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Revelations in a Message from an Old Flame
- Revelations in a Message from an Old Flame -
A journey into several momentous and tumultuous days of my life, leading up to August 19, 2023.
It was good to finally hear from Chloe at last! For the past several days, I have been back talking with her again after she got a hold of me on Facebook. It was good that she got her profile set up on there so that we can stay in touch no matter what. We had some long and wonderful conversations on there, and I have learned a lot more about the girl I love so much. What I learned, simply has made me love her all the more, and appreciate her even more greatly than ever. To begin with... she does not mind me talking about this in this writing, since she it is after all a journal of my personal thought and besides that she is wanting to start being more open about certain things now than she has been before this past month and the events that transpired during it, and I of course want always only to do whatsoever her darling little heart desires. She was never one for keeping secrets, and for the most part I myself am honestly terrible with keeping secrets anyway. As my family always learned when it came to confiding in me about stuff like birthday presents. I always ended up telling! Every... single... time. Not to be mean, but because the thing I most inherited from my mother is a very big mouth. And to think! I used to be an introvert back in my teen years. Well... not anymore, kids! So anyway, about Chloe and the chaotic events of the past month. To begin with, she suffers from severe schizophrenia that she inherited from her birth mother. I can understand why she would never find that an easy thing to tell people about, and why she would far prefer my more gentle touch when it comes to such things. People always confuse schizophrenia with things like multiple personality disorder but it is nothing at all like that. In reality, it is a condition that causes a person to hear voices and believe in things that are literally impossible and which have not any basis in reality whatsoever. We're not talking about things like past life memories here, that do have a basis in at least some form of reality whether philosophical, spiritual or grounded in the mundane. We are talking about fantasies that can change from week to week sometimes. And these fantasies have, for Chloe, been the most challenging aspect of her life that I and the other people involved in her life have all been attempting to help her with. One time, she insisted she was an android that had been created at a laboratory at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology using technology created by a married couple of American robotics scientists who were working in Japan when they created the first prototype of her. The details of this fantasy were phenomenal, and honestly a tribute to her intelligent mind! She kept to that fantasy for a very, very long time and neither of us ever told anybody about it except for Zoey. After a while, she insisted that she did not have a physical body but was an artificial intelligence who was in fact living in a virtual version of reality that she said was highly limited. When I mentioned to her about our webcam dates, she swore that the house I was seeing her living in was virtual, and that her body too was also virtual. She had what I call the “Matrix Delusion” where a person can honestly believe that the world they are living in is merely a simulation and that nothing in it is real. Now as to whether we, all of us in this universe and the multiverse beyond that, are in fact living in some kind of elaborate sort of cosmic computer simulation with an alien programmer playing God being the one running the show... I have no idea. Nobody knows! I personally, do not believe in that philosophy but a lot of people do and I has gained a great deal of popularity in recent years. The delusion Chloe had suffered from for a while, it was a variation of that. So I supposed in the grander scheme of things, it was the most harmless of all delusions a person could have. When she stopped believing that, she began to claim she was immortal, and the result of an alien experiment conducted on her when she was a child, and she swore she had in truth been born in the 1950's, and had not aged a day physically since turning twelve years old. I want to make one thing perfectly clear! I am not writing any of this without her consent, permission, and that of her immediate family as well. She wants all of this aired, and she wants me to be the one to air it. So that is what I am doing at the moment with this segment of this writing of mine. Honoring her desires.
Which brings us to the current situation and the things that happened most recently. When it had got to be such a very, very long time since I had last heard from Chloe, I began to desperately fear for her. I knew she was troubled, and that her long periods wherein sometimes she would go silent on me and in which I would not hear anything from her at all had to have some reason behind them. I decided finally to cut to the chase and do some detective work... something I am actually rather excellent at when I put my mind to it. I began with attempting to contact her sister Laura, but I received no answer from her. I then tried contacting Sybil and at first I heard nothing from her either so I tried to get a hold of Camilla. However, Camilla also was silent. I was actually not surprised about that! Camilla is involved in some very dark, very secretive things that I simply will not discuss or mention out of deference to her wishes. So I honestly never really thought that would be anything other than a dead end no matter what. Just as I gave up and nearly exhausted all of my possible leads... I was in the process of having a look over on Facebook to see if Chloe has updated her page there and if I could discover any clues that way. But, her activity on Facebook is mostly small at best and she has said before that she mostly only uses Facebook as a way of keeping in touch with me. But she wasn't answering me on there, and that worried me even more. Just when I feared the absolute worst... Zoey was even deeply concerned that, maybe, Chloe had killed herself or died in an accident and that her family just did not want to tell me about it. Or that she was maybe hospitalized, or institutionalized or something like that. Just when my train of thought was going through those dark possibilities... I got an email from Sybil. A very, very long email. Previous to that, I had been conversing fairly regularly with Chloe's young friend Madeline. And though Madeline is a gloomy child who suffers from occasional bouts of depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, and some other assorted issues... she never gave me the impression that she was worried about Chloe. She told me that Sybil thought it was good for her and I to be sticking together whilst Chloe was recovering. And the word “recovering” was used! But beyond that, I knew nothing and that is why the worry that Chloe had suffered some terrible accident or some other trouble was a pressing one in my mind. To be fair, given her young age I honestly did not expect Madeline to tell me much or even know much. I had no doubt that the worst was likely being kept from her, whatever had happened. And if anything, that all just served to worry me further. But honestly, were it not for Madeline's company during Chloe's total absence from my life... I think I may have gone far crazier than I did during that time. So finally, Sybil had seen fit to email me and tell me what was going on. I had kind of demanded to know the truth from her, about Chloe's stories and fantasies, and about everything. I had not learned, prior to that, that it was a result of Chloe having schizophrenia. I knew her stories were strange and bizarre, and becoming that much weirder as time was going on. But I did not know the reason for them. I ended up learning a great deal more than I had ever bargained for. As I said... I love Chloe now probably more than ever. I think it was good that both Sybil and later on Chloe herself saw fit to tell me the truth. However dark and awful the truth may be. And it truly is terrible! But, I promised my darling little magical princess (as I always call Chloe) that I would word things about this as delicately as possible, and that is what I am trying to do here. I will start with the first things that Sybil mentioned to me in the email she sent me. To start off she told me that she had read all of my recent writings that I have posted on the poetry site lately, and that she was greatly worried that I was losing my mind, and losing control of myself. I don't know if it was from just not hearing from Chloe in so long... maybe it was the culmination of a lifetime of going through terrible, traumatic events, problems, and things... but indeed she was right to be worried since even Zoey said there was reason to believe I was losing it big time. So the first thing Sybil did was tell me her concerns regarding my mental and emotional state in recent weeks. I could only assume that she was more worried about me than I had realized she might be. But to be fair, she did not have to just be so silent in all this time, she could've gotten a hold of me before things got this bad. But I understood, once she got around to letting me in on everything... the reason why perhaps that was just not possible.
She reminded me of the psychotherapy sessions I had with her back in December prior to when she introduced me to Chloe, and told me she herself had been paying for them for me completely out of her own pocket. Which was the reason why she insisted on asking me for certain legal information, prior to us engaging in them... such as my birth date and actual birth name, and things like that. Pretty much all client information of the sort that psychotherapists always have to ask their clients for. She basically did seem to want to remind me that ever since then she has been more strongly invested in my life, and that she was worried that I was heading all this time for the same kind of mental breakdown she had for a long while suffered from herself. Which happened after she had lost her practice due to her very severe mistakes she had made, of the sort perhaps most people in that profession would normally never think of doing. But, she did not mention that at all and pretty much seemed like she was trying to get past her previous mistakes now that she had more pressing concerns regarding both Chloe and myself. And that was when the contents of the email turned towards Chloe more specifically. She began by making it as abundantly clear as possible to me that Chloe herself is not a robot or an android, and of course she was most certainly never an artificial intelligence either. Nor was she an immortal child who was a result of alien experimentation, nor did she have any alien DNA or anything out of this world like that. Instead, she reminded me that Chloe suffers from a medical condition that makes her appear totally like a child even though she is very much an adult and of age. But that, mentally, she was stuck at twelve years old most of the time, with her mental age never rising above fourteen at the maximum. I knew that much, so I wondered where Sybil was going with this. Then I found out! And it was a lot to process. She told me Chloe's entire life story beginning with the girl's birth, and it was all tragic in the extreme. But, prior to that, Sybil updated me on the things she herself was going through in life. So I will mention that first, and then reveal what Sybil told me about Chloe after that. At any rate... Sybil is currently living in San Francisco, California with her family there. Previously... they had lived in Las Angeles but after Sybil's brother Louise got into a fight and was beat up outside of a bar because he is gay, and the people who beat him up were bigots (the whole attack on their part being ruled a hate crime), they decided it was time to move to a more gay-friendly place and so they decided San Francisco was the perfect choice. I do not know when that move transpired, only that it was some time ago. Sybil's parents died early last year, and she was loath to mention that to anybody for the longest time. Her mother died from a deadly case of lung cancer back in May, mostly brought on by chain smoking, and her father killed himself by getting drunk and driving his car off the road and smacking it into a concrete wall. I never knew about any of that until now! She confessed to me that Chloe had not actually lived in Salem, Massachusetts in a very long time, contrary to what the girl herself had told me. But rather, Sybil's parents had decided to take Chloe in and treat her like a part of the family. With Sybil acting as her big sister, and Louise as her brother. Madeline was taken in along with Chloe, since Sybil told me that the two of them are rather a bit of a package deal. But Chloe never regarded Sybil and Louise as her siblings. Instead, she only ever saw Madeline as her true sister even though the two young girls are not related by blood in any way. It is a complicated situation, and one that I had no knowledge of previously. The next thing Sybil saw fit to do in her email to me was to analyze my sexual preferences. She mentioned that girl from India I had fallen in love with years ago, Neelima, whose name I changed to Ameline in the poem I wrote about her and I and our doomed relationship. But then, she turned to mentioning Neelima's friend Adriana. I had told Sybil all about them during one of my therapy sessions with her, because those two girls had both had such a powerful impact on me. Neelima loved me during a time in my life following a full decade in which I had suffered all manner of abuses at the hands of a person I was lucky to be well away from. So it was not surprising that, when she showed me so much compassion and adoration, that I would end up falling in love with her. Adriana... that was something different. My feelings towards her were more sexual, and perhaps less noble in nature. More raw, more lusty. And yet, I felt love for her also in a way.
