Just a plaything...

Thanks SMS. It's one of those that write's itself.

I have just been thinking about some things more recently. I really appreciate the kind words so much. This is a really tough thing to share about and something I have very much avoided posting about. But I definitely don't feel strong doing so, instead I feel a huge amount of anxiety about leaving it up because I don't want people to look at me differently. I want to have fun interactions that leave people smiling. It's not something I would usually share. Sadly, I think some may be able to relate to it so I went ahead and did it. Anyway... depending on how the struggle inside goes I may not leave it up.

Thanks for the love. I really appreciate it so much. X

Sad and heartfelt, brilliant home truths piece
Loved it
Great job gorgeous
Love and light
Ron x

I really appreciate your thoughts Ron, always.
There are so many emotions written into this for me; confusion, sadness, guilt, shame, fear, excitement, and others. Some things perhaps it's easy to see and others are probably only apparent to me. I always write from the heart and I am glad you found value in it. X

When we have experiences, there are always parts we feel ready for and parts we don't.

Driving for the first time, the first day of school, intimacy....a host of events that stick in our minds as sign posts.

There are parts worth keeping and parts worth letting go of.

Recreating those feelings or experiences can fuel all kinds of pathways.

When I was 4, I watched my sister die. She literally stopped breathing. I ran to get my dad, but there was nothing to do. She died in his arms. For decades I felt to blame. Why couldn't I have done something? I was 4.

That made me feel guilty about living. It made me try to live for 2. I did finally figure it out, but I was 32.

It caused me to live a very stressed life and I had 100's of panic attacks whenever I felt I'll prepared for anything.

It wasn't my fault. But, the silver lining was that I ended working on my communication skills.

I was just at her grave site 2 months ago. I missed her terribly, but we talk all the time in my work.

You take what you need. Duplicating the original energy is a pathway. What we're doing is validating the parts we need to keep.

I am so sorry to hear about your sister. I can imagine the impact that had on you. That is a tragedy that hurts my heart just hearing about it. For you it must have been like losing a part of your soul. It is difficult to imagine the confusion. pain, and guilt you felt at that age. I am glad to hear you were ultimately able to come to terms with it.  

We all have a past and it is what we do with it that matters most. It is the combination of these experiences that shapes us for better or worse. I don't dwell on things that have happened in the past although they manifest themselves in many ways and sometimes you have to work through certain emotions again. I have a lot of internal conflict and so many contradictions but I have found ways to focus that energy.

I really appreciate the depths of your insight, wisdom, and sharing part of your story as well RT. X

Thank you for sharing this story book of life with its trials and tribulations and taking of a woman's soul and vibes nicely composed dear poetess 🙏👊🦋

I really appreciate your thoughts Stoney, always.
I am glad you found value in this part of the story book of my life. Sometimes it can be difficult to share the soul and vibes despite not letting those things hold you back. X

FOSHO dear poetess for some how we find the strength and confidence and courage to express our most deepest feelings and emotions and silent whispers that has gone unspoken words lock within the subconscious of our lives and mind provoking the process of creating and maintaining our own thoughts and emotions.🙏👊💪🦋

Life goes on and you will find true love.  He he worship you and treat you like the princess you are.  Keep on writing.

Absolutely Francisco. It's just the past. I don't let it define me and it is not anything that is going on now. But I really appreciate the wonderful kind words. Thank you! X

Always my strong beautiful smart sexy woman with a nice booty.

Dear K,

I had to read through this piece a couple of times. Mostly because I’m slow witted and mostly because I was trying to take my interpretation of this poem and make sense of it. Your closing line was most seriously impactful because I kept thinking of every relationship where I simply handed over the reins of my life only to have it choked out of me and then tossed aside. I think this piece is relatable to many readers. The difficult subjects are never easy to post and always make us doubt. I am in awe of the truth in this write and really appreciate your courage to put it out there. H🌷

Hey Honoria, you are definitely not slow witted. I know those contradictions I mentioned can make my writing seem chaotic and difficult to understand at times. As is often the case this one has more meaning to me than anyone else. It was a very impressionable time for me, I was very young. I felt very isolated and bullied for being American when I first moved to the UK and I had this intense need to please my teachers and parents and to get positive feedback. So you could say the conditions were ideal for certain things that followed. Anyway, it's in the past but for whatever reason it causes me anxiety to post about it so I definitely do not feel courageous. I really appreciate you giving me your thoughts. :) X

Such things are so very difficult to
express to oneself, let alone to turn into art...

And be...  So vulnerable.

I admire this greatly...

