Little girl

Higher, higher, higher
Kick my feet and fly
My toes can almost touch the top of the tree
I can hear my sisters laughter
And the youth still in my father's voice
I can feel his hand on my back
Pushing my sister and I on the swings
I am happy and I am free

I can smell the mud of the creek
And feel the grass beneath my feet
I run by the river Bank, fast as I can
Curls flowing behind me like flames
Again, I can hear my sisters laughter
And my mother calling us home for supper
Things are simple still, dreams come easy

Latch key kid, microwave dinner
I can still smell the cigarette smoke
I can see the bus pull up and see my little sister and brother running down the lane
Happy to see me, but asking for mom
I don't have the answers
Things are more complicated now
Sing a lullaby and snuggle the baby to sleep
It's hard to sleep through toddler cries
And dreams don't find me so easy anymore

I can still feel myself falling asleep in class
Wondering if the lights will be on when we get home
I can still hear brother begging for a snack
But there's nothing left I can feed him
I look for change in my mother's room
Put my brother in the bike basket and ride to the store
Cashier looks 11 year Old me up and down
Buying bread and peanut butter with coins
Nobody says anything, brother asks for a candy
Count the change, do I have enough?
Just slip it in your pocket when the cashier doesn't look
We laugh when I take it out and show him on the front porch steps
Things are simple again, I guess I'm just used to it now
I don't see my dad much anymore
Dreams are still few and far between

I can still feel the heat of the belt on my back
And welts that rise like fire
But I don't remember what I did to deserve it
I can still see my brother hiding under the table
New step dad, new baby but moms still not home
I still smell the alcohol on his breath
Rock the baby, shhhh please don't cry
I can still feel the fear of his anger making my skin crawl
I sleep hard cause I'm tired but I still don't dream

The years have come and gone away now
And the tide of time has washed over the past
Most days, I am happy others I am dead
Sleep is fickle but dreams are sweet
And sometimes in the farthest corners of my mind
In the darkest hours of the night
When I am completely and utterly
Alone
I am still a little girl