus it was, that all of the villagers who had hated the boy came to be punished whilst only he was spared and given a goodly life worth living. He had cried, believing that no one would ever come to save him, and yet something had surely heard his cries because justice was delivered upon that day. For out of everyone in that village, only he had a heart given to love and compassion! The meaning of this parable of mine is obvious, for like that liberating army my teachings can save a soul in need. For in this world today, there are many who are outcasts in need of hope. I too am an outcast! And so it is that I know best what is desirable to an outcast's heart. A single determined spirit, is worth more than all the armies of this world mustered together... and if there could be mustered an army of such determined spirits, there would be nothing that could stand against them. One day, the number of liberated souls in this world shall be a great multitude and in those times people will look back on these darker days and they will wonder that anyone could endure in such bondage as people exist in today. May we live to see such a day! Yet even if it be beyond our present lifetime... we must work towards its' creation, so that it will come to pass. A promise of paradise can only be kept, if people wish to keep it. In order to have a wish like that exist in peoples' hearts, they must be made to see what true freedom is. True freedom is not the lies of capitalism, nor is it the false promises of mainstream organized religion. True freedom is something more precious than wealth and more everlasting than any heaven imaged by existing faiths in the world today. Because it is real, and made possible through love! Let me tell you something about love. Love is not actually much like a rose at all. Roses bloom in one stationary location and you have to watch out for those thorns so you do not get hurt! That is not how love should be. When I was little, we had these flowers in the side garden called Bleeding Hearts and they looked like tiny hearts that had a drop of blood on the bottom of them. The flower is a deep pink, and the “blood drop” part of them is always reddish in color. Over time, these flowers did something I've rarely seen any flowers actually do.
They stopped growing where they were planted, and seemed to disappear for a time and everyone had thought they must have died. But they had not! For when they had at last reappeared, and they did at the last reappear... they were on the other side of the house. Somehow... their roots must have run deep, and enabled them to bloom on the far side of the house from where they were first planted and this showed for all to see that they actually chose to bloom where they wanted to rather than where they were at first placed. And that is actually how real love is! It blooms where it will, not where it is expected to. And if you think it is nonexistent just because you do not see it... just wait and the next time you do see it, then you will know just how powerful and wonderful it is. Just as those flowers I speak of had bloomed even more brilliantly on the opposite side of the house, love sometimes blooms most beautifully wherever it is least expected to. Nothing, to me, could ever so truly symbolize love... and most especially forbidden love... more perfectly than Bleeding Hearts for that reason. They are not as well behaved as roses can be but rather, they are subject always to their own hearts' desires. And so they symbolize for me both deep love as well as passion, and it amazes me that no one has ever noticed this about those flowers before! But that is because people become so bound by tradition sometimes that they can lose sight of the depth of their own imaginations and the wonder that exists in the world all around them. Sometimes, when I do think back on some of the relationships I have had with young girls in the past... it is ironic to think that most often the closer they got to sixteen the more they seemed to me to be more mature and “adult” than I am. I have a young and vibrant spirit, and I do not think it is possible for it to ever fully mature... even as my intelligence increases almost daily as I understand things I could never have hoped to grasp when I was little. I do not know if I will stop seeing any further psychotherapists at all or if I will end up seeing a different one now that things have gone so badly with my current one... but I do know that it will always be that I know myself better than they ever could. And sometimes, I know others in just as certain of a way. Not because I know everything... because I do not!... but because what I do know, I am able to understand deeply and thoroughly. The other night... I had a very vivid dream in which I had sex with a beautiful blonde little girl who was wearing a pair of red harem style pants with a silvery colored long sleeved blouse tucked into it. I have never seen that girl before in my entire life... in the dream, she started out being about ten or eleven years old and then throughout the dream following our moment of intimacy she grew older until she was about fifteen or sixteen but she kept her childlike innocence and I felt happy beyond words with her. This dream showed me what people can be if they wish to! It was not just a sex dream or a fantasy, but a vision of how people can retain their innocence without sacrificing a single bit of their intelligence. So much of what we are taught is normal is because of social constructs, and all of it can be changed if we wish to change it! No one has to be any one specific way just because they are told to be that way. Loss of innocence, is one part taught to us to accept as normal and one part a thing we do to fit in, in society as adults. I was never able to fit in because I never fully lost the aspect of myself that people sacrifice on the altar of maturity. To me, the ideal soulmate would always be any person who... not matter much they might grow up in body... is able to keep everything about them that was delightful about them in childhood, sacrificing nothing simply to grow up. Such was manifested in my dream in the form of that lovely little girl. A person need not lose their sense of innocence simply because they lost their virginity and are now having sex... this is a misconception people have today. In truth, loss of one's sense of innocence is a psychological thing and it does not have to happen at all. I've been with some women who although adult in body and excellent in the arts of love still behave and act like children to a large degree both in their clothing styles and in their behavior and thinking in general. And I actually prefer these women to the sort of adult women that might be considered normal by most. This is not just because I find children attractive, but because I value a certain sense of innocence and I am happy when a woman... when anyone, really... does not throw it away simply because they grew up. To keep about oneself all that was best about them as children is to cultivate one's innocence and purity.
