deepundergroundpoetry.com
Days Go By
[Day 27.2746.107.1]
As I walked into the giant, parabolic shaped hangar, the fading stench of the old blood and uncleaned floors wreaked havoc upon my nostrils. They burned as though someone was taking a match to the inside of my nose. As I walked further into the room it smelled of old sweat and stale and rotting food. The floors were stained with the remains of those that had failed before and the walls were soaked with the screams of pain and suffering. And yet they were sturdy. Firm. Un-resilient in their fight to be nothing more than a structure.
My personification precedes that of my fore-thought.
The windows all along the top ring of the room acted as a blinding flood-gate of pure energy from the outside world. They all left their own personal streaks of light and heat on the floor as if they all enclosed their own personal sources of power. The leaking anti-dark was touching about the middle of the enormous room as the suns were still fairly elevated about the horizon.
The dual-sun center of the system of which we orbited within were always above us, so long as you knew what you were told was true. “Never Question” was the slogan of the Existence but even they couldn’t stop the feeling of non-knowledge that seemed to exist everywhere. We all felt like we didn’t know the truth and we needed to do some real digging to discover the new truth. But, how were we to discover the future if we didn’t need to look anywhere for the answers? I knew they all already knew that but it didn’t matter to me because it wasn’t my place to wonder. My friends had said that if you pass, you can move up to the newer levels, so maybe if I succeed then I will discover more.
When I was younger I used to like to pretend like the world was different. That the life we inhabited for the partial time being was simply a trial period before we get to move into the real world. The real world of freedom and choices and whatever you wanted to do. I used to think that maybe once you graduated away from Searcher you became a real world individual. But that all changed once I discovered the truth: there is nothing more than this. It just continues forward forever but never into the future.
“Please turn the wall clock to 10:35.”
The Recruiter’s first words since we entered the room cut through my thoughts. I hadn’t even considered the wall decorations that bordered the round we were in. I took a quick glance around to see that there was nothing. No wonder I hadn’t noticed the clock, it blended into the background of the wall and there was nothing to draw my eye-sight. I knew that there was nothing to look at but there was nothing to pull my eyes away and I felt compelled to continue my visual assault of inspection upon my cage bars.
The walls all contained the same design that I had seen everywhere else. The faded, rust-colored red bled from the top of the walls where the windows met the solid blocks. The blocks held the differing levels of saturated blacks and grays. I always felt like the style that had surrounded my entire life was simply hiding deeper and darker secrets. Maybe there was a paint job from before but it was changed uniformly to make sure there was nothing to look at. I had noticed the gaps in the logs from the past but people always told me those were simply lapses in computer exaction and extraction. That there weren’t erased areas but forgotten moments that went without log.
It then dawned on me that it was an old Earth analog. I hadn’t seen one of those except for in the history text logs.
“But the time is 375 galactic. Why would we be using an obsolete piece of refuse?”
“DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS.”
I jumped as the new voice shocked my reaction time. My Recruiter glanced and glared at me letting me know that I had said the wrong thing.
“Do what you are supposed to do and do not stop unless I tell you to.”
My Recruiter looked up towards the camera at the front of the room with a confused and concerned look on his face.
“Do not listen to anyone but myself. Recruiter, stand off to the side and do not say a word or make a single gesture towards the member in question. If you do, we will have grounds for immediate dismissal.”
By the look on my Recruiter’s face I knew that this was all different and new. I felt like there was something going on that I didn’t know about, or more importantly, that I wasn’t supposed to know about. Oh well, I figured that it was time I showed what I was supposed to do. I began.
[Day 27.2746.107.0]
"Trust me sir..."
"'Leader', not 'sir'." I cut the Recruiter off as I was supposed to do in that situation. We are never allowed to let that language hang in the forefront "There are no words of that sort. Do I have to tell you again?"
"No, s-, Leader"
The bite and cadence in his voice implied his still continued contempt for the system but I let it slide again, for the millionth time.
Or was it the first time?
