10 years

Sometimes I crave a different life
that held more chaos
and excitement

I miss that fall into darkness
that dreamy forgetfulness
that couldn't remember
my own face in the mirror

Every bruise hurt less
every smile felt more alive
every lie easier to believe

Sometimes I crave a different life
that held more chaos
and excitement

But I don't miss the way
sunlight felt like an abyss
on the bad days

I don't miss the disconnect
trying to remember how I came to wear
constellations of bruises
I couldn't recall getting

I don't miss the hangovers
and the tripped out train trips
or that time I OD'd
and was convinced I was going to die

Sometimes I crave a different life
but when I lived it
I craved peace

It's been 10 years since I wanted to die
It's been 10 years since I realised I wanted to live
and every day is worth the abstinence
in pursuit of a peace
that doesn't need a substance to be real