As of this past Wednesday, I will not be going back to see the therapist I have been seeing for such a long time now... we had a major difference of opinion regarding my childlike aspects and she just did not seem to understand that part of me at all. She thought it was something I retreat to in times of stress or worry or pain, or great difficulty and the like... but it is not. It is something that is always a part of me and it simply becomes more obvious and evident when I let it fully show, rather than putting on an adult facade for the sake of others. I explained to her that I am still highly intelligence, as anyone who reads my writings can clearly tell, but that my intelligence is separate from my personality, emotions, and my overall psychological makeup as a person. Just like how my person code of honor, morals and ethics... such as they are... are separate from my spiritual and religious beliefs. In my mind, this all makes sense in the most logical of ways... different sections of my mind are dedicated to separate, different things. In the most orderly of ways that makes sense to me. She acted shocked and surprised that I was unable to work a normal job... when I clearly explained to her and she understood up until now... that I have very severe PTSD coupled with autism, a childlike inner nature that is evident outwardly in my behavior a lot of the time if not most of the time, and severe social anxiety that leads me to avoid the most hectic and nerve-wracking (for me) social situations. She backed away from her promise of helping me to get on disability so I could have money coming in, and she kept on saying I should attempt to get three jobs so that when I inevitably get fired from them then it would prove to the people who grand disability to people that I indeed cannot work on normal job. I explained to her that this is impossible because never in my entire life have I ever been able to make it past the initial job interview without the person doing the hiring telling me that they could not take a chance with having me work for (insert job here). That is the entire reason why I had to resort to becoming a prostitute during that span of my life when I did that for a living... no regular job would hire me. Likewise, I had to explain to her all over again that I cannot drive because I have a severe nervous condition where my hands begin to shake violently if I get behind the wheel of a vehicle. I was flat out told by the driving instructor I was assigned back when I was a lot younger and actually attempted to get my driver's license and learn how to drive... that I would never be able to drive and after they put me through a driving simulator that I utterly failed at (it was a disaster), they told me that I simply was too messed up with my nerves to be safe behind the wheel. It was not at all simply this repetition of previously discussed things, nor simply her inability to comprehend the deal with my childlike aspects... she argued that those same childlike aspects were a form of dissociation. It was totally untrue given that I have a very clear grasp of reality... I simply view it from the perspective of someone who is childlike. Now being childlike is totally different from being childish about things. I am not childish about things! And I suspect this therapist did not realize there is a difference. Because I never act childishly, she did not understand why it is that I am childlike. I put it to her bluntly. I said to her, and I quote exactly: “Sometimes, I simply cannot do adult things... and there are many adult things I simply cannot ever do at all.” When I told her that I was happy that my partner Zoey is taking care of me both financially and as someone who loves me, and whom I love with all my heart... she said that in her mind that makes me too dependent on someone else. But how else is a child (in an adult's body... in my case) supposed to live? A child is always going to need to be dependent on the adults in their life. In my life, Zoey is not just my partner but also my guardian, my protector, and my parental figure as well. We love each other in many unique and different ways. If a therapist cannot tell the difference between love and dependence then that is a poor therapist indeed! If a therapist cannot fathom the mind of a very young child, even if they look like an adult in body... then they are a poor therapist in the extreme. I will not be going back to see that therapist ever again. So that was the biggest thing that happened to me this past week. I have been absent from writing these journal-like writings of mine for a while now, though I felt it was time to express myself in this way today, given just how much I have had on my mind of late.
I was sick with step throat from the beginning of September up until just before Halloween, and then I got sick with a second throat issue... this time a sore throat that turned into a bad cold... for the whole first week of this month, November. My immune system leaves much to be desired thanks to the awful fact that it appears I am suffering from Lupus disease as evidenced by the red butterfly shaped rash that I get both before and after getting sick each and every time, with the rash covering my nose and cheeks. The rash is part of what is called a flareup, and when that happens my immune system is at its' weakest and that either means I am about to get sick with something or that I just got over being sick. Lupus is a very odd disease too, there is no cure for it and the medicines they proscribe for it are worse than all the symptoms of the disease itself. No one knows what causes Lupus either! But it is more prevalent, from all I have understood of it, with women than with men. Further proof of my intersex condition. As if it was that anyone needed further proof of it with me! But I digress. Lupus flareups can also be triggered by allergies, environmental pollutants, and other things... so it isn't always a sign that I am going to be getting sick or that I am getting over being sick. The rash and other symptoms can occur due to several other causes. Some people can live full lives with Lupus... some can die from it should the disease at some point affect their kidneys. I take things day by day, and I do not dwell on the future too much. Nor on the worst aspects of Lupus disease. It is what it is, and if all goes well I will live a full life regardless of this! I think the most awful part of being sick the past two times with my throat is that both times I lost my voice and had to go to the doctor to get medicine to recover. Since my immune system was not able to fight off the sickness both times. I had to take a steroid for the swelling in my throat and other pills for everything else that came from the strep throat and the sore throat I got after I was over that. In the end, I recovered... my voice came back fully... and I got healthy again. But it is worse than when I was younger and did not lose my voice when I got things like that and could recover without having to see a doctor at all. It proves that indeed my immune system is not as good as it used to be. For most of my life, I only ever got sick once a year near