The sheer number of possibilities I had been through was astounding and because of the heightened stacks of failures, the past seemed to blend together and faces began to merge in my mind. I lost count after I crossed 1300 and didn't care to bother to even try to count after 1900. It was too many to imagine.
My predecessor told me to count because when I reach that number, I will want to know the truth, but she-- "Past Iteration", got to the number in less than one-hundred and I couldn't even compare.
Even I did it. How could I chastise the Recruiter on their language if even I didn't follow the rules in my own Thought-Crime?
The Orwellian truth snapped my mind back to the present.
"He-, the newest Recruit is going to be perfect. The previous-iterations cannot possibly stand up to the newest version's perfection. I know this will be the one."
I thought about what the Recruiter was saying and I felt like I had heard those exact words before. Maybe from their own lips during the previous 10 times. Maybe from the previous 10 Recruiters. Maybe from no one but my own mind and memory that I had created. Who really knows? Maybe I had said those words before when I was a Recruiter in my own right.
I cut my current Recruiter off before he could continue on for more pointless excursion, “Thank you for your valuable information but please, I do not need to know any of this. Just move on with your day and training and let your Recruit do your talking.”
I knew I was supposed to find my replacement, like those before me, but no one could replace me. I knew that now. None of them passed. None of them ever did. They always failed before they even got started with their newest person. It pissed me off when they tried to compete with my expectations.
“Away with you and have a fine displacement.”
Our required farewell signaled to the Recruiter that our conversation had come to an end and that there were to be no further words spoken.
As he walked away, I knew that I had sent him on a fool’s errand because he still would not be succeeding. Maybe it was time for another change.
[Day 27.2746.107.2]
I had been in this position before. Many times before. I felt like it was just routine at this point, but there was something different. There was something that was pulling at me that made me think that this day was going to be different. Something was going to happen and I was going to be moving up.
I walked into the room where I worked every day. I heard my feet hitting the floor as I walked but I couldn’t feel them. It felt as if I was simply floating across the floor. It didn’t feel like I was moving. My mind was telling me that it didn’t matter what had happened before this day because this was going to be the best day of my life. I had finally done what I was set out to do and complete. My first Completion.
I knew I was right. I knew that this one was going to be different. I had kept count like I was told to do so by my friends and as it turns out, 107 is my lucky number. I knew there was something different about today.
I looked up towards the windows as the suns rose over the crest of my vision. They bathed me in infinite power, or so it felt. I was glowing. There was nothing that was going to stop me this day or ever again.
I remember when I was first told the stories of first real successes of your own and they were right. Of course I had succeeded on my own when I was a Recruit but having chosen someone else to succeed is a much better feeling. The stories didn’t even complete the whole feeling of utter ecstasy of true happiness when it all works out for the first time.
I stood on my mark just off-center of the room where the sunlight was just tickling the bottom of my clothing. The room felt different than it had before because I knew what was coming, true success. I didn’t know how to react but I felt like this was going to be the strangest thing ever, but the best day of my life.
I heard the door open from the backside of the room, where my recruit was entering from, and I heard the strong steps of someone who knew they had succeeded for themselves and for me. I felt the body walk directly over next to me and take the mark next to me, also just off-center of the room, opposite me. I looked briefly to my left and after exchanging simple and quick eye-contact with my disciple I nodded, letting them know that the world was about to become much better for both of us.
We stood there for almost no time at all because as soon as the suns and simply reached my knees the large door in front of us slammed open as my Searcher strolled into the area.
“Hello and welcome to the first day of both of your new lives.”
I was right. I knew I was right. It was time to become the Searcher and continue on my path forward.
“As you both probably already know by my reaction, the future is something that you need not be afraid of since you are both moving upwards and towards a new beginning. The start is tomorrow and I want to be there first hand to help you. You will be assigned new people to follow so there is not a conflict of interest on any parts.”
The smile on my face was spreading as the blood flushed my body. I knew that I had finally succeeded and there was nowhere to go but up.