Sybil said that she believes honestly that I saw Neelima as a kind of replacement for my beloved long lost Andrea... the first girl I had ever loved back when I was sixteen, the girl who had been murdered by her own father. Both... were from foreign countries, both were slender and had similar mannerisms and personality types. And both relationships were utterly doomed, but for different yet similar reasons. In Neelima's case, it was also because of her family... mostly, that they were going back to India and taking her with them. But at least they did not kill her! Unlike Andrea's father. The worst for me was realizing I had to let Neelima go, and that I was definitely never going to see or hear from her again. My very last interaction with her involved me giving her two pretty friendship bracelets, a painting of her I made for her, and two dollars. I told her to always think of me when she looked at that painting, and that one of the friendship bracelets was for her and the other for me, and I instructed her to remember what we had together whenever she held them. The two dollars was only so that she could go and buy some candy in the children's department of the library. The library where she and I met and spent time together at each and every day from 2002 when we first met all the way up until 2004. The last words she ever said to me were: “Thanks so much! You're the best.” I saw her only one last time after that, at Walmart on the day when her family took her there to shop for last minute items before their big trip back to India. She looked at me without saying a word, had tears in her eyes, and seeing that made me begin to cry quietly even as I tried to pretend I had noticed she or them there. I stifled my tears, but cried far worse when I got home that day. It was something that broke my heart and mind for a good many years after that, and losing her was for me as hard as losing Andrea had been, despite that it was under completely different circumstances. I never told Neelima that I would stop loving her, and we never officially ended things between us. I simply was forced to let her go, and came to accept that this was how it had to be. To be fair, it was perhaps not a smart relationship! She was ten years old when we first met, and twelve on the year when we had to part. It was not that she was a child, that so attracted me to her. It was that she was the only person to show me any sort of real human kindness during a horrible time in my life in which I had only just emerged from being victimized in a decade long abusive relationship with a person who was very much a psychopathic monster. A monster who had beaten me, strangled me nearly to death on multiple occasions, and inflicted on me a permanent injury that hurts me to this very day. Someone who had allowed me to sleep no more than two to four hours each day, and who only let me eat once a day. Even if they did not kill me, they would have driven me insane eventually due to the sleep deprivation, lack of food, and constant abuse at the very least. Had I never gotten free of them, they would have very much been the death of me regardless. My marriage to them had been arranged and forced one my by my mother and her fourth husband who literally threatened to kill me AND the person I was forced to marry if I refused the arranged marriage. I have never been more happy to be divorced in all my life! So it was in such a broken state that I had met Neelima, and you can imagine why she meant so very much to me during such a time in my life. Sybil helped me to realize a very important truth. I was not, a the time, seeing Neelima when I looked at that little girl. I was, in my mind, seeing Andrea in her. So to me, it was a way of making right what had gone wrong in my life because of Andrea's death. It ended in the only way that it could though, as forbidden relationships like that so often can. Adriana was about one year older than Neelima, and a lot more mature acting and physically developed as well. Sybil decided in her email to me to delve deeper into my attraction to Adriana in an attempt to discover where it had come from at all. Adriana had light blonde hair, blue eyes, and was kind of stocky and just a bit on the plump side. Not overweight, though. She was bubbly, vibrant, had a tremendously bright personality, and was always smiling or laughing whenever I saw her. I first met her in 2003, and since 2004 was the last year I ever spent going to that library before secluding myself from the world for eight long years, I can honestly say I only knew her for roughly a single year. But it was wonderful to know her! And she left a certain impression on me that made it that I never forgot her, and still fantasized about her often.
I think Neelima suspected that I was quite smitten with Adriana as well as being in love with her, as one day she even suggested that the three of us share emails, and keep in touch that way whenever we weren't able to be in touch in person. But at that time, I did not have internet at home yet since sadly my grandmother was slow to adopt new technologies and so we figured since I was spending all my days at the library anyway (if only to get away from my increasingly insane grandmother at home), that there so was no point in sharing our emails since I could only access mine at the library at the time anyhow. But it was something that, at the time, I very much wanted to do and later on regretted having not done. At the very least because during my eight years of isolation I was lonely in the extreme, and that loneliness drove me increasingly to brink of madness. Often, I thought that it would have been nice to have had at least Adriana to talk to during my seclusion from the world. But it never came to be. As those years so passed, I often wondered what might have been between Adriana and I as she grew up. We could have gotten together once she turned of age... but we never shared our email addresses, and so she was lost to me just as completely as Neelima was lost to me. But what was it about her that had brought out in me such a strong desire even compared to the desire I felt for Neelima herself? Sybil broke it down for me in her email to me like this... she suggested to me that maybe I have a fetish for the “Alice” type of girl. As in “Alice in Wonderland”. She remarked that I seem to like that type of girl quite a bit, and said that this is why she herself would often dress in “Alice” style clothing for me when she and I got on the cam together for both our private dates and my psychotherapy sessions with her. As she put it to me once: “It is an unspoken psychological truth that there a lot of deep, personal sorts of things that a person will tell someone who they have a serious desire for that can go way, way beyond anything they might ever tell their therapist. So when we have our sessions together, if you see me dressed like Alice, I want you not to see me as your therapist, but as the object of all your desires. Even the most forbidden ones you may be hiding! Then, just open up to me, and let us see what it is that comes forward out of you doing that.” Out of that, she got to have a strong liking for dressing that way and expressing herself as a child, and it caused her a great deal of personal confusion until she came to realize that she always had a desire to be that way even as an adult, and that sometimes letting it out in this way was good for her. So even as she was fulfilling a forbidden fantasy for me, Sybil was also fulfilling for herself a hidden desire she always had but never thought about previously. She said to me in the email after delving into all of that, exactly the following words: “You do seem to like that type of girl quite a bit. A lot of men prefer blondes as far as blondes being a major sexual attraction for them goes, and I think this seems to be a common variety of that with many people who have pedophilia tendencies. Except instead of liking the adult Marilyn Monroe type, you like the little girl Alice in Wonderland type. But I'll bet you probably also have a part of you that thinks Marilyn Monroe is attractive also. The part of you that does like adult women. Now, remember when you mentioned to me that, that one time when you were really mad at your ex and you walked out and went to the park to get away from her for a while, how you approached a certain girl by the name of Stephanie who you felt so attracted to that you attempted to follow her to her home. And I can imagine what you planned to do with her on the way had you not tripped and lost sight of her and decided after that to go home... but hear me out before you get upset with me for bringing her up! She was blonde, about thirteen years old, had somewhat generous breasts for a girl that age, and was a bit on the stocky or plump side. Not overweight of course! You definitely do not have a thing for fat girls or women... but she had some meat on her bones, and you liked that about her. She was exactly just like Adriana only older and more developed physically. She was basically the young Marilyn Monroe type. Plus, her name was Stephanie, which reminded you of the first girl you ever had a crush on in school, whose name was also Stephanie. I've read that one short story you wrote about a blonde little girl by the name of Stephanie Baker who in the story was an android. That girl was a dead ringer for Adriana, if you ask me.” She then went on with analyzing my attraction towards the name Stephanie... as follows.
