deepundergroundpoetry.com
Raspberry Fields
I climb up high one foot on one rock until I reach the top
The sky is that perfect blended orange in reddish pink
Sitting on this wall I look over the raspberry fields
Red berries glimmering in that sunset light
Shimmering jewels in their safety net of thorns
If only I could have that... To drape myself in thorns
Protecting this raspberry heart from the world
The intrusive thoughts cloud my mind and I close my eyes
Trust fall into raspberry fields under sherbet sky
One can't tell the sweet juice and the dark ruby blood
Thorns finally protecting my heart and the world is perfect
The sky is that perfect blended orange in reddish pink
Sitting on this wall I look over the raspberry fields
Red berries glimmering in that sunset light
Shimmering jewels in their safety net of thorns
If only I could have that... To drape myself in thorns
Protecting this raspberry heart from the world
The intrusive thoughts cloud my mind and I close my eyes
Trust fall into raspberry fields under sherbet sky
One can't tell the sweet juice and the dark ruby blood
Thorns finally protecting my heart and the world is perfect
Published 20th May 2023
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likes 6
reading list entries 3
comments 10
reads 242
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
20th May 2023 5:03pm
20th May 2023 8:46pm
20th May 2023 6:54pm
20th May 2023 8:46pm
20th May 2023 10:05pm
It is rather lush in description, which is wonderful, even though you are describing a sense of being alone and in loss, there is beauty in the open exposition of it. Metaphors have good alacrity as well. From my perspective and how I write, my only advice would be to slow it down a bit, perhaps by breaking into shorter stanzas, which place more emphasis and create pauses, or perhaps to stream of consciousness a bit and connect the threads of different moments. I miss Strangeways_Rob's incredible sense of presence he imbues in his descriptions of the environment. If he starts posting again, I'd highly recommend checking out his writing techniques.
This does not detract at all from the unique and powerful way you throw yourself open, which is what I have always connected strongly with.
This does not detract at all from the unique and powerful way you throw yourself open, which is what I have always connected strongly with.
21st May 2023 4:06pm
21st May 2023 8:36pm
21st May 2023 8:36pm
25th Jun 2023 7:45am
I also like the allegory of the wall, as if one has to climb in order to see inside. It's a wonderful heartfelt piece.
Hope all is well.
Hope all is well.
26th Jun 2023 2:48am
I love using the visual of walls in poetry. They're everything. Protection symbolism is one of my favorite things.