the end of the year (just like this year) but it was only ever things like a stomach flu that were easy to get over. This was the first year where I actually had to see a doctor because I could not get over something I caught. Zoey tells me always not to dwell on it though. I have to live day by day, and live each day as if it was all I might ever have. Being something of more than a bit of a hedonist... that is how I have always lived my life anyway. This simply gives me a reason to rationalize it a bit more. I explained to the therapist about the fact that I share a lot of my life online, and that online I have a large circle of friends and loved ones... who give me all the support I need. She then once again told me that she did not think I needed to keep coming back in for further sessions with her. She asked me if I meditate, if I perform Wiccan rituals to know myself better as a person. I told her that I have done all of that plus Yoga too back when I was younger. And that I still meditate and do the Wiccan rituals to this very day. “Well, then it seems to me like you've been helping yourself just fine!” she told me, and made it clear that she was running out of things to suggest to me. I have said it before, and I shall state it again... I know myself better than most people do who got in for psychotherapy. Is it not so much that I am a pinnacle of sanity... far from it, actually! It is rather, that I understand myself so completely, and have done a great deal of personal healing without the aid of a therapist... that there is a lot that is unnecessary for any therapist to do in regards to me. But we disagree now on too many things and the sessions have become too difficult for me with her failure to understand me at all. I told her the reason I had to cancel the past several sessions was that I had gotten sick and could not come in for any of them. That is true! But I suspected she did not believe me. Now, I will be canceling any further such sessions not because of being sick... since I am quite healthy once again for the time being... but, rather, because she is starting to do me more psychological harm than good due to all the reasons I mentioned. And others I would not care to mention at all. She has shown me less and less empathy and far less in the way of understanding each time... this past sessions felt ice cold to me. I do not need such coldness!
Someone made a comment to me recently that a lot of my writings have become very dark anymore... but that is because in between being on a kick of writing horror stories since it has been that time of the year again for such stories, I have been thinking a lot about some of the darker moments from my past and trying to come to terms with a lot of things about myself. It is not that I am becoming darker at all as a person... I am no darker right now than I have ever been over all the years of my life thus far. It is simply that the darkness in me is fully balance alongside the light, and I do not see any point in trying to downplay it or deny that it exists. But neither do I celebrate it! I acknowledge it, and I give it its' due. In the exact same way that I do with the light. That is, rather, a celebration of balance. To deny the dark is to deny a large source of a person's passions and creativity. A life lived only in the light is a life lives in the service to strict order with little room for deviation or creative expression. I prefer to give free reign to my creativity, free license to self-expression, and yet to do so within an order that makes sense to me. As I have said countless times... when order becomes too restrictive then it is time to add just a touch of chaos to liven things up. But within just enough order so as to prevent anarchy from being the order of the day. I write, even in my fictions, what is in full accord with my personal philosophies and at times a lot that is based on personal experiences and memories, and thoughts and feelings. Writing can be, if it is that a person writes as intimately as I do, a form of therapy in and of itself. When the therapist asked if I write my feelings down, I explained to her that I do in every imaginable way. Once again, I thought of something first that left the therapist feeling somewhat useless given she could not advise me to do a thing that I have already done or am in the process of doing. Speaking of intimate truths... I tried to tell someone recently about my social and political views, and it was difficult to put into words. During my childhood and growing up, such as it was... my grandmother was very vocal about having certain views that, as she put it to me once: “One could call communist, if they wanted to see it that way.” She was a very zealously religious woman, which is why we butted heads so much and sometimes fought a lot. But she believed in all the aspects of communism except for the parts pertaining to atheism. She was a very smart woman to be able to separate the social aspects of that philosophy from the religious ones. Or rather, from the anti-religious ones, more properly. It showed me that a person could incorporate a lot of the less restricting aspects of communism without losing the essence of it. But she could not seem to further separate what does not work in communism from what could work. It was a lot to digest for me, philosophically, when I was growing up and further I had a global perspectives teacher when I was in high school who was a staunch Marxist though not a communist exactly. Though he was very fond of showing us students video documentaries about Cuba, the Soviet Union, and other countries that were under communist rule. It gave me a great understanding about why the communist system failed in all of those countries and why if one is to incorporate Marxist elements into their philosophies in life then it needs to be done with care, intelligence, and a mind geared towards tossing out what had failed each time before in favor of what works or what could work if it was further combined with complementary philosophies. I tell everyone I meet that I am liberal first and foremost... which I totally am. And then I explain that I tend to lean strongly towards the left, politically, in recent years far more than I ever did in the past. I have seen the awful destructiveness of right wing extremism in society, and it quite frankly makes me sick to see the evils committed by such individuals. Their intolerance, their lack of any sort of decent human understand towards others, and their prejudices and hatred towards people who are not like them and pretty much anybody who is different. I have no use for individuals who value arrogant bigotry over human decency and the right of each and every person to live life as they see fit to. If you have read my previous writings thus far, you will know how it is that I have incorporated things such as Marxism and socialism into my writings in combination with my spiritual views so as to create in them a workable system that if the world followed... would lead humanity towards a brighter future for all. I took the best that was inherent in those things, tossed out all that failed before, and created a new thing.