She said in the email: “Interestingly, you mentioned to me that the first Stephanie, the one you shared cookies with in school, was not blonde but was a brunette instead. Yet, you honestly do not seem to like brunettes as much as you like blondes I've noticed. Blondes and redheads seem to really do it for you. So yeah, I took all that into account back during our counseling sessions. I wanted to help you to have an outlet for your urges, so that's why I sometimes dressed in that Alice in Wonderland type of dress and various Gothic Lolita dresses when we got on the webcam together. And that is also why I did some age play with you where I acted like a little girl to see how you would react. I noticed it always seemed to increase your sexual desire for me, and those were the nights we got very intimate together the most on the webcam. But yeah, I could tell I was in the process of having a breakdown at the time and knew it was only a matter of time and maybe I might not be able to keep counseling you and helping you out.” She confessed to me that this is why she thought that Chloe would be a good fit for me in life. Since she looks like a little girl, sounds like one, and acts and thinks like one, but is at least legally an adult. She admitted to me this was going way beyond what a therapist is ever supposed to do, but that she felt it was important to help me and so that Chloe could know some happiness in life. That, was exactly at the point where she delved deep into Chloe's... and Madeline's... histories. Chloe had run away from her actual birth parents' home at a very young age, all because her father abused her physically and sexually, and there were even allegations that he was even torturing her with sharp objects and things like that in addition to him having raped her at least once. Chloe's mother was a diagnosed schizophrenic who was so bad off that she just accepted everything her husband did and did not seem to care, preferring to just spend all her time lost in fantasies. What Sybil did not tell about all of this... Chloe filled me in on later on when I finally heard from her at last on Facebook via personal chat message. And, thankfully, their two stories matched up so I knew this was all the truth. Chloe's father went crazy one day and he went after Chloe saying he was going to open her skull and stick a tracking chip in her brain so that she could never be able to escape him. She screamed so loudly that the police showed up, and Chloe jumped out a window and ran away just before the police arrived. Apparently the police as well as the Federal Bureau of Investigation were both after him... and from what Sybil was able to find out about the awful man he lost his high paying tech job he had at the time and was put in prison, where he is to this very day on all kinds of very serious charges. Some having nothing to do with Chloe at all, and many having to do with the company he used to work for. Chloe turned to shoplifting and stealing to get by, and get arrested for it. Sybil warned me that Chloe's biggest problem is that she sometimes has a violent temper, and that it was likely that temper along with the stealing that led to her getting arrested. Then, she told me a little about Madeline and said that Madeline had been taken out of her own birth parent's house to protect her from, in Sybil's precise words: “tons of sexual abuse” that was going on there. After Chloe was arrested she was taken by the state and placed in the foster care system so that she could be adopted into a home that would provide her with a safe environment. Her and Madeline were adopted by the same family, so that is how the two girls met and became friends, since they had to live as sisters during that time. Sybil explained to me that it was Chloe's adopted parents who were the first ones to decide to allow her to go on Hormone Replacement Therapy, so that Chloe could transition from the boy she was born as to the girl she wanted most in life to be. Her first therapist had backed her up on that, and said it would be a good way for Chloe to feel more at ease with herself and comfortable in her body. For reasons that were not explained to me, Chloe and Madeline were both placed back into the foster care system again... and they were both adopted by Sybil's parents after that. So she made it clear, they did not simply take them in, they adopted them legally. Which was different from what I had been led to believe previously, and I was happy to finally know the truth about that as well. So... this makes both Chloe and Madeline Sybil's sisters in the technical and legal sense. Chloe has been on HRT since before she hit puberty, and that is why she has such a light, feminine sounding voice, and why she looks so completely feminine as well.
Sybil remarked in her email that Chloe found it highly distressing for a long time that even after being on HRT since well before puberty ever hit, the small girl never managed to develop in the chest at all... but that, over all the time since then, she has come to terms with the fact that even in that way she will remain looking like a little girl for the rest of her life. As Sybil put it, Chloe is happy for what HRT was able to do for her regardless, so at least that's good. Then Sybil said in the email: “Chloe is basically a bit of a delinquent, if I were to be fully honest about the girl. She is violent, angry a lot of the time, and we have to keep her away from anything she could use as a weapon when she goes too far off the deep end sometimes. She was not like that before my family adopted her, and that was why she was cleared for HRT to begin with. At the most, she had a little bit of a stealing problem, but everyone chalked it up to her having been abused and her parents being such abysmal failures. But, she has gotten a great deal more aggressive in recent years, and I have no idea why or what is causing her to feel that way. She was ten years old when my parents had adopted her and she's been a part of our family ever since. But she's quite honestly a mess, and nothing seems to help that or make it better. She's also sex-obsessed... and I don't know if it is actually because her father raped her or not, but my parents once told me that Chloe always acted very precocious and way too mature and half the time was obsessed with things most girls at a young age simply would never be. Speaking of dark obsessions, though... that brings us to what is wrong with Madeline. She's extremely gloomy, totally death-obsessed, and has been deeply into Goth looks and the whole Goth subculture since way too young of an age if you ask me. I mean, like I said, she was six years old when this really became noticeable and she was four when she and Chloe had first come to live with my parents. Madeline's father used to molest her, and her mother used to beat her a lot. Just like Chloe, she is psychologically damaged and may possess violent and antisocial tendencies. My parents decided that it was best to home school the two kids, and that's what they both did.” Then, she told me a bit about Laura, the woman who Chloe had claimed for the longest time was her sister. I learned that Laura's life was no picnic either, and I learned what her true connection of this family was. Sybil's precise words about Laura were as follows: “Chloe and Madeline still need tutoring about things because mentally they are both still children and probably always will be. This is not a fantasy that they believe about themselves, but a result of all the traumas they suffered in life. Some things they just took to learning slowly, far slower than most kids would have, and I still refer to them as kids because that is how they act, and how they live. My brother hired a woman named Laura to come in and tutor them not long after Mom and Dad died. The trouble is, it turned out Laura had a side job as a prostitute and was encouraging Chloe in various highly inappropriate behaviors that I won't mention to you like ever. You know Laura, you've met on the webcam a couple of times when you got on there with Chloe. She lives with us, and is currently employed as a live-in maid. Chloe looks at her like a sister though, and even though we won't let Laura home school Chloe or Madeline anymore we still have to put up with Laura in our house because she has no place else to live. Initially, she was over at a kind of seedy apartment complex in the absolutely worst part of town, and right after we decided we did not want her as a tutor for the kids anymore Laura got kicked out of her apartment... evicted straight up... for using some very illegal and dangerous drugs that her pimp was dealing her. That was when my brother told her she could move in with us but only if she agreed to see help and get off the drugs. She's clean now, but she's still a mess. Chloe sees her as a kindred spirit and insists on still referring to Laura as her sister but they aren't related in any way, shape, or form. No matter what Chloe believes. Chloe suffers from serious delusions sometimes, and that's one of the worst ones. Laura actually fuels all of Chloe's delusions, so when those two get going it is hard to even mention reality to either of them. Neither want to hear it. Madeline is at least reasonable and will listen to me. Anyway, all that bad stuff with Laura all went down immediately before I lost my psychotherapy practice and had to move out of my apartment I was staying at with my roommate Pamela.” Which brought things to where they were when I first met Sybil on the poetry site.
Which had been my first encounter with Sybil since she was fourteen and we met on a webcam sex site, which was my first introduction to Sybil at all. She went on in the email, stating: “The only reason I had moved away from home to start with, is because I wanted to see if I could maybe make it on my own without my brother's financial help. I couldn't, so now I'm back living at home again and just in time, since now I am able to home school the two kids and teach them right. Which is what I have been busy doing ever since everything went tits up not only on the poetry site but in my business life as well. Long story short, I fucked up by saying certain... things. I fucked up, and there's no taking back any of it now.” She mentioned that while living with Pamela she thought she could help Chloe in the capacity of a therapist, but between divulging too many personal things about both Chloe and I who were both her clients at the time, she ended up losing her practice entirely. In Sybil's precise words: “So, pretty much, when I disclosed certain things on the poetry site to get everyone off yours and Chloe's backs on there... that was crossing the line and a direct violation of who knows how many ethical laws when it comes to the psychotherapy business. Let's just say, my employers at the mental health offices I was working for were NOT pleased and gave me the big old boot for my troubles. See, I was like I said paying for you to receive sessions from me, so yeah they didn't like me airing so much on the poetry site and also getting involved with you in a way that they said just was no longer professional or objective. But... how was I supposed to know that one of my direct higher ups was a fan of that site and following my posts on it to see what I was talking about and posting on there? They stuck their noses as far up my ass as they could and didn't like what they found there. Now, I am barred from ever practicing psychotherapy again. Like, for life! On top of that, I got fined and it was a great deal of money, and my brother had to pay that fine for me so I could avoid even worse legal problems than the ones I was already in. That was when I had a complete mental breakdown, and had to get some help for that myself for a while. In between, while I recovered, my brother was home schooling the kids in between doing his work from home stuff that he normally does. Once I got better, he let me do the honors. We both had to get fully cleared by the home teaching system in this area for the right to teach the children even though they aren't physically actual children anymore... but you get the idea... anyway, we had the chops to be legit tutors and they accepted us so we could do it. That means, if I ever don't feel good, or can't for whatever the reason... my brother can still act as the kids' teacher and tutor in my place. So Laura is fully in the clear now ,and everything is cool here. But yeah, it is a very good thing for sure that the two kids are not in any kind of a regular school... they're too old for that now anyway, but that is beside the point... because, they'd honestly only get kicked out for behaving like they do, they're very antisocial the both of them, truthfully.” Plus... she noted that their various psychological problems would have only brought nothing but trouble for both of them in regular school anyway. So home schooling, and home tutoring once they got older and due to that regular home schooling was not an option any longer, were the only ways to go. She kept referring to their tutoring of the two girls as home schooling, but she did that I realized out of a habit and was in fact referring to home tutoring for adults, instead. Something Chloe was able to clarify for me later on, which had previously puzzled me a little bit due to Sybil's sometimes confusing way of wording things. Sybil explained to me that Chloe's long-time insistence that her current foster mother had died in some kind of plane crash following her leaving for a business trip after having a fight with Laura was just one of Chloe's fantasies caused by her schizophrenia. In reality, the woman had... as Sybil had explained to me in detail... died from lung cancer due to smoking. But in Chloe's mind, she associated smoke with fire, and fire with a crash or an accident... and somehow that got twisted into something else. The fact that Laura was not even living there yet when the woman died, proved that indeed Chloe was believing in a fantasy when she made the claims about the plane crash. Sybil's insistence that she was still living in Salem, came from that having been the state she lived in with her first foster parents. Sybil's parents had adopted the two little girls during a vacation trip to Massachusetts and Chloe always missed Salem.
