Baby Jack

There are seconds where the absence of you
Cuts through my heart as a thousand knives would
My body betrayed us both by taking you from me
My mind ages you as I go on without you
You would be three years old this year
Learning to walk and knowing words
I'd have been an Aries mom raising a Pisces son
My mind gets lost on what kind of Pisces you'd have been
In my mind I can see the blue of your eyes
Your Dad's eyes were a startling shade
And so many in my family have the clearest blues
My heart aches to hold your little body in my arms
And kiss your tiny little fingers just to hear your laugh
Your father and I once talked about baby names
And we both settled on Jack so easily
You would have been my Jack, my little boy
I never told your Dad about you or the loss of you
A part of me knew he wouldn't believe me
And when I lost you I knew he wouldn't have
We'd been over for a month when I noticed you
And when I lost you that brutal night
That nightmare of hours sobbing and the blood
There was so much blood, a tragic mix of yours and mine
I wished I had died right along with you
They never tell you about the pain in this loss
The truth is I hadn't told anyone that I was pregnant
I'd hidden it so well that no one had even noticed
So when I lost you I kept my mouth shut
I buried it deep inside me where no one would see it
You'll never be a three year old learning to walk
You'll never learn how to talk or laugh  
I'll never hear your babbling voice or
Feel the joy of the first time you called me mama
I'll never buckle you into a car while you scream
Never be able to comfort you when the world is too much
I'll never read to you as you fall asleep or sing to you
There will never be moments of getting splashed  
While I'm trying to give your toddler self a bath
And all that amounts to thousands of grains of sand
In the hour glass of my broken heart
There is no grave to visit, nor ashes to hold
And no one will understand what this is like
Unless you went through it too
My baby would've been named Jack
And he would've been three this year