Someone once said: “I like Jesus Christ's kind of communism.” and that is a fair point. If we all loved one another and saw to each other's needs, and cared for those who need to be cared for, tossing nobody aside in the process... if we valued human life instead of valuing money... and if we lived in a society of a sort where all have what they need and no one lacks for anything that is needed, then I daresay that is the very definition of a true utopia. I have mentioned before various methods for being able to keep the idea of private property whilst still doing away with money and creating a system based on equality for all and with no rich lording it over the poor, with no one being crushed under the wheels of a capitalist system that is constantly on the verge of collapse. I have stated the ways that such a system could truly revolutionize society in ways that no society has seen before in all of human history! And I am well and fully aware that no capitalist society on the planet would ever allow such a thing to come into being. It is a sad truth that the world is in the grip of greed more than reason. Greedy politicians and rulers who lord it over the masses whilst robbing people of human dignity. Do you have any idea how many people are made poor just so that the wealthiest of the western elite can continue to live lives of luxury? Truth! And the depths of the evils of this can boggle the mind. Did not Jesus once say something to the effect of: “You cannot value God and money.” along with something like: “A man cannot serve two masters.” Now, I am not a Christian but I see enough truth in what Christ taught... to know that what passes today for Christianity is a greedy, bigoted, self-righteous perversion of everything Christ ever stood for. They call people like me who are Pagan (as well as Gnostic since I am just as Gnostic as I am Pagan) heretics but if you really study deeply and learn what it is they have tried to erase and hide... then it becomes all too obvious that they are the true heretics, having become apostate from everything Christ truly taught. The moment they judge others and act with prejudice towards them... they have become apostate! And yet, such apostasy has become the norm among Christians the world over. The cruel treatment that so very many supposed Christians visit daily upon people like me and other members of the LGBTQIA+ community is atrocious to say the least! They would see us wiped from the face of this world if they had it their way, the sort of Christians I am talking about. And what is that if not hatred? And hatred is not was Christ truly taught! How can they be said to be loving their neighbor if they look at others with hatred of any kind? This is what is inherently evil in mainstream religion, and what has become evident in modern times thanks to information become more easily obtainable than at any other point in human history. In medieval times, it was easy for the Church to fool the masses, to make them believe all the lies they taught and that every evil they visited on others was for the good of their souls. Because all of the peasantry of those times was kept ignorant of the truth, and the Church used wealth and power to crush all opposition to their authority. Today, all the wealth and power they once possessed is worthless compared to the true power of the truth that comes from the study of information! Once a person has become truly enlightened... the falsehood of corrupt doctrines and dogmas become all too obvious and impossible to ignore. One has only to look online for the truth, and you will find hundreds of websites where the truths that once were hidden are shared freely with anyone who cares to have a look. On here, on this very site on which I post these works of mine, you are receiving the truth. That is true power! In an age of information, knowledge is power. And the more knowledge that is shared with people, the far more powerful the people can become. That is what mainstream religions fear, that is what every evil, wicked, corrupt, greedy politician and ruler fears! That is why in some countries the state controls the media... because they fear to have people learning the truth. Knowledge is power, and those in power at the moment long for the days when they could keep their subjects ignorant and subservient to their will. Such days will thankfully never come again! The greatest tool of the true revolutionary today, is in fact knowledge itself. Knowledge can empower the people and even destabilize tyrannical governments. It is both intimately person and yet massively public for all to see. That is why I share all my knowledge freely, and no longer keep silent when it comes to my views. Knowledge shared, is always power given!
