deepundergroundpoetry.com
Till death when they parted
you could tell the place was old
by the nicotine stains that showed through the light blue paint work
and the funky smell that all the detergent in the world
couldn't quite hide
I scanned the room to get an idea
of how long i'd be stuck in that death trap
see who the competition was
for the few doctors working the night shift
reckoned it was the baby girl breathing through a tiny oxygen tube
taped fast under her nostrils, but even if I was called before she was
I'd have given way in an act
I barely noticed the aged man slumped on a chair
trying his best to stay invisible
because he knew there was no hope of him leaving
and was just hanging on for a collar
to claim his soul
I was fascinated and tried to work out
whether he was really brave or hopelessly alone
before I could make up my mind
I saw him suck in his last breath,and when he exhaled,I could swear
There was the makings of a faint smile spreading across his lips
I watched a young man
step out of the aged body slumped on the chair
took a good look around the room
and I saw a beautiful woman dressed in an emerald green ballroom gown
beckon his hand
they danced to the background music playing on the old wooden speakers
nailed to the wall
I saw them stall in front of the baby girl and all three smiled
and all three left
I wanted to hug the baby's mother whisper to her not to cry
tell her why the tears dropping from my eyes
had no taste of sadness
when they entered my mouth
I probably should have and probably would have
if I had thought the woman
was in any fit state
to hear the ramblings of a changed man
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likes 21
reading list entries 6
comments 33
reads 1458
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
descriptive
Anonymous
22nd Apr 2012 8:41pm
It truly is-I know what this is and you have written it in an amazing way-wow..great write and incredible read. thank's Peace
1
re: descriptive
23rd Apr 2012 5:44am
Michelle.
thanks, It's really a kind of flash fiction poem type thing I wrote for a comp.
good to see you here and throwing down your thoughts .
thanks, It's really a kind of flash fiction poem type thing I wrote for a comp.
good to see you here and throwing down your thoughts .
re: ...
22nd Apr 2012 11:44pm
Wow it's not a poem to me. But it's really freaking good. You're reminding me of hemi more and more. Rock on green boy :)
1
re: ...
ah GG me old flower.
yep you caught me, I am hemi. Had to close my Hemi profile because of all the naked pictures being pm'd every day (your's were fantastical btw) now i am kind of getting inundated again so i may move on to another profile soon.
thanks for the comment M'dear
yep you caught me, I am hemi. Had to close my Hemi profile because of all the naked pictures being pm'd every day (your's were fantastical btw) now i am kind of getting inundated again so i may move on to another profile soon.
thanks for the comment M'dear
re: ...
23rd Apr 2012 11:28am
Comment
Anonymous
23rd Apr 2012 3:31am
This may be your best poem. The whole treatment of death is magical and ghostly. At times I was afraid it would lose its grip and veer off into schmaltz but you kept it on track. Every image is clearly and cleanly described. There's a sense of fantasy and empathy which never becomes too much. It's almost the perfect poem. Thanks for the read.
2
re: Comment
23rd Apr 2012 6:02am
Jack.
wow, happy days man!
a real pleasure to have you drop by and leave your thoughts.
I hear what you're saying 'bout the drifting off.it's easily done.
glad it didn't happen here though.
thanks for dropping by.
wow, happy days man!
a real pleasure to have you drop by and leave your thoughts.
I hear what you're saying 'bout the drifting off.it's easily done.
glad it didn't happen here though.
thanks for dropping by.
raised
23rd Apr 2012 2:25pm
re: raised
23rd Apr 2012 2:49pm
:)
23rd Apr 2012 5:25pm
Eamon
Though I have not read many of your early poems
but to a great extent I agree with Jack.
The control is impeccable and there are some
great moments here. A sense of Garcia/Rushdie/
Kundera evident in its profound innocence.
The second last was just so so beautiful.
And the end simply was something that will
reverberate within for sometime. I love this
one the most amongst all of your poems that
deal with 'death'.
Bravo, man.
Power,
Sumeet
Though I have not read many of your early poems
but to a great extent I agree with Jack.
The control is impeccable and there are some
great moments here. A sense of Garcia/Rushdie/
Kundera evident in its profound innocence.
The second last was just so so beautiful.
And the end simply was something that will
reverberate within for sometime. I love this
one the most amongst all of your poems that
deal with 'death'.
Bravo, man.
Power,
Sumeet
1
re: :)
23rd Apr 2012 8:14pm
Sumeet
well, I have to say i am rather pleased with the reception this write has got.
some of the names you are throwing around there are familiar and I am very honored you would think that about this writing.
your comment, for me anyway is the best kind of compliment a writer can get from another writer.
truly grateful man.
well, I have to say i am rather pleased with the reception this write has got.
some of the names you are throwing around there are familiar and I am very honored you would think that about this writing.
your comment, for me anyway is the best kind of compliment a writer can get from another writer.
truly grateful man.