The Searcher turned around to a camera monitor that hung above the doorway that was always watching and made two hand signals, one with the left hand and one with the right. I had never seen a hand signal with the right hand which must mean that it was a signal for me, since I had never had something signaled about me; it was a flat palm that ended in a closed fist. The one from the left I had never seen before but it seemed to be a close derivative of the one about which failure was used; a quick flash of an open palm ending in a closed fist meant death and this was a quick flash up ending in a point.
I knew I was right.
The Searcher turned around and looked at us both. The expression was the same as always but there was something different about the eyes which meant they knew that there was a good change coming.
“You, Recruit, you shall return to your residence and report back exactly here tomorrow and normal call-time. That is when you will begin your newest assignment. Leave now and do not look back.”
That was new. The Searcher never separated the Recruit from the Recruiter when there was a failure, they simply ended the life of the Recruit in front of the Recruiter to create more incentive to get things right. Maybe because it was a success there were different protocols in place for that circumstance. I wasn’t sure but I heard the door at the back entrance slam, signaling the exit of my successful pupil.
“You now walk through the door at the front and do not look back.”
I knew that the Searcher was talking to me and I proudly strolled forward to my newest successes and newest assignments. I had never been through this door but I knew that I would be walking through it many more times. The blast doors slid open to reveal a dark room that looked like the best place to be.
As the former-Recruiter walked forward into the darkened room the doors slid shut behind and the final shots rang out across the whole hall signaling the end of another frivolous endeavor.
[Day 27.2747.1.0]
As I walked into the giant room that was to be my new environment I knew that I really had a chance for once. Maybe this time I will actually be able to apply myself. I knew they must have taken a chance upon me but I hoped it would really be panning out for me. The Searcher from yesterday was already standing, waiting for me.
“Hello young Recruiter and welcome to your first day in your new life. You will be setting out for a very important mission to discover and present to me your brand new replacement that will force you to be graduated.”
“Why am I with you? I thought you said that I was to be relocated.”
“Wrong young Recruiter, you merely felt like I had implied that upon you. You were always meant to work with me because your former Recruiter has failed me once again. You must take their place and be what you were always supposed to be, successful.”
As I walked into the giant, parabolic shaped hangar, the fading stench of the old blood and uncleaned floors wreaked havoc upon my nostrils. They burned as though someone was taking a match to the inside of my nose. As I walked further into the room it smelled of old sweat and stale and rotting food. The floors were stained with the remains of those that had failed before and the walls were soaked with the screams of pain and suffering. And yet they were sturdy. Firm. Un-resilient in their fight to be nothing more than a structure.
My personification precedes that of my fore-thought.
The windows all along the top ring of the room acted as a blinding flood-gate of pure energy from the outside world. They all left their own personal streaks of light and heat on the floor as if they all enclosed their own personal sources of power. The leaking anti-dark was touching about the middle of the enormous room as the suns were still fairly elevated about the horizon.
The dual-sun center of the system of which we orbited within were always above us, so long as you knew what you were told was true. “Never Question” was the slogan of the Existence but even they couldn’t stop the feeling of non-knowledge that seemed to exist everywhere. We all felt like we didn’t know the truth and we needed to do some real digging to discover the new truth. But, how were we to discover the future if we didn’t need to look anywhere for the answers? I knew they all already knew that but it didn’t matter to me because it wasn’t my place to wonder. My friends had said that if you pass, you can move up to the newer levels, so maybe if I succeed then I will discover more.
When I was younger I used to like to pretend like the world was different. That the life we inhabited for the partial time being was simply a trial period before we get to move into the real world. The real world of freedom and choices and whatever you wanted to do. I used to think that maybe once you graduated away from Searcher you became a real world individual. But that all changed once I discovered the truth: there is nothing more than this. It just continues forward forever but never into the future.
“Please turn the wall clock to 10:35.”
The Recruiter’s first words since we entered the room cut through my thoughts. I hadn’t even considered the wall decorations that bordered the round we were in. I took a quick glance around to see that there was nothing. No wonder I hadn’t noticed the clock, it blended into the background of the wall and there was nothing to draw my eye-sight. I knew that there was nothing to look at but there was nothing to pull my eyes away and I felt compelled to continue my visual assault of inspection upon my cage bars.