And this is all relevant in that it is proof that a childlike individual can still be highly intellectual and deeply philosophical, and able to discern truth from falsehood and what is just from what is unjust. One of the few things the therapist said about me that I actually agree with is that I do not easily fit into any single category, since I tend to be beyond simple categorization in pretty much all respects. I do not set out in life trying to be what others would have me to be... I simply am myself, and those who can do so will understand me. I never worry or concern myself with those who cannot or who will not at least try to, since obviously they are not meant to. Thanksgiving was hectic, since mostly everyone in the whole of Zoey's family was over the house for the big dinner. I felt awkward around the children, one is a girl who is around fourteen years old or thereabout and the other is another girl who is a good deal younger than that. They have a brother as well who is about the same age as the younger girl is. I felt awkward for two reasons... firstly, because I mentally regard myself as pretty much in the same age range as the younger sister. Secondly, and most awkwardly, because I find myself highly attracted to the younger girl and somewhat attracted to her older sister. I have stated before that I am a person who is attracted very strongly towards minors, though I do have a fondness for some adult women as well... especially those who are childlike in looks and in behavior. I believe it is because of the fact that I am childlike so very strongly in my mind that it boils down to me being attracted to other people who are around my mental age. This has nothing whatsoever to do with my intelligence! It has everything to do with a child in an adult body being attracted to other children who are still very much in children's bodies. Society says it is wrong and terrible, and just plain horrible for an adult to be attracted to a child! But when that adult is not mentally fully an adult... in my book that is a huge gray area that the law never considers but that I honestly believe should be taken into account. A person as it is cannot help what they are attracted to, as that is a primal urge that is a part of the person on an equally primal level. But someone like me who is childlike... is even more so unable to help such a thing. Quite frankly, I shall always maintain that it should be fully legal for an adult to be with a child romantically if the child consents to it. And yes! A lot of children and very mature for their age and fully capable to granting such consent. But in any case I would not pursue anything with these children since they are part of the family and their father would definitely kill me. Yet, the younger sister is remarkably beautiful and the older sister is becoming rather a sexy looking young lady as she is getting older. As well, the older sister is socially awkward just like I am... and just like me when I was her age she is highly introverted except when around friends and also at times around family. I cannot even hug them out of fear that I might do in a manner that is more akin to how you might hug a girl you are dating or romantically interested in. And there is, of course, a huge difference in that kind of hug... as opposed to the kind a father would give his kids. So, I kept staring at the two of them, and a couple of times the older sister looked gazes with me and I thought: “If I keep on staring into her eyes like this, this intensely... she's totally going to know that I think she's sexy, and that would be very awkward.” Mostly because her father and mother were right there! I mean, she is around fourteen now, so she knows I would think if a person was looking at her in that sort of a way. The way a person looks at someone they desire, strongly, in a sexual capacity. Sometimes, it almost feels like there is a tiny bit of tension between her and I, but that could be my desire for her speaking... but in any case, it made it awkward indeed for she and I both it seemed. Their father is a bastard! He is always quick to yell and scream at the children, and at one point he and his wife even said they wish they could simply abandon the children in one of the local corn fields to get ride of them. He joked that he'd just tell them to survive as best they could, and that he'd abandon them without a second thought if he could. I hated him for being that way! He doesn't deserve to have such beautiful daughters who he is so cruel. And he was not joking, either... his wife teased that for all she cared the kids could go off and become like the children in “Children of the Corn” by Stephen King. And I had a brief fantasy play through my head in which I and the children were together in a corn field sacrificing their horrible parents to eldritch gods.
We live in a society where cruel, or abusive (and sometimes both), parents get to have custody of truly lovely children whom they treat poorly if not downright wickedly... whilst me, I would put the girls on a pedestal and ensure they wanted for nothing in life. Not just because I find the two sisters so attractive... but because they deserve to just be happy and not to have a childhood filled with bad memories to look back on. I know, because I had a childhood filled with me being abused, tortured, tormented, and made to truly suffer in countless unimaginable ways both when I was at home and in school. If the laws were different and the two sisters were not the children of such odious parents... I should very much pursue a romantic relationship with whichever of the two girls who would have me. And I would treat her like a queen, if not like a little goddess! Because that is far preferable to the mistreatment they suffer now. I had a mother who actually did abandon me once at the mall in one of the neighboring cities (one of the bad ones cities too), and I ended up having to call home to have my grandfather come pick me up and take me home. My female cousin Carey pulled the same thing on me once... she took me out to a mall, this time a different one in a more rural area... along with her boyfriend Tim who was at the time one of my best friends. She promised to set me up with a girl that was a friend of hers who would be waiting for us at the mall. Instead, her and time went off to do drugs and because I do not take drugs I refused to come with them and was forced to call my grandfather to once again come pick me up so I could have a way of actually getting home. I've been abandoned by family members many, many times over the years and I know how horrible and traumatizing a thing that truly is. I wanted to smack this man for saying a thing like that even if he had meant it jokingly because that is not a very funny kind of joke! It is a sick joke, and told by a man who is fast becoming the very opposite of the sort of father he always said he wanted to become. Sometimes, the wrong people have children! And he is definitely wrong, on a vast number of counts. Yet, society would say I am the wicked one and that is why the law is wrong and also quite stupid... as things stand, in the world today. They act like people who are attracted to children are in fact criminals... whilst some of us actually would treat a child decently as a romantic partner... whilst their parents sometimes cannot even seem to be able to treat them decently as their own offspring. That is a pretty sad irony! And one that is in and of itself rather something of a joke. More and more I do find myself disgusted with society today... and wishing that there could be a revolution capable of remaking things after a far more tolerable image. A society wherein the principals that I have laid down are very much followed to the letter, and in which everyone would be free to live their lives as they see fit with no interference from those who do not understand. A society wherein the LGBTQIA+ community needs no longer to be afraid, and where minor attracted individuals who are not violent would be free to at the last be able to be with any consenting child that they might strike up an agreeable relationship with. A society with no rich pricks lording it over those they view as being beneath them, a society wherein all people are cared for and no one is left behind or crushed under the boot of others. Yet, they will tell you people such as myself are wicked and horrible individuals! Love is not wicked, nor is it horrible. And it is a fact that no person can fully govern their hearts and minds in matters pertaining to love. You cannot grand rights only to whom it pleases you to grant them to... rights need to be universal, in order to truly be fair and just for all. Even Jesus Christ was said to have found young boys attractive, and there is one Gnostic scripture in which Christ was seen kissing a young boy on the mouth. Naturally... this scripture was labeled a heresy by the Church and they attempted to destroy every copy of it in existence. Yet, it along with all of the Gnostic scriptures survived the Church's purges and to this day it can be read by all who might have a desire to seek it out. This is proof that Jesus Christ was actually a person who felt an attraction towards people who would today be considered minors. Back then it was merely looked on as being somewhat scandalous by the “proper” Roman standards of that era, but it was not illegal nor was it unheard of. But in their efforts to turn Jesus Christ into a sexless deity under the Church's control, the powers that be decided to bury his relationship with both Mary Magdalene and that young boy as well.