I cannot tell you how many times
I have said to myself:

"I can't fucking believe I posted that..."  :p

I think that training oneself to go
forward and never take a step back...

Can be empowering...

Of course, there are exceptions
to every rule...

But I think it sort of...  Is a mechanism
which one can add to one's repertoire of stratagems...

Like...  I aspire to be elusive even as
I am right in front of someone...

That just feels right to me...

But I do desire to have entities in
my sphere...  That it is...  Different with.

But listen to the voice within,
dialogue with this voice...

Know that you are capable of self modifications
of all kinds...

There are limitless possibilities...

Possibilities of self healing, self advancement,
personal evolution...

Transcendence...

A merging into and out of at will,
all sorts of applications...

I think what is most important
is to sort of...  

Gain an appreciation for the
idea of The Process...

Every part of the process is perfect...

There is no need to be
self critical...

And if you are, at some moment...

It is fine...  It is as beautiful as anything else...

If you were embarrassed, self
conscious, fearful, anxiety ridden...  Depressed as hell....

It is all beautiful...

Like scales upon the skin of the serpentine being...

&

[Serpenting beings
Shed skin
That decomposes
Reincarnating
Into a pathway of magical roses.]

(Something I wrote...  Some time ago....  

And I believe that...)

...  You know...

I think sexual encounters can be
so complex and individually designed forms of complexity, at that...

I have been fortunate to have
had close female friends...

Who confided in me...  Different things...

I say fortunate, because I feel like
I learned so much...

I think that females have just...

Really had some profoundly traumatic experiences...

And there are so many remorseless,
predatory, reptilian individuals...

I want to chop them in half with a samurai sword, in all honesty...

This really impacts me deeply...

"I can't believe I posted that..." Yes, that about sums it up. :p

It's always important to go forward and I have.

I came to really understand what I lost later, that mutual self discovery you have when you are with someone your own age and first really exploring your body among other things. Still it was a different experience that helped shape who I am for better or worse. There are things about that dynamic that I am still very much attracted to now. Although it has not held me back, it has changed me forever.

Your message of growth and transcendence is not lost on me.

I am always self critical. My OCD certainly does not help in that regard.

"If you were embarrassed, self
conscious, fearful, anxiety ridden...  Depressed as hell....

It is all beautiful..." I like that.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. There is definitely so much more that can be said in regards to your comment, but I need to leave off here as work beckons. X

A lot of courage shown here
The hours spent worrying whether you should post it or not are answered by these phenomenal poets who support you daily ...
As the saying goes, if it were easy,everyone would do it.
But its not easy.  It's heart wrenching and difficult but your poem lives and your Author's Note gives it clarity.
You made a choice
I believe it was the right one.

BL

🖤

Thanks PS, that is very sweet and I really appreciate the support so much. It helps alleviate my anxiety which can be overwhelming at times. On one hand the author's note gives some clarity and on the other I think I should not have included that because I don't really want to cast light on this part of my darkness. And then I think, I should have detached myself from it switched it to third person and just allow for a much broader interpretation. I did make a choice, I tend to over analyze and over think things, questioning - did I damage the perception of me by going there. It can be easy to judge someone who has been through certain things but it's part of who I am, that experience which shapes us especially in the most impressionable times of our lives.

This makes me feel so much, and I have so much to say that I can't even articulate...  All I will say is, thank you for sharing this. You needn't worry about what people will think of you - if all they want is the good time girl (the doll) then they're just feeding the sadness, and none of us needs more of that in our lives. You're allowed to be a whole person. I know it's scary, but I'm grateful you posted this so we can see a little more of you. What I see is beautiful.
❤❤k

Hey BT, I am really touched by your heartfelt message. I suppose if I left you somewhat speechless then it's only fair you left me that way too. :) I can definitely see your point regarding just wanting 'the doll', and that definitely makes sense. There are many sides of me and some are hard to convince myself to share but they always manifest in one way or another. I am glad you are grateful I posted this because that really helps me reconcile the anxiety. You are truly wonderful in every way. thank you! X

It's hard to imagine you being manipulated by "strings", or controlled, based on how you write usually.  You carry a very strong persona in here.  
That being said, the vulnerability and wistfulness you describe within this reaffirms you are indeed human, and breakable.  It's a nice viewing of your underbelly, as they say.
Good words, KX.  

Hey Styxian. I really like what you said because I want to be seen as strong. Some things that happen in our life can make us that way and for me this was one of those things that shaped me in so many ways to make me stronger but it also left a lot of deep scars. I was very young, just a kid, and very vulnerable for many reasons including having moved to another country. Anyway, please keep thinking of me as very strong. I don't want this part of my history to portray me as weak at all. It made me stronger in many ways. We all have a history and we try to make the best of it.