The walls all contained the same design that I had seen everywhere else. The faded, rust-colored red bled from the top of the walls where the windows met the solid blocks. The blocks held the differing levels of saturated blacks and grays. I always felt like the style that had surrounded my entire life was simply hiding deeper and darker secrets. Maybe there was a paint job from before but it was changed uniformly to make sure there was nothing to look at. I had noticed the gaps in the logs from the past but people always told me those were simply lapses in computer exaction and extraction. That there weren’t erased areas but forgotten moments that went without log.
It then dawned on me that it was an old Earth analog. I hadn’t seen one of those except for in the history text logs.
“But the time is 375 galactic. Why would we be using an obsolete piece of refuse?”
“DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS.”
I jumped as the new voice shocked my reaction time. My Recruiter glanced and glared at me letting me know that I had said the wrong thing.
“Do what you are supposed to do and do not stop unless I tell you to.”
My Recruiter looked up towards the camera at the front of the room with a confused and concerned look on his face.
“Do not listen to anyone but myself. Recruiter, stand off to the side and do not say a word or make a single gesture towards the member in question. If you do, we will have grounds for immediate dismissal.”
By the look on my Recruiter’s face I knew that this was all different and new. I felt like there was something going on that I didn’t know about, or more importantly, that I wasn’t supposed to know about. Oh well, I figured that it was time I showed what I was supposed to do. I began.
[Day 27.2746.107.0]
"Trust me sir..."
"'Leader', not 'sir'." I cut the Recruiter off as I was supposed to do in that situation. We are never allowed to let that language hang in the forefront "There are no words of that sort. Do I have to tell you again?"
"No, s-, Leader"
The bite and cadence in his voice implied his still continued contempt for the system but I let it slide again, for the millionth time.
Or was it the first time?
The sheer number of possibilities I had been through was astounding and because of the heightened stacks of failures, the past seemed to blend together and faces began to merge in my mind. I lost count after I crossed 1300 and didn't care to bother to even try to count after 1900. It was too many to imagine.
My predecessor told me to count because when I reach that number, I will want to know the truth, but she-- "Past Iteration", got to the number in less than one-hundred and I couldn't even compare.
Even I did it. How could I chastise the Recruiter on their language if even I didn't follow the rules in my own Thought-Crime?
The Orwellian truth snapped my mind back to the present.
"He-, the newest Recruit is going to be perfect. The previous-iterations cannot possibly stand up to the newest version's perfection. I know this will be the one."
I thought about what the Recruiter was saying and I felt like I had heard those exact words before. Maybe from their own lips during the previous 10 times. Maybe from the previous 10 Recruiters. Maybe from no one but my own mind and memory that I had created. Who really knows? Maybe I had said those words before when I was a Recruiter in my own right.
I cut my current Recruiter off before he could continue on for more pointless excursion, “Thank you for your valuable information but please, I do not need to know any of this. Just move on with your day and training and let your Recruit do your talking.”
I knew I was supposed to find my replacement, like those before me, but no one could replace me. I knew that now. None of them passed. None of them ever did. They always failed before they even got started with their newest person. It pissed me off when they tried to compete with my expectations.
“Away with you and have a fine displacement.”
Our required farewell signaled to the Recruiter that our conversation had come to an end and that there were to be no further words spoken.
As he walked away, I knew that I had sent him on a fool’s errand because he still would not be succeeding. Maybe it was time for another change.
[Day 27.2746.107.2]
I had been in this position before. Many times before. I felt like it was just routine at this point, but there was something different. There was something that was pulling at me that made me think that this day was going to be different. Something was going to happen and I was going to be moving up.
I walked into the room where I worked every day. I heard my feet hitting the floor as I walked but I couldn’t feel them. It felt as if I was simply floating across the floor. It didn’t feel like I was moving. My mind was telling me that it didn’t matter what had happened before this day because this was going to be the best day of my life. I had finally done what I was set out to do and complete. My first Completion.