...
Anonymous
23rd Apr 2012 6:40pm
outstanding Eamon
1
re: ...
23rd Apr 2012 8:16pm
Mememe.
really good to see you knocking about.
Thanks for the reading and kind comment.
Ps.
I see you see becoming a lady of few words and may I say ,I for one find that a very alluring attribute in a lady :D
really good to see you knocking about.
Thanks for the reading and kind comment.
Ps.
I see you see becoming a lady of few words and may I say ,I for one find that a very alluring attribute in a lady :D
Smiling
Anonymous
24th Apr 2012 3:12am
I love this Eamon! I would but pare a word or two, if you're so inclined (literally only a word or two).
1
re: Smiling
24th Apr 2012 3:16am
well hullo there Aish
Thanks for the smile, read and thoughts
ok i'm all ears what would you suggest
Thanks for the smile, read and thoughts
ok i'm all ears what would you suggest
re: re: Smiling
Anonymous
15th Jun 2012 6:25am
I apologize for not finding my way back to this piece before now, Eamon.
S1
You could tell the place was old
by the nicotine stains
showing through the light blue paint work,
and a funky smell all the detergent in the world
couldn't quite hide.
S1
You could tell the place was old
by the nicotine stains
showing through the light blue paint work,
and a funky smell all the detergent in the world
couldn't quite hide.
1
re: :]
29th Apr 2012 4:00pm
Breathless
29th Apr 2012 6:08pm
I find myself searching for an alternative oxygen source after reading this brilliant piece. =)
1
re: Breathless
29th Apr 2012 7:08pm
Thank you kindly for your reading and comment.
Hope you didn't suffer any long term damage from lack of oxygen.
Hope you didn't suffer any long term damage from lack of oxygen.
re: re: re: Breathless
30th Apr 2012 6:04pm
Re: Till death when they parted
14th May 2012 8:48pm
re: Re: Till death when they parted
14th May 2012 11:30pm
Re: Till death when they parted
15th May 2012 5:14am
Breathtaking, touching, beautiful! I love the change in feeling it gives me from beginning to end. Bleak and sad, then a vision of the dancing couple with the smiling baby, and then making me want to hug the mother while crying tears of joy with you. Just beautiful.
1
re: Re: Till death when they parted
15th May 2012 9:17pm
yes, it's good that you were able to pick out the different stages of emotion in this write.
I did not see this story play out but while I was in the waiting room of a hospital I felt it play out.
(may have been boredom may have been the spliff I smoked in the car park) I had the Madmans comp in mind as I was imagining the scenario and was lucky to make it back in time to throw it onto the screen.
I thank you for dropping by and leaving your thoughts :)
I did not see this story play out but while I was in the waiting room of a hospital I felt it play out.
(may have been boredom may have been the spliff I smoked in the car park) I had the Madmans comp in mind as I was imagining the scenario and was lucky to make it back in time to throw it onto the screen.
I thank you for dropping by and leaving your thoughts :)
Re: Till death when they parted
23rd May 2012 6:12am
Eamon, I love this poem. A contemplative journey into the spirit, that hits all the right emotions for a very moving piece.
Peace, Indie.
Peace, Indie.
0
re: Re: Till death when they parted
25th May 2012 9:00am
Indie.
It's always nice to hit the emotions with a writing.
especially the right ones (bonus)
"A contemplative journey into the spirit" I like that thanks. :)
and thanks for stopping by and leaving your footprint.
It's always nice to hit the emotions with a writing.
especially the right ones (bonus)
"A contemplative journey into the spirit" I like that thanks. :)
and thanks for stopping by and leaving your footprint.
Re: Till death when they parted
29th May 2012 10:51pm
Quite genuinely moved me, this is beautiful, and leads with such a nice tone of writing too! Amazing!
0
re: Re: Till death when they parted
29th May 2012 11:42pm
Re. Till death when they parted
17th Jun 2016 1:30pm
This is a wholly remarkable piece. It brings tears, truly. I must say, definitively, this is one of my favorites that I have thus far come across.
Willow
Willow
1
Re: Re. Till death when they parted
17th Jun 2016 4:07pm
Hullo
thank you, I've had this earmarked for some slight edits ..for a number of years. I may get around to it before the end of the millennium :}
many thanks for dropping by and leaving your thoughts
thank you, I've had this earmarked for some slight edits ..for a number of years. I may get around to it before the end of the millennium :}
many thanks for dropping by and leaving your thoughts