Alone

I am alone
A life of solitude
This is my fate.
Others look in.
But never join in.
They do cheer

So Strong!
So Brave!
So Inspirational!
So Beautiful
So Intelligent

It's painful.

You can be a million amazing things.
It means nothing.
It won't get you love
Or friends
Or hope
Or progress.

People will lie.
They will say they like you
Or even love you.
But they will fade away.
It's just a taste.
So you really know what you are missing.

It will make you wish you were dead.
You will cry in the shower.
Cry on the kitchen floor
Cry while you write stupid fucking poems.

Then one day you will just go numb.
Ready for the rejection.
Ready for the lies.
You will choose to pretend to believe the lies.
Just for a moment of contact, a bit of conversation.
You know it won't last.
You know they will go.

But it will still hurt.
No matter how numb you try to be.
No matter how much you detach.
Disassociate.
It still makes you feel expendable.

The easiest way is to avoid any sign of change or hope.
No disappointment, no heart ache.
Just solitude and bitterness.
Waiting for death, wishing it was over.
Wishing you had of just stuck to the script.
Instead of taking a chance.

So I will remember next time
If anyone holds my hand, ties my shoe or sings in the uber.
And they are attractive, Intelligent, funny, talented and interesting.
I will just kick them in the fucking face.
And scream that they aren't even a real person.
That they will fade away like a dream.

Or maybe I'm not even a real person,

maybe they are just a fucking liar,

maybe I'm just a boring disappointment.

I do know I'm tired of existence but I have to stay.
No early way out.
The solitude.
Regret.
Bitterness.
Will sustain me as its always done.