I knew I was right. I knew that this one was going to be different. I had kept count like I was told to do so by my friends and as it turns out, 107 is my lucky number. I knew there was something different about today.
I looked up towards the windows as the suns rose over the crest of my vision. They bathed me in infinite power, or so it felt. I was glowing. There was nothing that was going to stop me this day or ever again.
I remember when I was first told the stories of first real successes of your own and they were right. Of course I had succeeded on my own when I was a Recruit but having chosen someone else to succeed is a much better feeling. The stories didn’t even complete the whole feeling of utter ecstasy of true happiness when it all works out for the first time.
I stood on my mark just off-center of the room where the sunlight was just tickling the bottom of my clothing. The room felt different than it had before because I knew what was coming, true success. I didn’t know how to react but I felt like this was going to be the strangest thing ever, but the best day of my life.
I heard the door open from the backside of the room, where my recruit was entering from, and I heard the strong steps of someone who knew they had succeeded for themselves and for me. I felt the body walk directly over next to me and take the mark next to me, also just off-center of the room, opposite me. I looked briefly to my left and after exchanging simple and quick eye-contact with my disciple I nodded, letting them know that the world was about to become much better for both of us.
We stood there for almost no time at all because as soon as the suns and simply reached my knees the large door in front of us slammed open as my Searcher strolled into the area.
“Hello and welcome to the first day of both of your new lives.”
I was right. I knew I was right. It was time to become the Searcher and continue on my path forward.
“As you both probably already know by my reaction, the future is something that you need not be afraid of since you are both moving upwards and towards a new beginning. The start is tomorrow and I want to be there first hand to help you. You will be assigned new people to follow so there is not a conflict of interest on any parts.”
The smile on my face was spreading as the blood flushed my body. I knew that I had finally succeeded and there was nowhere to go but up.
The Searcher turned around to a camera monitor that hung above the doorway that was always watching and made two hand signals, one with the left hand and one with the right. I had never seen a hand signal with the right hand which must mean that it was a signal for me, since I had never had something signaled about me; it was a flat palm that ended in a closed fist. The one from the left I had never seen before but it seemed to be a close derivative of the one about which failure was used; a quick flash of an open palm ending in a closed fist meant death and this was a quick flash up ending in a point.
I knew I was right.
The Searcher turned around and looked at us both. The expression was the same as always but there was something different about the eyes which meant they knew that there was a good change coming.
“You, Recruit, you shall return to your residence and report back exactly here tomorrow and normal call-time. That is when you will begin your newest assignment. Leave now and do not look back.”
That was new. The Searcher never separated the Recruit from the Recruiter when there was a failure, they simply ended the life of the Recruit in front of the Recruiter to create more incentive to get things right. Maybe because it was a success there were different protocols in place for that circumstance. I wasn’t sure but I heard the door at the back entrance slam, signaling the exit of my successful pupil.
“You now walk through the door at the front and do not look back.”
I knew that the Searcher was talking to me and I proudly strolled forward to my newest successes and newest assignments. I had never been through this door but I knew that I would be walking through it many more times. The blast doors slid open to reveal a dark room that looked like the best place to be.
As the former-Recruiter walked forward into the darkened room the doors slid shut behind and the final shots rang out across the whole hall signaling the end of another frivolous endeavor.
[Day 27.2747.1.0]
As I walked into the giant room that was to be my new environment I knew that I really had a chance for once. Maybe this time I will actually be able to apply myself. I knew they must have taken a chance upon me but I hoped it would really be panning out for me. The Searcher from yesterday was already standing, waiting for me.
“Hello young Recruiter and welcome to your first day in your new life. You will be setting out for a very important mission to discover and present to me your brand new replacement that will force you to be graduated.”
“Why am I with you? I thought you said that I was to be relocated.”
“Wrong young Recruiter, you merely felt like I had implied that upon you. You were always meant to work with me because your former Recruiter has failed me once again. You must take their place and be what you were always supposed to be, successful.”