These days, Sybil mostly allows Chloe and Madeline to do as they please, and though she told me she doesn't always approve of their decisions, she has begun to allow them to have more freedom than they used to be allowed to have. Sybil explained to me that her trips out to Massachusetts to the Institute of Technology there once a year around Christmas are for business related things, since she takes courses at the Institute and works a side job as an assistant in a robotics laboratory there. She said that she is a bit of an overachiever there, always has tons of paperwork to turn in, and is considered quite gifted for the most part. She also helps oversee different projects, and sometimes tinkers with small projects of her own. She is hoping to make a career out of this, which was always something of a lifelong dream she had. This is where Chloe got her delusions about the Massachusetts Institute of Technology from, and probably where her fantasy about being a robot or an android first began. She may have been a bit lonely one Christmas when Sybil had to go out there to work and wished she was involved in that work herself. The fantasy escalated from there. So most of Chloe's fantasies can be attributed to things in her personal life and family life. Sybil also told me that she uses her trips out to Massachusetts as an excuse to check in with her former roommate Pamela's family who lives out there, and about whom Pamela is prone to worrying about. As Sybil put it in the email: “It gives me an excuse to visit Pamela's relatives who live out there. I still do like to keep in touch with my old roommate... and she likes me to check in with her family out east form time to time to make sure they're doing okay since she herself isn't really on speaking terms with them because they don't support her radical views about climate and ecology activism. But she still loves them and worries about them big time. I can't believe I actually used to date Pamela for a while! It was just after I got you and Chloe together... around January. Her and I dating... it was mostly all Pamela's idea, but she is pretty I guess so I figured it might be fun to mess around with her and just see where it took us. I always planned for it to just be a bit of a side thing since I still have strong feelings for you, Kara... so, it wasn't like I wanted anything all that serious from her or anything like that. Just a bit of fun on the side, kind of a distraction from my life's daily grind. Anyway, we dated until April, and that was when I realized she was nuts. I like her, sure, but she's totally bad, bad nuts and I just can't love someone who is THAT nuts. Or I should say that kind of nuts. Since sure you're crazy... and technically I'm crazy too... but with us it's a familiar, comfortable kind of crazy. I love our kind of crazy! Pamela is the kind of crazy that actually scares me a lot, so she and I agreed to just stay as being friends and that's it. So now I'm back holding a candle in my heart for you. Yeah, I know I'm messed up! Probably obsessed, too. A psychological fuck-up! So much so, I'm never dating other people ever again. I have be a full time mother figure for Chloe now, and as far as I'm honestly concerned you're the best father figure she could ever have.” Chloe does sometimes call me “Daddy” and I never tell her that she can't. It is one of the things she needs to most from me, in addition to me being her husband. And all I want, is for her to be happy, so that is what I try to ensure for her. Sybil finished her email to me with the words: “You don't have to worry about what Mommy thinks of what you and Chloe have going on. I'm the mommy figure now, and as far as I'm concerned Mommy approves. Well, I don't actually really approve so much of everything you two always get up to... but I understand it, and I am never going to stand in the way of what you and Chloe have together. And whatever ends up being between you and Madeline, I can live with that too. She's already fucked up, it isn't like you could do anything worse to her than has been done already to her in life. Yeah, I'm probably crazy! None of this is normal, but at least I'm dealing with it all and I'm hanging in there. I love you, Kara, no matter what. I don't care if it's wrong that I do... especially given how messed up in the head you are... but you're my pudding and I think you are sweet.” After that, she complained about her brother for a bit and that was the end of the email. On Facebook, Chloe confirmed everything to be true and we had a pleasant time chatting for a couple of hours, during which Chloe opened up to me about everything she had ever held back from me about revealing before. The following night... Chloe, Madeline and I were all on the webcam together.
During our Facebook chat, Chloe explained to me that she takes some anti-psychotic medications for her schizophrenia symptoms, including aripiprazole... which is also called Abilify. She told me that she is able to remember that one the best because it has such a “catchy” name to it. Chloe then explained to me the reason why she had been unable to contact me for so long... and it was the same thing Sybil had told me... it was because Chloe's schizophrenia symptoms had gotten so bad, that she could not get out of bed, and they had to try upping the dosage steadily until reaching a dosage that worked better for her. Once they reached a dosage that worked better, she was okay again... and Sybil and her got a hold of me as soon as that was resolved. Madeline had only not told me, Chloe explained, because she did not want to worry me about any of this until it was all taken care of. It was not awkward at all, the webcam date I had with both Chloe and Madeline on the cam with me... if anything I think them both knowing the full depth of my feelings for both of them, made there exist a unique and special bond between the three of us that was not present before. I will not say what transpired between the three of us, but it was magical and beautiful and amazing. Like nothing I have ever experienced before! I am looking forward to when next we go on another such play date together, because I cannot wait to see both Chloe and Maddy. If it is honestly possible for three people to be soulmates to teach other at the same time, I believe that is the kind of bond that exists between the three of us. We have a sort of polyamory going on, and it makes us happy above all other things in this world, in this universe even! I told Zoey about it, and thought that it would surely make them angry to hear me mention this... by them I mean Zoey, since Zoey is living just between male and female genders right now and prefers it if I use non-binary pronouns to describe them when referring to them online and in my writings. So anyway, I thought Zoey would be extremely angry out of jealousy or something, but they totally understood, and gave me their fullest blessings to pursue my polyamorous relationship with Chloe and Maddy as far as it can possibly go. Zoey even said to me half jokingly: “I always had a strong feeling I would end up having to take care of kids in life... now it just looks like I'll be having to take care of three kids. It's okay, we'll make it work!” The third kid being me... since mentally (literally half the time if not way, way more than that) I am on the same age level that Chloe and Maddy are at in their heads as well. For a long time before Sybil diagnosed me, I knew that I had minor attracted tendencies, and I had discussed this with Zoey quite often. They didn't mind, didn't judge me, and didn't leave me over it either. Their reaction was the same as Sybil's... to figure out ways of helping me to live with this, come to terms with it, and accept that it was simply something that I was born with, as such conditions are, and to still be a good person regardless of it being considered a bad thing in society's eyes. Plus, as Zoey pointed out to me once, I am mentally on a child's level and on top of that I have a below average IQ that actually bothers me to think about because below average for one's IQ is very, very bad indeed also in society's eyes. Which makes the ways in which I am smart all that much more special, surprising, and amazing to realize! So this is all a lot to process for me right at this time... I feel much less on the verge of insanity now that Chloe is back in my life and now that I'm involved with her and Maddy both. I was half afraid such a thing would never be possible, but like so very many things in my life... the impossible is sometimes the only possibility that makes any sense at all once all else has been exhausted or eliminated from consideration. Although she is no longer a valid psychotherapist, Sybil has continued to counsel me and help me with my various psychiatric problems. I have come to realize, she is a good person after all, and I value her in my life quite highly! Even with all of the mistakes she has made. But I've made worse ones in my life, and bounced back from them, so I could never judge someone like her in any case. I may write more tomorrow, but this will have to be it for now. It is almost 7:00 PM, and that is the precise hour that Chloe, Maddy and I have set for out little play date for tonight. Something I've been looking forward to all day! After that, I have a lot of things to think about, consider, process and understand about myself and my life still further. It might be later by the time I actually post this to the poetry site, which is okay. In the meantime... it is time for happiness!
