deepundergroundpoetry.com
Life Moves On
slam down a glass of liquid happy
another round
celebrating
what I don't know
why I can't say
but it beats
the tune of
memories that play
sad country music
sung in voice smooth
sounds that tug
at
the time she sat shotgun
fuck that
pour me another
mask the stench
perfume on unwashed flesh
a masquerade
try to feel better days
or at least damp the fire
pour me another
imbibe the inebriation
like masturbation
sure feels good
but you're only fucking your
mind with
another
drown out all but the sound
of a man and the silky strum
tones of his voice
cut through the haze of smoke
haven't done in years
damn it feels good
twisted cough
a knife in my lungs
head spins roll out
I can imagine you through the
smoky wisps of.....
pour me another the bottom
of my glass is mocking me
daring me to have some more
to forget
why I was here
why was I here,
pour me another tender bar tender
stroke my mind with lotus leaf
delete
the
repeating
thoughts of
pour me another
wee's a celebrashin
Published 25th Jun 2022
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 3
reading list entries 2
comments 4
reads 138
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
25th Jun 2022 1:59am
I'm going to have a drink now after this
and I rarely drink anymore
this is bare and I feel you
it doesn't always need be does it?
or does it?
and I rarely drink anymore
this is bare and I feel you
it doesn't always need be does it?
or does it?
25th Jun 2022 2:03am
I think it depends on the day
on the people
on the reasons
The whys and how’s
and how much you want to forget
Even though you know the next day it’ll be worse.
Thanks for stopping by to raise a round
on the people
on the reasons
The whys and how’s
and how much you want to forget
Even though you know the next day it’ll be worse.
Thanks for stopping by to raise a round
25th Jun 2022 2:25am
It's not tagged that way, but this reads/feels like a stream of consciousness piece, so while I have some places I think could be tweaked, I'm not sure if they'd suit here.
First thing that struck me was the liquid/liquidity repetition, and liquidity just feels odd in its usage where it is. However, I also think that could be the point.
------
but you're only fucking your
mind with
another
-----
"with another" seems extraneous... and "but you're only fucking your mind" just hits harder
I particularly liked the broken thoughts, and the way it feels like there's some deterioration as the drinks take effect. Your story telling is on point. Part of me wants to take a more detailed pass through this, but I don't know that it would benefit the feeling and flow, even if it might make some bits a little easier for some readers.
Not sure what adjective I want to use for my feeling about this piece, but I appreciated the read, and hopefully you'll understand what I mean. :-)
First thing that struck me was the liquid/liquidity repetition, and liquidity just feels odd in its usage where it is. However, I also think that could be the point.
------
but you're only fucking your
mind with
another
-----
"with another" seems extraneous... and "but you're only fucking your mind" just hits harder
I particularly liked the broken thoughts, and the way it feels like there's some deterioration as the drinks take effect. Your story telling is on point. Part of me wants to take a more detailed pass through this, but I don't know that it would benefit the feeling and flow, even if it might make some bits a little easier for some readers.
Not sure what adjective I want to use for my feeling about this piece, but I appreciated the read, and hopefully you'll understand what I mean. :-)
25th Jun 2022 6:11am
Maybe it's just me., but between the staggerd gentle rhymes and the clever repetition of that certain line usage....this sort of felt like song lyrics to me....which really endeared.
Just sayin'....
it definitely works for that comp, though
Good luck!
🌹 - B
Just sayin'....
it definitely works for that comp, though
Good luck!
🌹 - B