Published 12th Jan 2023
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Anonymous
- Edited 12th Jan 2023 7:15pm
12th Jan 2023 7:10pm
"My personification precedes that of my fore-thought. "
Is often is. And then we either act sparkling and lovely and loving and fun and everything is cool and we continue to traipse through life that day, feeling as though we did good, expressed love, and our intern ourselves, lovable, and received love from those we love and the strangers and acquaintances around us
Or we do roughly the opposite, and we do a common thing, and we react to some small thing, and our reaction causes anger, or hurt, or discord in other persons, or even just embarrassment within ourselves, and a feeling, we have acted out allowed ourselves, to be perceived in ways that deserve less than credit from the persons reacted to forward to seeing acting by.
Flip sides of coin. We are all being perpetually wonderful beautiful people at the same time were often being dicks and assholes and jerks. And then we feel embarrassed about ourselves.
But on the opposite flipside, when one's internal persona precedes forethought in a way (probably the most common way) which turns into a moment in which we feel fun or beloved, we feel great.
But we don't even notice it when that happens because that's the usual. It takes a hell of a lot of conscious aforethought to be continually aware of personification of persona as it happens, because usually the personification of our persona in public or towards others (a process which continually occurs inside every person) occurs in ways which we like, are happy with, causes no one justifiable I'll feelings, and ourselves no embarrassment. Usually we only notice after the fact that is occurred when we fell down and then tripped ourselves.
So really, whatever it is, don't worry about it. We move on and do better in the future.
I spent years and years feeling badly about myself every single instance. It took increments upon increments of power increments increments of slowly fighting together and accumulating hold onto those increments of betterment. But that's because the worlds a fucked up place. We are all continually fighting so many headwinds which have been placed there before and within ourselves before we were even grownup individuals. We can beat ourselves up for dayz, and feel bad unto terribleness about ourselves over the smallest little things which sometimes can loop and loop in memory in then played themselves out IRL again the next time we're out and feeling ill of heart, but most of that is an illusion carried about within ourselves, the feelings of woe me I fucked up and everybody hates me and I deserve it forever and should be seen disgustedly.
I'm rambling now, and shall shut up and withdraw.
Em
Is often is. And then we either act sparkling and lovely and loving and fun and everything is cool and we continue to traipse through life that day, feeling as though we did good, expressed love, and our intern ourselves, lovable, and received love from those we love and the strangers and acquaintances around us
Or we do roughly the opposite, and we do a common thing, and we react to some small thing, and our reaction causes anger, or hurt, or discord in other persons, or even just embarrassment within ourselves, and a feeling, we have acted out allowed ourselves, to be perceived in ways that deserve less than credit from the persons reacted to forward to seeing acting by.
Flip sides of coin. We are all being perpetually wonderful beautiful people at the same time were often being dicks and assholes and jerks. And then we feel embarrassed about ourselves.
But on the opposite flipside, when one's internal persona precedes forethought in a way (probably the most common way) which turns into a moment in which we feel fun or beloved, we feel great.
But we don't even notice it when that happens because that's the usual. It takes a hell of a lot of conscious aforethought to be continually aware of personification of persona as it happens, because usually the personification of our persona in public or towards others (a process which continually occurs inside every person) occurs in ways which we like, are happy with, causes no one justifiable I'll feelings, and ourselves no embarrassment. Usually we only notice after the fact that is occurred when we fell down and then tripped ourselves.
So really, whatever it is, don't worry about it. We move on and do better in the future.
I spent years and years feeling badly about myself every single instance. It took increments upon increments of power increments increments of slowly fighting together and accumulating hold onto those increments of betterment. But that's because the worlds a fucked up place. We are all continually fighting so many headwinds which have been placed there before and within ourselves before we were even grownup individuals. We can beat ourselves up for dayz, and feel bad unto terribleness about ourselves over the smallest little things which sometimes can loop and loop in memory in then played themselves out IRL again the next time we're out and feeling ill of heart, but most of that is an illusion carried about within ourselves, the feelings of woe me I fucked up and everybody hates me and I deserve it forever and should be seen disgustedly.
I'm rambling now, and shall shut up and withdraw.
Em