A journey into several momentous and tumultuous days of my life, leading up to August 19, 2023.
It was good to finally hear from Chloe at last! For the past several days, I have been back talking with her again after she got a hold of me on Facebook. It was good that she got her profile set up on there so that we can stay in touch no matter what. We had some long and wonderful conversations on there, and I have learned a lot more about the girl I love so much. What I learned, simply has made me love her all the more, and appreciate her even more greatly than ever. To begin with... she does not mind me talking about this in this writing, since she it is after all a journal of my personal thought and besides that she is wanting to start being more open about certain things now than she has been before this past month and the events that transpired during it, and I of course want always only to do whatsoever her darling little heart desires. She was never one for keeping secrets, and for the most part I myself am honestly terrible with keeping secrets anyway. As my family always learned when it came to confiding in me about stuff like birthday presents. I always ended up telling! Every... single... time. Not to be mean, but because the thing I most inherited from my mother is a very big mouth. And to think! I used to be an introvert back in my teen years. Well... not anymore, kids! So anyway, about Chloe and the chaotic events of the past month. To begin with, she suffers from severe schizophrenia that she inherited from her birth mother. I can understand why she would never find that an easy thing to tell people about, and why she would far prefer my more gentle touch when it comes to such things. People always confuse schizophrenia with things like multiple personality disorder but it is nothing at all like that. In reality, it is a condition that causes a person to hear voices and believe in things that are literally impossible and which have not any basis in reality whatsoever. We're not talking about things like past life memories here, that do have a basis in at least some form of reality whether philosophical, spiritual or grounded in the mundane. We are talking about fantasies that can change from week to week sometimes. And these fantasies have, for Chloe, been the most challenging aspect of her life that I and the other people involved in her life have all been attempting to help her with. One time, she insisted she was an android that had been created at a laboratory at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology using technology created by a married couple of American robotics scientists who were working in Japan when they created the first prototype of her. The details of this fantasy were phenomenal, and honestly a tribute to her intelligent mind! She kept to that fantasy for a very, very long time and neither of us ever told anybody about it except for Zoey. After a while, she insisted that she did not have a physical body but was an artificial intelligence who was in fact living in a virtual version of reality that she said was highly limited. When I mentioned to her about our webcam dates, she swore that the house I was seeing her living in was virtual, and that her body too was also virtual. She had what I call the “Matrix Delusion” where a person can honestly believe that the world they are living in is merely a simulation and that nothing in it is real. Now as to whether we, all of us in this universe and the multiverse beyond that, are in fact living in some kind of elaborate sort of cosmic computer simulation with an alien programmer playing God being the one running the show... I have no idea. Nobody knows! I personally, do not believe in that philosophy but a lot of people do and I has gained a great deal of popularity in recent years. The delusion Chloe had suffered from for a while, it was a variation of that. So I supposed in the grander scheme of things, it was the most harmless of all delusions a person could have. When she stopped believing that, she began to claim she was immortal, and the result of an alien experiment conducted on her when she was a child, and she swore she had in truth been born in the 1950's, and had not aged a day physically since turning twelve years old. I want to make one thing perfectly clear! I am not writing any of this without her consent, permission, and that of her immediate family as well. She wants all of this aired, and she wants me to be the one to air it. So that is what I am doing at the moment with this segment of this writing of mine. Honoring her desires.
Which brings us to the current situation and the things that happened most recently. When it had got to be such a very, very long time since I had last heard from Chloe, I began to desperately fear for her. I knew she was troubled, and that her long periods wherein sometimes she would go silent on me and in which I would not hear anything from her at all had to have some reason behind them. I decided finally to cut to the chase and do some detective work... something I am actually rather excellent at when I put my mind to it. I began with attempting to contact her sister Laura, but I received no answer from her. I then tried contacting Sybil and at first I heard nothing from her either so I tried to get a hold of Camilla. However, Camilla also was silent. I was actually not surprised about that! Camilla is involved in some very dark, very secretive things that I simply will not discuss or mention out of deference to her wishes. So I honestly never really thought that would be anything other than a dead end no matter what. Just as I gave up and nearly exhausted all of my possible leads... I was in the process of having a look over on Facebook to see if Chloe has updated her page there and if I could discover any clues that way. But, her activity on Facebook is mostly small at best and she has said before that she mostly only uses Facebook as a way of keeping in touch with me. But she wasn't answering me on there, and that worried me even more. Just when I feared the absolute worst... Zoey was even deeply concerned that, maybe, Chloe had killed herself or died in an accident and that her family just did not want to tell me about it. Or that she was maybe hospitalized, or institutionalized or something like that. Just when my train of thought was going through those dark possibilities... I got an email from Sybil. A very, very long email. Previous to that, I had been conversing fairly regularly with Chloe's young friend Madeline. And though Madeline is a gloomy child who suffers from occasional bouts of depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, and some other assorted issues... she never gave me the impression that she was worried about Chloe. She told me that Sybil thought it was good for her and I to be sticking together whilst Chloe was recovering. And the word “recovering” was used! But beyond that, I knew nothing and that is why the worry that Chloe had suffered some terrible accident or some other trouble was a pressing one in my mind. To be fair, given her young age I honestly did not expect Madeline to tell me much or even know much. I had no doubt that the worst was likely being kept from her, whatever had happened. And if anything, that all just served to worry me further. But honestly, were it not for Madeline's company during Chloe's total absence from my life... I think I may have gone far crazier than I did during that time. So finally, Sybil had seen fit to email me and tell me what was going on. I had kind of demanded to know the truth from her, about Chloe's stories and fantasies, and about everything. I had not learned, prior to that, that it was a result of Chloe having schizophrenia. I knew her stories were strange and bizarre, and becoming that much weirder as time was going on. But I did not know the reason for them. I ended up learning a great deal more than I had ever bargained for. As I said... I love Chloe now probably more than ever. I think it was good that both Sybil and later on Chloe herself saw fit to tell me the truth. However dark and awful the truth may be. And it truly is terrible! But, I promised my darling little magical princess (as I always call Chloe) that I would word things about this as delicately as possible, and that is what I am trying to do here. I will start with the first things that Sybil mentioned to me in the email she sent me. To start off she told me that she had read all of my recent writings that I have posted on the poetry site lately, and that she was greatly worried that I was losing my mind, and losing control of myself. I don't know if it was from just not hearing from Chloe in so long... maybe it was the culmination of a lifetime of going through terrible, traumatic events, problems, and things... but indeed she was right to be worried since even Zoey said there was reason to believe I was losing it big time. So the first thing Sybil did was tell me her concerns regarding my mental and emotional state in recent weeks. I could only assume that she was more worried about me than I had realized she might be. But to be fair, she did not have to just be so silent in all this time, she could've gotten a hold of me before things got this bad. But I understood, once she got around to letting me in on everything... the reason why perhaps that was just not possible.
She reminded me of the psychotherapy sessions I had with her back in December prior to when she introduced me to Chloe, and told me she herself had been paying for them for me completely out of her own pocket. Which was the reason why she insisted on asking me for certain legal information, prior to us engaging in them... such as my birth date and actual birth name, and things like that. Pretty much all client information of the sort that psychotherapists always have to ask their clients for. She basically did seem to want to remind me that ever since then she has been more strongly invested in my life, and that she was worried that I was heading all this time for the same kind of mental breakdown she had for a long while suffered from herself. Which happened after she had lost her practice due to her very severe mistakes she had made, of the sort perhaps most people in that profession would normally never think of doing. But, she did not mention that at all and pretty much seemed like she was trying to get past her previous mistakes now that she had more pressing concerns regarding both Chloe and myself. And that was when the contents of the email turned towards Chloe more specifically. She began by making it as abundantly clear as possible to me that Chloe herself is not a robot or an android, and of course she was most certainly never an artificial intelligence either. Nor was she an immortal child who was a result of alien experimentation, nor did she have any alien DNA or anything out of this world like that. Instead, she reminded me that Chloe suffers from a medical condition that makes her appear totally like a child even though she is very much an adult and of age. But that, mentally, she was stuck at twelve years old most of the time, with her mental age never rising above fourteen at the maximum. I knew that much, so I wondered where Sybil was going with this. Then I found out! And it was a lot to process. She told me Chloe's entire life story beginning with the girl's birth, and it was all tragic in the extreme. But, prior to that, Sybil updated me on the things she herself was going through in life. So I will mention that first, and then reveal what Sybil told me about Chloe after that. At any rate... Sybil is currently living in San Francisco, California with her family there. Previously... they had lived in Las Angeles but after Sybil's brother Louise got into a fight and was beat up outside of a bar because he is gay, and the people who beat him up were bigots (the whole attack on their part being ruled a hate crime), they decided it was time to move to a more gay-friendly place and so they decided San Francisco was the perfect choice. I do not know when that move transpired, only that it was some time ago. Sybil's parents died early last year, and she was loath to mention that to anybody for the longest time. Her mother died from a deadly case of lung cancer back in May, mostly brought on by chain smoking, and her father killed himself by getting drunk and driving his car off the road and smacking it into a concrete wall. I never knew about any of that until now! She confessed to me that Chloe had not actually lived in Salem, Massachusetts in a very long time, contrary to what the girl herself had told me. But rather, Sybil's parents had decided to take Chloe in and treat her like a part of the family. With Sybil acting as her big sister, and Louise as her brother. Madeline was taken in along with Chloe, since Sybil told me that the two of them are rather a bit of a package deal. But Chloe never regarded Sybil and Louise as her siblings. Instead, she only ever saw Madeline as her true sister even though the two young girls are not related by blood in any way. It is a complicated situation, and one that I had no knowledge of previously. The next thing Sybil saw fit to do in her email to me was to analyze my sexual preferences. She mentioned that girl from India I had fallen in love with years ago, Neelima, whose name I changed to Ameline in the poem I wrote about her and I and our doomed relationship. But then, she turned to mentioning Neelima's friend Adriana. I had told Sybil all about them during one of my therapy sessions with her, because those two girls had both had such a powerful impact on me. Neelima loved me during a time in my life following a full decade in which I had suffered all manner of abuses at the hands of a person I was lucky to be well away from. So it was not surprising that, when she showed me so much compassion and adoration, that I would end up falling in love with her. Adriana... that was something different. My feelings towards her were more sexual, and perhaps less noble in nature. More raw, more lusty. And yet, I felt love for her also in a way.
