Today I took 9 Valium

Today I took 9 Valium after fighting with my boyfriend. If I had to guess he'd be boyfriend number 74ish since age 14. But who keeps count. There's really no point to this post other than to be brutally honest with myself and a bunch of strangers. I loathe my life even though I desire to be happy. Humans disgust me, myself particularly, and no matter how many personal flaws I tackle more always seem to surface and i'm fucking drowning in my thoughts and all these toxins I keep ingesting. I had an art, a skill, as an amazing photographer who created art in a surreal way that gave onlookers a new lease on life and that's all I have at the end of the day. Not once in my entire existance have I ever felt so genuinely connected to another human being friend or otherwise that I ever didn't feel alone. Not cliche' alone but alone the way you would feel as if you were an endangered species and the rest of the world were hunting your kind down for blood sport. I can't change. I have tried. And in the same breath refused to try all at once. There's no point to my banter, all the point is behind the pain of being so self aware that I wonder how any human can live with themselves. We are disgusting. We are a parasite destroying the only thing that truly deserves life, the earth we live on. And we are the ego maniacs of our time, destroying not only the world we live on but the people around us and ourselves. How can any of us wake up and honestly feel we have the right to exist without lying to ourselves just a little? Or otherwise being fully dillusional. I went to the lake today, I layed in the brightest spot in the cold cold water where the sun beamed down. The sharp rocks cut deep into my knees leaving cuts and causing me to bleed and not even that sunlight beaming onto my face could change the reality of the slimy sharp rocks digging into my soft skin and causing me discomfort. The wind blew my hair across my face like some movie scene and I smiled for a moment before that moment was quickly surpassed by the chills than ran up my spine when I realized the holes in my knees were the most real thing i'd felt in years and the marks they left were proof that they were there; nothing that anyone could argue with. TRUTH. Something many people pass off as oppinion or perspective. But to someone like me, truth is everything. And that is why I can't justify getting out of bed somedays. Because I know the truth about the world and the pointlessness of the redundant tasks we carry out daily because it's all pre programmed...i'm just a broken woman, a short circuit, a missing key element for a human body that I must not possess but atleast I can say no matter how many screws I may have loose...I will always have HEART. And that is something they will NEVER take from me.