she left more than scars behind

Some days I hate myself
like my reflection hasn't changed
in 15 years and I'm still the same person
who held all her lies
like they were precious gemstones
that could be compressed
into something honest
with enough time, pressure and love

But she didn't love me
couldn't love me
when she was too busy
chasing more interesting demons
than a quiet lover at home
and then resented me
for chasing my own adventures

Some days it feels like karma
like I'm forever paying for who I am
it's just taken half a life time to get here

And I have to remember
that you're not her
that your hands don't leave bruises
when we fight over stupid things
and that your mouth doesn't find
other bodies and then lies to me
with the tongue that licked temptation
before begging me to stay

She was never sorry
she just wanted someone to come home to
when she was done chasing dragons
she didn't care to wake up next to

Because I know you sleep better
when you're next to me
and I love the way
your body untangles itself
when I wrap arms around you
and the way you lose your words and
your breath whenever I press my lips to yours
in a passion that hasn't dimmed in years

But sometimes I still get scared
and remember her and the way
she loved me wrong
the way she held me close
while ripping me to shreds
and pretending like we
could fix what was never meant to be

I fear your boredom
I fear someone else's hands
and mouth and mind
will offer you more
than what I have to offer

I fear that my love is not enough

Some days I hate myself
and it has nothing to do with you

I remember the bruises
her hands left
on my arms and in my brain
and the way she made me feel unloveable

So when you tell me I'm amazing
it's hard to believe
because no one else
has ever made me feel that way before

© Indie Adams 2022