If you noticed, I did not capitalize the word “his” in relation to Christ just now. That is well because I fully and rightly honor Christ's humanity just as he would so wish for all peoples to. I simply refuse to ascribe divinity to any man who did not wish to have any titles of divinity forced upon him. He stated that anyone could be like him and that anyone could do as he did, and he always encouraged people to. In Islam he is stated to have been a great prophet but never to be equated with or made equal to God by any means. He was a spiritual teacher, and a social and political revolutionary. He was not a god! Nor was he one with God, and even if he actually was the son of the Biblical God... he did not wish to be at all associated with such when he became an adult. Remember! When he asked his disciples who they thought him to be, and they said all manner of divine things including him being a messiah... he said only that they were blessed no matter what they believed, being careful never to fully flat out say that he agreed with them about those views. He let people believe about him whatsoever they wished because he knew that people are going to believe what they want no matter what you do. Just like when it was that he was brought before the Roman authorities... Pilate asked him very clearly about people calling him a king, and he explained to the man that he meant that he was a king of a kingdom not this world, and that this was the truth he had come to testify. But Christ had meant all of that philosophically! For all spiritual teachers and philosophers can be said to be kings of a kingdom not of this world. That is a simply matter to understand, and Pilate clearly understood it well enough that he declared Jesus Christ to be innocent of blasphemy. Now, if Christ has actually believed himself to be a god, then never would he have been declared innocent by Pilate. The crucifixion only happened because after that, Christ was turned over to Herod Antipas who had an innate hatred for him due to his associations with John the Baptist who had previously be executed by Herod when he spoke out against him in public. All of this is very easy to understand, yet no mainstream Christian living today will ever understand it so long as they remain under the weight of the same dogma that has plagued the Catholic Church since it first was formed during the Council of Nicea at the behest of the Roman emperor Constantine. That council had deliberately stripped Jesus Christ of his humanity, refused to write down even his actual original Jewish name, and instead gave him a Greek one that was more in keeping with their own highly skewed and extremely inaccurate understanding of him. They made him into a deity, against all of the wishes that he ever stated in life, and made a mockery of his true teachings. All in the name of power and control over others! Yes, Jesus did indeed regard God as his father... but only in the same way anyone who follows a deity regards it as their heavenly mother or father does. In certain esoteric teachings, it is stated that he had become one with God in the same way that certain Hindu mystics become one with their idea of an equivalent deity. Just like any mystic can likewise become one with their patron deity through the deep practice of meditation, the achieving of spiritual enlightenment, and the even deeper enlightenment of Gnosis (Divine Knowledge... in other words, a true knowledge of divine things that stems from a direct spiritual connection to the source of divinity). For knowing of this, and teaching the truth of it, Gnostics were burned at the stake by the Church for many generations and their scriptures were destroyed or hid away in secret places whenever they could be found. I knew all of this already when I became ordained as a Gnostic high priest/high priestess many years ago, and that is why I was able to be so ordained in a short span of time with only a bit of added study in addition to what I already knew. It is not important to state how I had come by such knowledge before embarking on a deeper study of it... it can be said to be attributable to a form of imparted Divine Knowledge. What matters is that in knowing the truth of Christ's humanity, I have come to appreciate the fact that anyone can become as enlightened as he was, and anyone can learn to work miracles if their heart is pure and their faith is strong. But true faith can never come through hatred, bigotry, narrow-mindedness and the blind following of doctrine or dogma. True faith as Christ knew it and tried to teach it... as I know it and try to teach it similarly... can only be achieved through love, compassion, understanding and open-mindedness. Like that which a child has!
