Variable rewards

Once upon a time, it happened.
I shared my heart, and I felt it --
connection - deep and true
intense, exhilarating
I was seen
  beheld
     beloved.
Once is all it took
to get me hooked.

It's my secret addiction now.
No one knows,
(because the tears fall in silence)
and I can do it with a straight face.
This emotional risk-taking --
casually cutting out,
carelessly handing over
a sliver of my very soul
just for the chance of connecting again.

They say variable rewards
are the driver of addiction,
and a rat will endure electric shocks
for the chance of another fix.
I guess I'm the rat.

Variable are the rewards I seek.

There's no predicting when you'll
receive my bits of heart with joy,
and when you'll disregard
and walk right over them
with clumsy, shocking feet.
It's not your fault --
you're just being you,
as I'm being me.

But the anticipation of jackpot
keeps me pulling that lever,
And I'll probably keep enduring the bruises,
carving out slices for you,
betting on the long odds
until there's nothing left.