deepundergroundpoetry.com
bellevue
i turn the volume up
letting patsy cline's silvery voice fill the confines of my truck's cab
and i know the words
so i'm singing along
i'm not supposed to think about you
that's what the article said
about managing an infatuation
that i should stop the thoughts once they occure
try to distract myself
so i tell myself that i am not thinking about you
as i traverse the verdant hues lining the road that is leading me to you
and i tell myself that i am not thinking about you
when i arrive at your cafe with the supplies you'll need for the day
and i tell myself that i am not thinking about you
when you call to me from the sidewalk
smiling like a summer holiday
greeting me by name
tearing me apart
how are you so beautiful?
letting patsy cline's silvery voice fill the confines of my truck's cab
and i know the words
so i'm singing along
i'm not supposed to think about you
that's what the article said
about managing an infatuation
that i should stop the thoughts once they occure
try to distract myself
so i tell myself that i am not thinking about you
as i traverse the verdant hues lining the road that is leading me to you
and i tell myself that i am not thinking about you
when i arrive at your cafe with the supplies you'll need for the day
and i tell myself that i am not thinking about you
when you call to me from the sidewalk
smiling like a summer holiday
greeting me by name
tearing me apart
how are you so beautiful?
Published 5th Jun 2022
Author's Note
Having feelings for someone you can't be with is a special kind of hell.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 8
reading list entries 4
comments 15
reads 668
Commenting Preference:
The author is looking for friendly feedback.
5th Jun 2022 6:18am
The repetitions in this create a loop back to the core theme of the poem, it’s hypnotising in a way as each repetition you know you’re going to fail not thinking about her…
As a critique I think your piece would be stronger with out your last line.
I know you said friendly feedback, but hell the question doesn’t need to be answered it answers itself!
As a critique I think your piece would be stronger with out your last line.
I know you said friendly feedback, but hell the question doesn’t need to be answered it answers itself!
That is a good point. I appreciate it.
You're right. It does read better without it.
You're right. It does read better without it.
5th Jun 2022 6:49am
Dear G,
I really admire how you’ve written the sizzling kinetic energy of being so attracted to someone as you try to make sense of it and control it. That part of the human emotion is so powerful and when that feeling isn’t returned it’s so devastating. I particularly appreciated the idea of mantra-ing the part of not thinking about the person. For me, that’s the obsession part, how much energy I put into not feeling something. Wonderful piece. H🌷
I really admire how you’ve written the sizzling kinetic energy of being so attracted to someone as you try to make sense of it and control it. That part of the human emotion is so powerful and when that feeling isn’t returned it’s so devastating. I particularly appreciated the idea of mantra-ing the part of not thinking about the person. For me, that’s the obsession part, how much energy I put into not feeling something. Wonderful piece. H🌷
5th Jun 2022 8:54am
5th Jun 2022 7:01am
So, you had me immediately at singing in your truck to Patsy Cline. Hell's yes, man, that is the stuff. I immediately thought of "Crazy" which is a great set-up for the poem, but there are some others that would do the job just as well.
I'll admit, there's a wistfulness about that last question (glad I caught it) that I enjoy, but ending the poem at "tearing me apart" really does jab it home.
Repetitions are tricky, because they can become distracting, but they're put to such poignant, purposeful use here. I really, really enjoyed reading this piece, and I felt the longing all the way through. Well done. :-)
I'll admit, there's a wistfulness about that last question (glad I caught it) that I enjoy, but ending the poem at "tearing me apart" really does jab it home.
Repetitions are tricky, because they can become distracting, but they're put to such poignant, purposeful use here. I really, really enjoyed reading this piece, and I felt the longing all the way through. Well done. :-)
5th Jun 2022 8:26am
Thank you.
'Crazy' is in fact, the song I was singing.
The deleted last line was: I can't stop thinking about you.
'Crazy' is in fact, the song I was singing.
The deleted last line was: I can't stop thinking about you.
5th Jun 2022 8:32am
Ah, I see... yeah, I can see where that was redundant, and why it was suggested to take it off. I did miss it after all!
As for the ending question, the wistfulness is nice. I also like the impact of the line before it. Honestly, either way, it works very well.
As for the ending question, the wistfulness is nice. I also like the impact of the line before it. Honestly, either way, it works very well.
10th Jun 2022 11:46pm
So much has already been said Bryan and I think the author's note says a lot but still it goes so much further... The ending had this feeling of relief and excitement that really spun things around for me. Those last five lines are just wonderful. And the last really drives it home. I love that sort of desire. Knowing that you are that beautiful to someone and the passion that follows.
12th Jun 2022 3:21am
Anonymous
- Edited 24th Jun 2022 2:03am
23rd Jun 2022 6:24pm
Hi Grae,how are U?
I love the insistence and dedication in your pen.
It consumes U!
The continuity of the word--"Smile/Smiling" in another poem of your's is effective.
A great piece of work.
Brilliant!
Take care.
X
I love the insistence and dedication in your pen.
It consumes U!
The continuity of the word--"Smile/Smiling" in another poem of your's is effective.
A great piece of work.
Brilliant!
Take care.
X
24th Jun 2022 1:04am
2nd Jul 2022 11:23am
Patsy Cline and some healthy obsession, two of my favorite pastimes...
I sell lumber during the day and write poems in between. I have great affection for those who bring products to customers.
BIG LIKE
I sell lumber during the day and write poems in between. I have great affection for those who bring products to customers.
BIG LIKE
3rd Jul 2022 6:25am
I'm a weekend woodworker. I like your occupation very much. How's the lumber cost where you are? Has it gone down?
Cheers to us for keeping the world turning.
Cheers to us for keeping the world turning.
3rd Jul 2022 10:43am
Lumber prices have settled in to just being expensive as opposed to being off the charts. Last summer we couldn't get AC Pine plywood in quantity and now it's pretty available though still double in price to pre-pandemic levels. MDF ultralight especially in oversized panels is still very scarce. The worst thing right now is fingerjoint pine and 5/4 pine. Very long lead times and very expensive. I've lost a lot of orders due to lack of inventory but I find ways to service my customer base with alternative grades. My customer base is mostly people who build for theater, television, display and events ..... it's kind of a specialty customer and that's where I focus my time having come out of that world another career ago ....
What do you build ?
What do you build ?
3rd Jul 2022 6:33pm
Seems like pricing for everything is just gonna stay where it is huh? Certain paints where hard to get for a while too. Building for theater seems like it would be enjoyable. I've read nick offermans books. He talks a little about that. I Build mostly simple furniture like small tables and bookcase. I know a lot but I have quite a lot to learn. My joinery doesn't extend beyond butt, pocket hole and dowel. I love building stuff.