For only through just such a childlike understand of things, can a person truly appreciate the glories of a paradise that is only possible through love and the abandonment of hatred of any sort. Once a person is able to cast hatred away from their hearts, only then can they come into the presence of true divinity! So long as hatred exists in your heart, you will never be worthy of paradise. Both the sort that comes in the hereafter and the sort that we should all be trying to create in this world, in the here and now. I see a lot of people looking forward to Heaven, yet they wonder why it never comes down from the clouds for a divine kingdom to be established on Earth thereby. That is because we must create that kingdom here on Earth in order for it to exist at all! Only then shall we receive it whilst living, and that is very much the truth of what the symbol of it coming down from the heavens means. There are countless symbols, and metaphors used all throughout the Bible, and the truth of them has been lost to time. I know a great many of its' true, lost meanings, and in my writings you will find all of that manifest. As I said, I am not a Christian... yet, I understand and teach the same things that the true Jesus Christ tried to. That makes me a prophet, just as it made him a prophet, and I would not ascribe to myself any higher title. Though just like Christ before me, others have ascribed such things to me over the years. And like him, I never tell anyone what they can or cannot believe. People are blessed if they are content in their beliefs and if those beliefs harm no one! For as my one singular commandment states... “Do as thou wilt, shall be the whole of the law. Do as thou wilt, but only as it harms no one!” Love is that law. Love under will. That will being one's own, as well as Divine Will itself. Within that one commandment, all things goodly are safeguarded, and all things truly wicked are made obvious and evident for the discerning mind to make sense of. One does not need ten commandments, when it is a fact that one will do the work of ten if it is truthful enough... as my one commandment is. These are all the things that those caught up in the grasp of mainstream religions today simply cannot bear to hear! I have been called a heretic and a blasphemer but so was Jesus Christ in his day. I have been called The Devil as well as Antichrist by many, and yet I speak only the truth and lead no one astray from it. Rather, I am attempting to lead those who follow me towards the true paradise that mainstream religions simply cannot conceive of. I teach people to create a heaven in this world, whilst living goodly so that their reward in the hereafter is assured. Such is always the work of all true prophets. And never have I foreseen a thing that did not come to pass! And that too is a test of a true prophet as opposed to a false one. For never do I say that a thing must come to pass... only that it can or that it could. Never that it must or that it will! What must occur, sooner or later, is for the human race to embrace love and cast hatred into the very fires whence all anger and violence stems. The more who come to embrace love, the more it will come to pass that hatred shall be a thing that only exists in the distant past. We are not there yet! We are far from that blissful point in time. And thus, we are far from living within the earthly paradise that can exist should we choose to create it ourselves. Do not wait for heavenly messengers to do the work that a heavenly heart can achieve! Do not wait solely on God whilst leaving good work in an unforeseeable future. For the true God, the Divine Force itself, is within all that exists... and so we each have the power to work its' will upon the world around us. We have only to reach out, and it can be so! Most never realize they can, but anyone can if they choose to. I say this, so that people might realize they can be free. For today, many are in bondage to false faiths and doctrines and dogmas that are based on lies, falsehood, and twisted teachings. And, seeing the plight of those in bondage, I have come to teach how people can become free. That... is the work of a prophet of the true Divine Force, and so that is what I do since that is what I am. Is it not said that a child shall so lead people to paradise? Indeed, it has been taught that such is true. And, I am such a child, despite my body appearing adult to worldly eyes. I can lead through my teachings whosoever chooses to accept and follow them, though no one is bound to by any means save their own desire and wish to. I seek not any converts, but rather free spirits who would follow of their own accord and by their own will to do so. A convert implies coercion to some degree... whilst only by following a thing freely is it thus done rightly.
I seek no slaves, and there are no slaves in a true paradise! Only free spirits can appreciate delight and bliss, and I want people to experience only delight and bliss in any paradise build upon my teachings. It is not a true heaven if even one person is forced under the will of another in it. And by this fact, you are able to recognize a true heaven from a false one! If I am to lead others, I will lead them with truth. Only through truth! And never falsely. I have been through the flames of madness, and when I emerged from the other side of those flames, I beheld the shining light within the darkness that is hidden from many... yet which is hidden only because many do not seek it out. Within that light, I understood what it is that people truly need! And this is why I have committed these things to writing this day. Because people of all sorts have cried out in the world of late, and they believe no one can hear their cries. But I have truly heard them, and this is my answer to their pain... a gift of truth, a blueprint for change, and a promise of hope for a brighter world both in this world and beyond it as well. There was once a little boy who was thrown down a well by his fellow villagers because he was not like them. He was a beautiful boy, but in truth... he behaved differently and acted differently from everyone else in that village he had been sadly born into. So they had said: “Let us cast this child into darkness, and be rid of him! We shall, once it is nightfall, board up the well and his cries shall be stifled to our ears.” and so all through the day he did cry, and his heart was afraid that no one might hear his cries. But the villagers, due to their xenophobia and narrow-mindedness, had made enemies of more progressive tribes. And so it came to pass that one of those tribes decided to invade the village and carry off the villagers in chains so that they might all be punished for their wrongdoings. They invaded just before nightfall, and found the little boy down in the well, his face covered in tears and his body soaked with water. The soldiers who so found him said: “Look! If they punish him this cruelly, it is certain that he must be more like us than he is like them. We shall not put him in chains, therefore... rather, let us right now take him back with us and give him to a loving family where he might be raised henceforth by those who are of a like mind to himself.” And he was shown to the