This is so relatable... resonates deeply... well done Kristina...

Hey LDF, sorry to hear it is relatable. Some things can be difficult to post worrying about the perception, and the anxiety and internal conflict that resurface even if we moved past them. I think my reaction is the opposite of cathartic. But our experiences make us stronger and I hope posting something like this displays strength rather than weakness.

This is amazing! It just became the first poem on my reading list! I relate in many ways. Physical and emotional abuse will make anyone feel crazy! 1st its the love-bombing and placing you on a pedestal, then it's words; once they know they can get away with that, then comes the fists, followed by fake apologies. You are not crazy. It could happen to anyone. I'm a professional fighter, yet I get degraded and she punches me and throws things knowing that no matter what I would never 1. hurt her ever or 2. any woman for that matter. Any man that hits a woman deserves to sit on a fire-ant hill naked. Thank you for this beautifully written work of art. It helps me, as I broke it off late last night. I hope I can hold strong. This poem has helped lessen the crazy feelings.

Hey there 0ld_s0ul. I am so honored to be the first on your reading list. In so many ways the psychological abuse is worse especially at a very young age. You need protection, love, acknowledgement and help to understand the world and grow. When you are exploited for other things it redefines your view of your self worth, or lack thereof, entirely. And aspects of that stay with you forever regardless of what you do. But I have found strength in it and I have not let it hold me back. I am really touched by your words. If posting something like this can help someone then that is by far the best I could ever hope for. Thank you. X

So true. Thank you as well 🙏🏾

So true. Thank you as well 🙏🏾

Quite the sad, disturbing read here. It makes me quite sick and i mean that respectively to your skills.  I am "liking" this poem because of how well written it is. Otherwise I do not like the fact that a poem such as this even needs to be written.

Thanks Michael. We all have how are crosses to bear and some are heavier than others. It's hard for me to imagine myself without these scars. I am not sure what that would be like. I appreciate your thoughts so much, thanks for sharing with me. X

If I could relate to what your saying here
-have had broken dolls in the past, and assumed the role of defender & protector readily, bringing them to a place of security & provision, trying to put them back together without cutting myself in the process which was almost impossible to do,
never the manipulator, just maintenance,
sitting around trying to do the repair job, and sure, I was getting, hit, slapped, scratched, thrown at, shouted at, and only returned with comforting and calming the doll….
-CIU

I want to be strong but sometimes need someone to assume that protector and defender role. To take me to that place. Sometimes just a porcelain doll, and the cracks are very sharp. They cut but I suppose we bleed together. Still, we can never put someone else back together again so we share in each others darkness, some places are darker than others but there is a strange serenity in it sometimes. Like I deserved this and it's done now. And I think if you can make it through certain things, you make it through anything. But something else happens to teach you... a new lesson. Some things try to break us and you find out just how strong you really are. X

The last line is very effective. It has an irony to it that’s poetically sinister and emotionally powerful.

Hey Casted, 'poetically sinister and emotionally powerful' I really like that description and I am really glad you found it very effective. Thank you so much for stopping by to read me and give me your thoughts. X

You certainly packed alot in this verse. There are times in our lives when we let ourselves be abused or taken advantage of. It's a relatable topic, but also one with a wide range of emotions.

Yes, definitely a lot to this one. There are those times for sure, being a pleaser does not help in that regard. We do learn from the situations though, they become part of who we are. we are the sum of so many things, including our experiences. Sometimes you find that you want to re-create certain things, even things that were really 'bad'. It's a complicated range of emotions for sure.

This really makes my heart ache, it comes to life in all it's tender fragility, I see it black and white and full of haunt that rises in a sudden jolt and overwhelms and drowns. I have known trauma and violence, from where I am.

It takes real courage to say something like this and courage is the first step of healing and growing, to look at something honestly comes before we can change things. 💖🌹

Abuse can really damage your self esteem so badly. I felt worthless except for the physical. That was my only purpose for being alive. That does so much lasting damage. But anyway that's hard to talk about really. It definitely haunts you. Despite everything I always did well in school and I was always a pleaser but when your trust is destroyed and you are filled with anxiety constantly you just never feel a sense of accomplishment. I am sorry you have known trauma and violence. Some things happen more than people realize.

Yes, at first posting something like this just caused me intense anxiety but I think it has become more cathartic in some ways. I will always keep healing and growing. Use these experiences as a way to become stronger, to become more passionate. To know that you can survive anything. It has made me even more determined.

💖🙏🏻