Sybil said that she believes honestly that I saw Neelima as a kind of replacement for my beloved long lost Andrea... the first girl I had ever loved back when I was sixteen, the girl who had been murdered by her own father. Both... were from foreign countries, both were slender and had similar mannerisms and personality types. And both relationships were utterly doomed, but for different yet similar reasons. In Neelima's case, it was also because of her family... mostly, that they were going back to India and taking her with them. But at least they did not kill her! Unlike Andrea's father. The worst for me was realizing I had to let Neelima go, and that I was definitely never going to see or hear from her again. My very last interaction with her involved me giving her two pretty friendship bracelets, a painting of her I made for her, and two dollars. I told her to always think of me when she looked at that painting, and that one of the friendship bracelets was for her and the other for me, and I instructed her to remember what we had together whenever she held them. The two dollars was only so that she could go and buy some candy in the children's department of the library. The library where she and I met and spent time together at each and every day from 2002 when we first met all the way up until 2004. The last words she ever said to me were: “Thanks so much! You're the best.” I saw her only one last time after that, at Walmart on the day when her family took her there to shop for last minute items before their big trip back to India. She looked at me without saying a word, had tears in her eyes, and seeing that made me begin to cry quietly even as I tried to pretend I had noticed she or them there. I stifled my tears, but cried far worse when I got home that day. It was something that broke my heart and mind for a good many years after that, and losing her was for me as hard as losing Andrea had been, despite that it was under completely different circumstances. I never told Neelima that I would stop loving her, and we never officially ended things between us. I simply was forced to let her go, and came to accept that this was how it had to be. To be fair, it was perhaps not a smart relationship! She was ten years old when we first met, and twelve on the year when we had to part. It was not that she was a child, that so attracted me to her. It was that she was the only person to show me any sort of real human kindness during a horrible time in my life in which I had only just emerged from being victimized in a decade long abusive relationship with a person who was very much a psychopathic monster. A monster who had beaten me, strangled me nearly to death on multiple occasions, and inflicted on me a permanent injury that hurts me to this very day. Someone who had allowed me to sleep no more than two to four hours each day, and who only let me eat once a day. Even if they did not kill me, they would have driven me insane eventually due to the sleep deprivation, lack of food, and constant abuse at the very least. Had I never gotten free of them, they would have very much been the death of me regardless. My marriage to them had been arranged and forced one my by my mother and her fourth husband who literally threatened to kill me AND the person I was forced to marry if I refused the arranged marriage. I have never been more happy to be divorced in all my life! So it was in such a broken state that I had met Neelima, and you can imagine why she meant so very much to me during such a time in my life. Sybil helped me to realize a very important truth. I was not, a the time, seeing Neelima when I looked at that little girl. I was, in my mind, seeing Andrea in her. So to me, it was a way of making right what had gone wrong in my life because of Andrea's death. It ended in the only way that it could though, as forbidden relationships like that so often can. Adriana was about one year older than Neelima, and a lot more mature acting and physically developed as well. Sybil decided in her email to me to delve deeper into my attraction to Adriana in an attempt to discover where it had come from at all. Adriana had light blonde hair, blue eyes, and was kind of stocky and just a bit on the plump side. Not overweight, though. She was bubbly, vibrant, had a tremendously bright personality, and was always smiling or laughing whenever I saw her. I first met her in 2003, and since 2004 was the last year I ever spent going to that library before secluding myself from the world for eight long years, I can honestly say I only knew her for roughly a single year. But it was wonderful to know her! And she left a certain impression on me that made it that I never forgot her, and still fantasized about her often.
I think Neelima suspected that I was quite smitten with Adriana as well as being in love with her, as one day she even suggested that the three of us share emails, and keep in touch that way whenever we weren't able to be in touch in person. But at that time, I did not have internet at home yet since sadly my grandmother was slow to adopt new technologies and so we figured since I was spending all my days at the library anyway (if only to get away from my increasingly insane grandmother at home), that there so was no point in sharing our emails since I could only access mine at the library at the time anyhow. But it was something that, at the time, I very much wanted to do and later on regretted having not done. At the very least because during my eight years of isolation I was lonely in the extreme, and that loneliness drove me increasingly to brink of madness. Often, I thought that it would have been nice to have had at least Adriana to talk to during my seclusion from the world. But it never came to be. As those years so passed, I often wondered what might have been between Adriana and I as she grew up. We could have gotten together once she turned of age... but we never shared our email addresses, and so she was lost to me just as completely as Neelima was lost to me. But what was it about her that had brought out in me such a strong desire even compared to the desire I felt for Neelima herself? Sybil broke it down for me in her email to me like this... she suggested to me that maybe I have a fetish for the “Alice” type of girl. As in “Alice in Wonderland”. She remarked that I seem to like that type of girl quite a bit, and said that this is why she herself would often dress in “Alice” style clothing for me when she and I got on the cam together for both our private dates and my psychotherapy sessions with her. As she put it to me once: “It is an unspoken psychological truth that there a lot of deep, personal sorts of things that a person will tell someone who they have a serious desire for that can go way, way beyond anything they might ever tell their therapist. So when we have our sessions together, if you see me dressed like Alice, I want you not to see me as your therapist, but as the object of all your desires. Even the most forbidden ones you may be hiding! Then, just open up to me, and let us see what it is that comes forward out of you doing that.” Out of that, she got to have a strong liking for dressing that way and expressing herself as a child, and it caused her a great deal of personal confusion until she came to realize that she always had a desire to be that way even as an adult, and that sometimes letting it out in this way was good for her. So even as she was fulfilling a forbidden fantasy for me, Sybil was also fulfilling for herself a hidden desire she always had but never thought about previously. She said to me in the email after delving into all of that, exactly the following words: “You do seem to like that type of girl quite a bit. A lot of men prefer blondes as far as blondes being a major sexual attraction for them goes, and I think this seems to be a common variety of that with many people who have pedophilia tendencies. Except instead of liking the adult Marilyn Monroe type, you like the little girl Alice in Wonderland type. But I'll bet you probably also have a part of you that thinks Marilyn Monroe is attractive also. The part of you that does like adult women. Now, remember when you mentioned to me that, that one time when you were really mad at your ex and you walked out and went to the park to get away from her for a while, how you approached a certain girl by the name of Stephanie who you felt so attracted to that you attempted to follow her to her home. And I can imagine what you planned to do with her on the way had you not tripped and lost sight of her and decided after that to go home... but hear me out before you get upset with me for bringing her up! She was blonde, about thirteen years old, had somewhat generous breasts for a girl that age, and was a bit on the stocky or plump side. Not overweight of course! You definitely do not have a thing for fat girls or women... but she had some meat on her bones, and you liked that about her. She was exactly just like Adriana only older and more developed physically. She was basically the young Marilyn Monroe type. Plus, her name was Stephanie, which reminded you of the first girl you ever had a crush on in school, whose name was also Stephanie. I've read that one short story you wrote about a blonde little girl by the name of Stephanie Baker who in the story was an android. That girl was a dead ringer for Adriana, if you ask me.” She then went on with analyzing my attraction towards the name Stephanie... as follows.