leader of the invading army, who agreed that this would be the best course of action to take. Thus it was, that all of the villagers who had hated the boy came to be punished whilst only he was spared and given a goodly life worth living. He had cried, believing that no one would ever come to save him, and yet something had surely heard his cries because justice was delivered upon that day. For out of everyone in that village, only he had a heart given to love and compassion! The meaning of this parable of mine is obvious, for like that liberating army my teachings can save a soul in need. For in this world today, there are many who are outcasts in need of hope. I too am an outcast! And so it is that I know best what is desirable to an outcast's heart. A single determined spirit, is worth more than all the armies of this world mustered together... and if there could be mustered an army of such determined spirits, there would be nothing that could stand against them. One day, the number of liberated souls in this world shall be a great multitude and in those times people will look back on these darker days and they will wonder that anyone could endure in such bondage as people exist in today. May we live to see such a day! Yet even if it be beyond our present lifetime... we must work towards its' creation, so that it will come to pass. A promise of paradise can only be kept, if people wish to keep it. In order to have a wish like that exist in peoples' hearts, they must be made to see what true freedom is. True freedom is not the lies of capitalism, nor is it the false promises of mainstream organized religion. True freedom is something more precious than wealth and more everlasting than any heaven imaged by existing faiths in the world today. Because it is real, and made possible through love! Let me tell you something about love. Love is not actually much like a rose at all. Roses bloom in one stationary location and you have to watch out for those thorns so you do not get hurt! That is not how love should be. When I was little, we had these flowers in the side garden called Bleeding Hearts and they looked like tiny hearts that had a drop of blood on the bottom of them. The flower is a deep pink, and the “blood drop” part of them is always reddish in color. Over time, these flowers did something I've rarely seen any flowers actually do.
They stopped growing where they were planted, and seemed to disappear for a time and everyone had thought they must have died. But they had not! For when they had at last reappeared, and they did at the last reappear... they were on the other side of the house. Somehow... their roots must have run deep, and enabled them to bloom on the far side of the house from where they were first planted and this showed for all to see that they actually chose to bloom where they wanted to rather than where they were at first placed. And that is actually how real love is! It blooms where it will, not where it is expected to. And if you think it is nonexistent just because you do not see it... just wait and the next time you do see it, then you will know just how powerful and wonderful it is. Just as those flowers I speak of had bloomed even more brilliantly on the opposite side of the house, love sometimes blooms most beautifully wherever it is least expected to. Nothing, to me, could ever so truly symbolize love... and most especially forbidden love... more perfectly than Bleeding Hearts for that reason. They are not as well behaved as roses can be but rather, they are subject always to their own hearts' desires. And so they symbolize for me both deep love as well as passion, and it amazes me that no one has ever noticed this about those flowers before! But that is because people become so bound by tradition sometimes that they can lose sight of the depth of their own imaginations and the wonder that exists in the world all around them. Sometimes, when I do think back on some of the relationships I have had with young girls in the past... it is ironic to think that most often the closer they got to sixteen the more they seemed to me to be more mature and “adult” than I am. I have a young and vibrant spirit, and I do not think it is possible for it to ever fully mature... even as my intelligence increases almost daily as I understand things I could never have hoped to grasp when I was little. I do not know if I will stop seeing any further psychotherapists at all or if I will end up seeing a different one now that things have gone so badly with my current one... but I do know that it will always be that I know myself better than they ever could. And sometimes, I know others in just as certain of a way. Not because I know everything... because I do not!... but because what I do know, I am able to understand deeply and thoroughly. The other night... I had a very vivid dream in which I had sex with a beautiful blonde little girl who was wearing a pair of red harem style pants with a silvery colored long sleeved blouse tucked into it. I have never seen that girl before in my entire life... in the dream, she started out being about ten or eleven years old and then throughout the dream following our moment of intimacy she grew older until she was about fifteen or sixteen but she kept her childlike innocence and I felt happy beyond words with her. This dream showed me what people can be if they wish to! It was not just a sex dream or a fantasy, but a vision of how people can retain their innocence without sacrificing a single bit of their intelligence. So much of what we are taught is normal is because of social constructs, and all of it can be changed if we wish to change it! No one has to be any one specific way just because they are told to be that way. Loss of innocence, is one part taught to us to accept as normal and one part a thing we do to fit in, in society as adults. I was never able to fit in because I never fully lost the aspect of myself that people sacrifice on the altar of maturity. To me, the ideal soulmate would always be any person who... not matter much they might grow up in body... is able to keep everything about them that was delightful about them in childhood, sacrificing nothing simply to grow up. Such was manifested in my dream in the form of that lovely little girl. A person need not lose their sense of innocence simply because they lost their virginity and are now having sex... this is a misconception people have today. In truth, loss of one's sense of innocence is a psychological thing and it does not have to happen at all. I've been with some women who although adult in body and excellent in the arts of love still behave and act like children to a large degree both in their clothing styles and in their behavior and thinking in general. And I actually prefer these women to the sort of adult women that might be considered normal by most. This is not just because I find children attractive, but because I value a certain sense of innocence and I am happy when a woman... when anyone, really... does not throw it away simply because they grew up. To keep about oneself all that was best about them as children is to cultivate one's innocence and purity.
Published 25th Nov 2023
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