The Suicide Rubric

At the end of a defeating day
Or after a profound disappointment
Or just because life
has a mandatory suck factor
I'll sometimes casually state
that I want to kill myself

It's my form of drama
and more innocuous
than drama that hurts others
unless you're stuck in an elevator with me when I'm in a fit of self pity
But I usually get over it quickly,
and I'll make you laugh after, or even during it

The responses to my pithy or pitiful decrees of wanting to exit the planet
of course range in quality.

Coworker: Jeez, don't do that. There's already so many ways to die. Just let life do it for you.
Grade: B. Intriguing.

Close male friend: If that's the right thing for you, I understand.
Grade: C-  Okay, cool. Wanna help? Right, aim it at me. Now pull the tr....

DUP Friend: Don't touch that dial!
Grade: A. Nice combination of cut the crap and I like you alive.

My dad the doctor: Everyone thinks about killing themselves sometimes.
Grade: B. Grade is based on my dad knowing me, knowing it wasn't that bad, etc.it normalized the feeling and helped me see it as just moderate despair.

Too many people: Things will get better! Or You have so much to be grateful for!
Grade: D . Such platitudes translate to " Eww, don't get your pain near me!" Leaving one feeling lonely and unheard.

Empathetic people: Why are you saying that? What's bothering you? Or How can I help?
Grade: A

Me to myself: You're gotten through this before. Go for a walk. Rearrange the closet. Call someone. If it's the middle of the night, call the suicide line. Really It would be better than the alternative.
Grade: B

Maybe even A.