She said in the email: “Interestingly, you mentioned to me that the first Stephanie, the one you shared cookies with in school, was not blonde but was a brunette instead. Yet, you honestly do not seem to like brunettes as much as you like blondes I've noticed. Blondes and redheads seem to really do it for you. So yeah, I took all that into account back during our counseling sessions. I wanted to help you to have an outlet for your urges, so that's why I sometimes dressed in that Alice in Wonderland type of dress and various Gothic Lolita dresses when we got on the webcam together. And that is also why I did some age play with you where I acted like a little girl to see how you would react. I noticed it always seemed to increase your sexual desire for me, and those were the nights we got very intimate together the most on the webcam. But yeah, I could tell I was in the process of having a breakdown at the time and knew it was only a matter of time and maybe I might not be able to keep counseling you and helping you out.” She confessed to me that this is why she thought that Chloe would be a good fit for me in life. Since she looks like a little girl, sounds like one, and acts and thinks like one, but is at least legally an adult. She admitted to me this was going way beyond what a therapist is ever supposed to do, but that she felt it was important to help me and so that Chloe could know some happiness in life. That, was exactly at the point where she delved deep into Chloe's... and Madeline's... histories. Chloe had run away from her actual birth parents' home at a very young age, all because her father abused her physically and sexually, and there were even allegations that he was even torturing her with sharp objects and things like that in addition to him having raped her at least once. Chloe's mother was a diagnosed schizophrenic who was so bad off that she just accepted everything her husband did and did not seem to care, preferring to just spend all her time lost in fantasies. What Sybil did not tell about all of this... Chloe filled me in on later on when I finally heard from her at last on Facebook via personal chat message. And, thankfully, their two stories matched up so I knew this was all the truth. Chloe's father went crazy one day and he went after Chloe saying he was going to open her skull and stick a tracking chip in her brain so that she could never be able to escape him. She screamed so loudly that the police showed up, and Chloe jumped out a window and ran away just before the police arrived. Apparently the police as well as the Federal Bureau of Investigation were both after him... and from what Sybil was able to find out about the awful man he lost his high paying tech job he had at the time and was put in prison, where he is to this very day on all kinds of very serious charges. Some having nothing to do with Chloe at all, and many having to do with the company he used to work for. Chloe turned to shoplifting and stealing to get by, and get arrested for it. Sybil warned me that Chloe's biggest problem is that she sometimes has a violent temper, and that it was likely that temper along with the stealing that led to her getting arrested. Then, she told me a little about Madeline and said that Madeline had been taken out of her own birth parent's house to protect her from, in Sybil's precise words: “tons of sexual abuse” that was going on there. After Chloe was arrested she was taken by the state and placed in the foster care system so that she could be adopted into a home that would provide her with a safe environment. Her and Madeline were adopted by the same family, so that is how the two girls met and became friends, since they had to live as sisters during that time. Sybil explained to me that it was Chloe's adopted parents who were the first ones to decide to allow her to go on Hormone Replacement Therapy, so that Chloe could transition from the boy she was born as to the girl she wanted most in life to be. Her first therapist had backed her up on that, and said it would be a good way for Chloe to feel more at ease with herself and comfortable in her body. For reasons that were not explained to me, Chloe and Madeline were both placed back into the foster care system again... and they were both adopted by Sybil's parents after that. So she made it clear, they did not simply take them in, they adopted them legally. Which was different from what I had been led to believe previously, and I was happy to finally know the truth about that as well. So... this makes both Chloe and Madeline Sybil's sisters in the technical and legal sense. Chloe has been on HRT since before she hit puberty, and that is why she has such a light, feminine sounding voice, and why she looks so completely feminine as well.
Sybil remarked in her email that Chloe found it highly distressing for a long time that even after being on HRT since well before puberty ever hit, the small girl never managed to develop in the chest at all... but that, over all the time since then, she has come to terms with the fact that even in that way she will remain looking like a little girl for the rest of her life. As Sybil put it, Chloe is happy for what HRT was able to do for her regardless, so at least that's good. Then Sybil said in the email: “Chloe is basically a bit of a delinquent, if I were to be fully honest about the girl. She is violent, angry a lot of the time, and we have to keep her away from anything she could use as a weapon when she goes too far off the deep end sometimes. She was not like that before my family adopted her, and that was why she was cleared for HRT to begin with. At the most, she had a little bit of a stealing problem, but everyone chalked it up to her having been abused and her parents being such abysmal failures. But, she has gotten a great deal more aggressive in recent years, and I have no idea why or what is causing her to feel that way. She was ten years old when my parents had adopted her and she's been a part of our family ever since. But she's quite honestly a mess, and nothing seems to help that or make it better. She's also sex-obsessed... and I don't know if it is actually because her father raped her or not, but my parents once told me that Chloe always acted very precocious and way too mature and half the time was obsessed with things most girls at a young age simply would never be. Speaking of dark obsessions, though... that brings us to what is wrong with Madeline. She's extremely gloomy, totally death-obsessed, and has been deeply into Goth looks and the whole Goth subculture since way too young of an age if you ask me. I mean, like I said, she was six years old when this really became noticeable and she was four when she and Chloe had first come to live with my parents. Madeline's father used to molest her, and her mother used to beat her a lot. Just like Chloe, she is psychologically damaged and may possess violent and antisocial tendencies. My parents decided that it was best to home school the two kids, and that's what they both did.” Then, she told me a bit about Laura, the woman who Chloe had claimed for the longest time was her sister. I learned that Laura's life was no picnic either, and I learned what her true connection of this family was. Sybil's precise words about Laura were as follows: “Chloe and Madeline still need tutoring about things because mentally they are both still children and probably always will be. This is not a fantasy that they believe about themselves, but a result of all the traumas they suffered in life. Some things they just took to learning slowly, far slower than most kids would have, and I still refer to them as kids because that is how they act, and how they live. My brother hired a woman named Laura to come in and tutor them not long after Mom and Dad died. The trouble is, it turned out Laura had a side job as a prostitute and was encouraging Chloe in various highly inappropriate behaviors that I won't mention to you like ever. You know Laura, you've met on the webcam a couple of times when you got on there with Chloe. She lives with us, and is currently employed as a live-in maid. Chloe looks at her like a sister though, and even though we won't let Laura home school Chloe or Madeline anymore we still have to put up with Laura in our house because she has no place else to live. Initially, she was over at a kind of seedy apartment complex in the absolutely worst part of town, and right after we decided we did not want her as a tutor for the kids anymore Laura got kicked out of her apartment... evicted straight up... for using some very illegal and dangerous drugs that her pimp was dealing her. That was when my brother told her she could move in with us but only if she agreed to see help and get off the drugs. She's clean now, but she's still a mess. Chloe sees her as a kindred spirit and insists on still referring to Laura as her sister but they aren't related in any way, shape, or form. No matter what Chloe believes. Chloe suffers from serious delusions sometimes, and that's one of the worst ones. Laura actually fuels all of Chloe's delusions, so when those two get going it is hard to even mention reality to either of them. Neither want to hear it. Madeline is at least reasonable and will listen to me. Anyway, all that bad stuff with Laura all went down immediately before I lost my psychotherapy practice and had to move out of my apartment I was staying at with my roommate Pamela.” Which brought things to where they were when I first met Sybil on the poetry site.
Which had been my first encounter with Sybil since she was fourteen and we met on a webcam sex site, which was my first introduction to Sybil at all. She went on in the email, stating: “The only reason I had moved away from home to start with, is because I wanted to see if I could maybe make it on my own without my brother's financial help. I couldn't, so now I'm back living at home again and just in time, since now I am able to home school the two kids and teach them right. Which is what I have been busy doing ever since everything went tits up not only on the poetry site but in my business life as well. Long story short, I fucked up by saying certain... things. I fucked up, and there's no taking back any of it now.” She mentioned that while living with Pamela she thought she could help Chloe in the capacity of a therapist, but between divulging too many personal things about both Chloe and I who were both her clients at the time, she ended up losing her practice entirely. In Sybil's precise words: “So, pretty much, when I disclosed certain things on the poetry site to get everyone off yours and Chloe's backs on there... that was crossing the line and a direct violation of who knows how many ethical laws when it comes to the psychotherapy business. Let's just say, my employers at the mental health offices I was working for were NOT pleased and gave me the big old boot for my troubles. See, I was like I said paying for you to receive sessions from me, so yeah they didn't like me airing so much on the poetry site and also getting involved with you in a way that they said just was no longer professional or objective. But... how was I supposed to know that one of my direct higher ups was a fan of that site and following my posts on it to see what I was talking about and posting on there? They stuck their noses as far up my ass as they could and didn't like what they found there. Now, I am barred from ever practicing psychotherapy again. Like, for life! On top of that, I got fined and it was a great deal of money, and my brother had to pay that fine for me so I could avoid even worse legal problems than the ones I was already in. That was when I had a complete mental breakdown, and had to get some help for that myself for a while. In between, while I recovered, my brother was home schooling the kids in between doing his work from home stuff that he normally does. Once I got better, he let me do the honors. We both had to get fully cleared by the home teaching system in this area for the right to teach the children even though they aren't physically actual children anymore... but you get the idea... anyway, we had the chops to be legit tutors and they accepted us so we could do it. That means, if I ever don't feel good, or can't for whatever the reason... my brother can still act as the kids' teacher and tutor in my place. So Laura is fully in the clear now ,and everything is cool here. But yeah, it is a very good thing for sure that the two kids are not in any kind of a regular school... they're too old for that now anyway, but that is beside the point... because, they'd honestly only get kicked out for behaving like they do, they're very antisocial the both of them, truthfully.” Plus... she noted that their various psychological problems would have only brought nothing but trouble for both of them in regular school anyway. So home schooling, and home tutoring once they got older and due to that regular home schooling was not an option any longer, were the only ways to go. She kept referring to their tutoring of the two girls as home schooling, but she did that I realized out of a habit and was in fact referring to home tutoring for adults, instead. Something Chloe was able to clarify for me later on, which had previously puzzled me a little bit due to Sybil's sometimes confusing way of wording things. Sybil explained to me that Chloe's long-time insistence that her current foster mother had died in some kind of plane crash following her leaving for a business trip after having a fight with Laura was just one of Chloe's fantasies caused by her schizophrenia. In reality, the woman had... as Sybil had explained to me in detail... died from lung cancer due to smoking. But in Chloe's mind, she associated smoke with fire, and fire with a crash or an accident... and somehow that got twisted into something else. The fact that Laura was not even living there yet when the woman died, proved that indeed Chloe was believing in a fantasy when she made the claims about the plane crash. Sybil's insistence that she was still living in Salem, came from that having been the state she lived in with her first foster parents. Sybil's parents had adopted the two little girls during a vacation trip to Massachusetts and Chloe always missed Salem.
