deepundergroundpoetry.com
Rain
My mood betrays me
sometimes I need
blue skies to smile
I'm tired of the cold
hands pressed against frigid glass
praying for a break in the grey
But the grey doesn't move
it settles in its blinding grim existence
and refuses to cease its tears
that drown out everything else
until nothing is left
but sadness in my hands
and a chill in my soul
that craves sunshine and blue skies
My mood betrays me
© Indie Adams 2022
sometimes I need
blue skies to smile
I'm tired of the cold
hands pressed against frigid glass
praying for a break in the grey
But the grey doesn't move
it settles in its blinding grim existence
and refuses to cease its tears
that drown out everything else
until nothing is left
but sadness in my hands
and a chill in my soul
that craves sunshine and blue skies
My mood betrays me
© Indie Adams 2022
Published 1st Jul 2022
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 8
reading list entries 3
comments 4
reads 364
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
2nd Jul 2022 00:11am
2nd Jul 2022 00:22am
Can't do anything but feel the suffocation of the grey through this. The rain is a well-used metaphor here, because it's so relatable to long for those blue skies again during long periods of rain, so it can be read with a surface level understanding of wanting the end of gloomy weather. Or we can go deeper, where it's about the emotional grey, and the difficultly of finding sunshine, no matter what the sky looks like. Really evocative.
Because you have listed this for honest critique, I have one little bitty suggestion for this line:
it settles in its blinding grim existence --- I think you could remove "its" from this line. You have it/its twice here, and "its" again in the line following this one. Just something that wasn't quite a hiccup, but the repetition was noticed. It would still read well without "its" and feels a little more stark to my ear/eye getting right to the imagery of it being blinding grim existence without reiterating the pronoun.
Because you have listed this for honest critique, I have one little bitty suggestion for this line:
it settles in its blinding grim existence --- I think you could remove "its" from this line. You have it/its twice here, and "its" again in the line following this one. Just something that wasn't quite a hiccup, but the repetition was noticed. It would still read well without "its" and feels a little more stark to my ear/eye getting right to the imagery of it being blinding grim existence without reiterating the pronoun.
2nd Jul 2022 6:09am
3rd Jul 2022 11:30am
Dear I,
Alas, a poem so relatable, if only I could have expressed it half as well as you have done. H🌷
Alas, a poem so relatable, if only I could have expressed it half as well as you have done. H🌷
