The extra

At any social gathering, I'm usually just there for 3 sole purposes:    
   
1) To eat food    
2) As social support    
3) As seat filler    
   
I'll usually sit where people won't be forced to talk to me, ask you questions about what's up with you, cheer you up when you need it, and create a space for you to vent it all out.    
   
A long time ago, I've decided to make it my job to just be that polite stranger that you have met at a party, had a fond chat with, and will probably never see again. Because, that's what I want to be.    
   
My personality isn't really something that I bring along with me, because I'd rather keep that to myself. I'll tell you things about myself if it will help keep the conversation going, but I'm mostly just curious to learn about you. That puts a lot less pressure off of me I think, because trying to be interesting is honestly pretty exhausting.    
   
Just take one look at your online socials and you'll see so many interesting people in a single scroll; there are many cool and passionate folks out there already. If there's someone out there who is passionate about something and going for it, that's amazing and wonderful. However, personally, I'd rather learn about them than try to be any of them.    
   
It might appear that I speak about all of this with a lack of effort, as if I have never tried to be 'the protagonist' of my own life. Though 10 years' worth of diaries, counselling and a suicide attempt later, I've become content with not having to be interesting to anyone, really. I'm alright being happy for other people who have found their own yellow brick road in life, even if that's something I won't necessarily have.    
   
This, of course, has come with having a lack of hobbies myself. I admit that I usually watch or listen to other people's fascinating experiences because I'm not really interested in doing the activities they're doing, as much as I am seeing why they're so interested in it.    
   
So what do I do in my free time? I just watch YouTube mainly. Like most people, I can essentially get glimpses into millions of peoples' lives through, essentially, self-made mini movies. With little to no effort, I can experience a little bit of what it's like to be where they are, and ponder about what brought them to the place where they're currently doing whatever cool stuff they're doing.    
   
The only time I think I do have individuality is when I write about my thoughts and listen to music, which is what I'm doing at the time of this entry. Outside of that, I don't do much 'interesting' stuff.    
   
Right now, I'm grateful for what I have and I'm working on finding ways to support others, like my family, who have given so much to me, so that I can take care of them in the future. Plus, I'm working on being a better friend to the very minute group of people I trust.Because one day, I will have to lose the stability of the life I currently have.    
   
I will lose my family members to the cycle of life and death, I will lose contact with friends I used to be close with, and if I go back to post-secondary, I'll lose a lot of the freedom that comes with not being in school. Financial crises, wars, and a whole host natural disasters--anything could make me lose the life I currently have. After the final storm, I only hope that one day I can finally rest in a place that I call my home, with at least one person during my passing days that can say that they loved me.    
   
Perhaps now, I am living as if I've never lived. Only a handful of people will remember my name decades from now. A millennia after I pass, it will be as if I've never existed.
   
But I believe that since I'm nameless, I'll remember the faces I've met and how they made me feel. I'll remember moreso how unique and poignant they were than not. In the small moments that I had to spend time with them, I'll always hope that first and foremost, that they felt safe, acknowledged, and cared for.  
   
- maikee