These days, Sybil mostly allows Chloe and Madeline to do as they please, and though she told me she doesn't always approve of their decisions, she has begun to allow them to have more freedom than they used to be allowed to have. Sybil explained to me that her trips out to Massachusetts to the Institute of Technology there once a year around Christmas are for business related things, since she takes courses at the Institute and works a side job as an assistant in a robotics laboratory there. She said that she is a bit of an overachiever there, always has tons of paperwork to turn in, and is considered quite gifted for the most part. She also helps oversee different projects, and sometimes tinkers with small projects of her own. She is hoping to make a career out of this, which was always something of a lifelong dream she had. This is where Chloe got her delusions about the Massachusetts Institute of Technology from, and probably where her fantasy about being a robot or an android first began. She may have been a bit lonely one Christmas when Sybil had to go out there to work and wished she was involved in that work herself. The fantasy escalated from there. So most of Chloe's fantasies can be attributed to things in her personal life and family life. Sybil also told me that she uses her trips out to Massachusetts as an excuse to check in with her former roommate Pamela's family who lives out there, and about whom Pamela is prone to worrying about. As Sybil put it in the email: “It gives me an excuse to visit Pamela's relatives who live out there. I still do like to keep in touch with my old roommate... and she likes me to check in with her family out east form time to time to make sure they're doing okay since she herself isn't really on speaking terms with them because they don't support her radical views about climate and ecology activism. But she still loves them and worries about them big time. I can't believe I actually used to date Pamela for a while! It was just after I got you and Chloe together... around January. Her and I dating... it was mostly all Pamela's idea, but she is pretty I guess so I figured it might be fun to mess around with her and just see where it took us. I always planned for it to just be a bit of a side thing since I still have strong feelings for you, Kara... so, it wasn't like I wanted anything all that serious from her or anything like that. Just a bit of fun on the side, kind of a distraction from my life's daily grind. Anyway, we dated until April, and that was when I realized she was nuts. I like her, sure, but she's totally bad, bad nuts and I just can't love someone who is THAT nuts. Or I should say that kind of nuts. Since sure you're crazy... and technically I'm crazy too... but with us it's a familiar, comfortable kind of crazy. I love our kind of crazy! Pamela is the kind of crazy that actually scares me a lot, so she and I agreed to just stay as being friends and that's it. So now I'm back holding a candle in my heart for you. Yeah, I know I'm messed up! Probably obsessed, too. A psychological fuck-up! So much so, I'm never dating other people ever again. I have be a full time mother figure for Chloe now, and as far as I'm honestly concerned you're the best father figure she could ever have.” Chloe does sometimes call me “Daddy” and I never tell her that she can't. It is one of the things she needs to most from me, in addition to me being her husband. And all I want, is for her to be happy, so that is what I try to ensure for her. Sybil finished her email to me with the words: “You don't have to worry about what Mommy thinks of what you and Chloe have going on. I'm the mommy figure now, and as far as I'm concerned Mommy approves. Well, I don't actually really approve so much of everything you two always get up to... but I understand it, and I am never going to stand in the way of what you and Chloe have together. And whatever ends up being between you and Madeline, I can live with that too. She's already fucked up, it isn't like you could do anything worse to her than has been done already to her in life. Yeah, I'm probably crazy! None of this is normal, but at least I'm dealing with it all and I'm hanging in there. I love you, Kara, no matter what. I don't care if it's wrong that I do... especially given how messed up in the head you are... but you're my pudding and I think you are sweet.” After that, she complained about her brother for a bit and that was the end of the email. On Facebook, Chloe confirmed everything to be true and we had a pleasant time chatting for a couple of hours, during which Chloe opened up to me about everything she had ever held back from me about revealing before. The following night... Chloe, Madeline and I were all on the webcam together.
During our Facebook chat, Chloe explained to me that she takes some anti-psychotic medications for her schizophrenia symptoms, including aripiprazole... which is also called Abilify. She told me that she is able to remember that one the best because it has such a “catchy” name to it. Chloe then explained to me the reason why she had been unable to contact me for so long... and it was the same thing Sybil had told me... it was because Chloe's schizophrenia symptoms had gotten so bad, that she could not get out of bed, and they had to try upping the dosage steadily until reaching a dosage that worked better for her. Once they reached a dosage that worked better, she was okay again... and Sybil and her got a hold of me as soon as that was resolved. Madeline had only not told me, Chloe explained, because she did not want to worry me about any of this until it was all taken care of. It was not awkward at all, the webcam date I had with both Chloe and Madeline on the cam with me... if anything I think them both knowing the full depth of my feelings for both of them, made there exist a unique and special bond between the three of us that was not present before. I will not say what transpired between the three of us, but it was magical and beautiful and amazing. Like nothing I have ever experienced before! I am looking forward to when next we go on another such play date together, because I cannot wait to see both Chloe and Maddy. If it is honestly possible for three people to be soulmates to teach other at the same time, I believe that is the kind of bond that exists between the three of us. We have a sort of polyamory going on, and it makes us happy above all other things in this world, in this universe even! I told Zoey about it, and thought that it would surely make them angry to hear me mention this... by them I mean Zoey, since Zoey is living just between male and female genders right now and prefers it if I use non-binary pronouns to describe them when referring to them online and in my writings. So anyway, I thought Zoey would be extremely angry out of jealousy or something, but they totally understood, and gave me their fullest blessings to pursue my polyamorous relationship with Chloe and Maddy as far as it can possibly go. Zoey even said to me half jokingly: “I always had a strong feeling I would end up having to take care of kids in life... now it just looks like I'll be having to take care of three kids. It's okay, we'll make it work!” The third kid being me... since mentally (literally half the time if not way, way more than that) I am on the same age level that Chloe and Maddy are at in their heads as well. For a long time before Sybil diagnosed me, I knew that I had minor attracted tendencies, and I had discussed this with Zoey quite often. They didn't mind, didn't judge me, and didn't leave me over it either. Their reaction was the same as Sybil's... to figure out ways of helping me to live with this, come to terms with it, and accept that it was simply something that I was born with, as such conditions are, and to still be a good person regardless of it being considered a bad thing in society's eyes. Plus, as Zoey pointed out to me once, I am mentally on a child's level and on top of that I have a below average IQ that actually bothers me to think about because below average for one's IQ is very, very bad indeed also in society's eyes. Which makes the ways in which I am smart all that much more special, surprising, and amazing to realize! So this is all a lot to process for me right at this time... I feel much less on the verge of insanity now that Chloe is back in my life and now that I'm involved with her and Maddy both. I was half afraid such a thing would never be possible, but like so very many things in my life... the impossible is sometimes the only possibility that makes any sense at all once all else has been exhausted or eliminated from consideration. Although she is no longer a valid psychotherapist, Sybil has continued to counsel me and help me with my various psychiatric problems. I have come to realize, she is a good person after all, and I value her in my life quite highly! Even with all of the mistakes she has made. But I've made worse ones in my life, and bounced back from them, so I could never judge someone like her in any case. I may write more tomorrow, but this will have to be it for now. It is almost 7:00 PM, and that is the precise hour that Chloe, Maddy and I have set for out little play date for tonight. Something I've been looking forward to all day! After that, I have a lot of things to think about, consider, process and understand about myself and my life still further. It might be later by the time I actually post this to the poetry site, which is okay. In the meantime... it is time for happiness!
Published 22nd Aug 2023
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