deepundergroundpoetry.com
bog creatures
it's chilly
living on the outskirts
of connection
observing
soul-swallowing heartbreak
loneliness
love
minds muscles
flourishing growth
in everyone
else
but this
water tension
hasn't broken
just yet
and my jacket
is warm enough
if hands stay
in their pockets
---
today though
had a bit of sun in the lowlands
proper taps aff summer
got colour on my cheeks
when he ran his hands
under my hair
while we dawdled for hours
and his fingers trailed light
over my lower back exposed
to the castle ruins around us
it was a small holiday
from the humdrum of absence
from the droll contentedness
in missing pieces
pretty like the dappled path
under trees
where we kissed
not so secretly
---
can't tell
just yet
why i'm not ready to live
in that Monet
why i'd rather float
carefully
over quicksand
alone
for a while
why your pale eyes
scare the shit
out of me
living on the outskirts
of connection
observing
soul-swallowing heartbreak
loneliness
love
minds muscles
flourishing growth
in everyone
else
but this
water tension
hasn't broken
just yet
and my jacket
is warm enough
if hands stay
in their pockets
---
today though
had a bit of sun in the lowlands
proper taps aff summer
got colour on my cheeks
when he ran his hands
under my hair
while we dawdled for hours
and his fingers trailed light
over my lower back exposed
to the castle ruins around us
it was a small holiday
from the humdrum of absence
from the droll contentedness
in missing pieces
pretty like the dappled path
under trees
where we kissed
not so secretly
---
can't tell
just yet
why i'm not ready to live
in that Monet
why i'd rather float
carefully
over quicksand
alone
for a while
why your pale eyes
scare the shit
out of me
Published 25th Jun 2022
| Edited 20th Jul 2022
Author's Note
"taps aff" (tops off) is a common Scottish thing to say when it's above 10 degrees and the sun decides to show its face.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 9
reading list entries 6
comments 11
reads 596
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
26th Jun 2022 1:52am
27th Jun 2022 6:29am
high praises, PS, thanks for swinging through. it's awesome to know my writing connects with someone, even if I'm not the best responder recently.
'preciate it :)
'preciate it :)
27th Jun 2022 12:18pm
Don't ever doubt yourself, you know how to write and craft feeling for the reader ......
Thought you'd like to know
Thought you'd like to know
26th Jun 2022 7:12am
Subtle metaphors that make think I am seeing the lyrics for some of the better U2 songs.
Favorite part:
“can't tell
just yet
why i'm not ready to live
in that Monet
why i'd rather float
carefully
over quicksand
alone
for a while”
Favorite part:
“can't tell
just yet
why i'm not ready to live
in that Monet
why i'd rather float
carefully
over quicksand
alone
for a while”
27th Jun 2022 6:22am
Hey Jazz, good to see you here.
it's nice to know you caught those metaphors, and yeah, that's my favourite bit, too, but kinda sad it sounded like U2 ;)
you're great, thanks for stopping by and leaving some thoughts
it's nice to know you caught those metaphors, and yeah, that's my favourite bit, too, but kinda sad it sounded like U2 ;)
you're great, thanks for stopping by and leaving some thoughts
27th Jun 2022 7:28am
sorry you don't like U2. I enjoy their music up to Pop. The Unforgettable Fire is one of my top 20 albums of all time.
27th Jun 2022 3:14am
Excellent. Park bench, brisk day. People traffic rambling by. And y'all make it a day that matters.
You described it perfectly. Envious to all others that weren't right there.
Excellent portrayal of a moment.
You described it perfectly. Envious to all others that weren't right there.
Excellent portrayal of a moment.
27th Jun 2022 6:15am
Ah, Styxian.. I was wondering why this poem didn't sit right, and your comment made me look at it a little differently so I could see what I couldn't before..
the moment was a pretty one, so glad you enjoyed it, but I had hoped it would be sandwiched by something a little more grey. I'm going to have another look, but thank you again, glad you liked what you saw 😊
the moment was a pretty one, so glad you enjoyed it, but I had hoped it would be sandwiched by something a little more grey. I'm going to have another look, but thank you again, glad you liked what you saw 😊
28th Jun 2022 3:27am
Reading it back, I see what you mean. The melancholy? But to me, the physical closeness in the middle centers it, and staves off the total melancholy that it could've been. Like a flower growing in concrete sort of saving the day. I know that's corny, but it's all I have on hand to describe it.
2nd Jul 2022 10:40pm
Jest, you are a poetic goddess. Your shit makes my stomach ache.
The floating over quicksand, in some surreal world away from your current reality is BRILLLIANT.
The floating over quicksand, in some surreal world away from your current reality is BRILLLIANT.
You have a subtly gentle but direct address which is lovely and organic. I was watching America's Got Talent with my elderly mother, for whom I care give, last night. This young woman sang a song, it was lovely, but beforehand, she told everyone a bit about herself and that personal touch really brought the meaning of her music across and I thought of the way that made me feel, when I was reading this. Your opening 2 stanzas, the image of you standing with your hands in your pockets, creates a strong visual image, which conveys a medley of feelings. The following stanzas have a wonderful intimacy, which is often lost in the more brutal blow by blow of the erotic you often come across, for a contrasting example. You have ability with imbued imagery, something I think of as mosaic tiling, in writing.
I'm glad to have had a look at your writing. Thanks for being here with us.
Daniel
I'm glad to have had a look at your writing. Thanks for being here with us.
Daniel
